airing a grievance

today the girls and i tried to make room for their new christmas and birthday gifts in the playroom. as i am sure many mommas do, i thought this would be a great opportunity to clear out some of the under-used toys that we seem to have an abundance of.

insert a confession: i loath stuffed animals. i am not sure why, but when i look at them all i can see is huge fur balls filled with dust mites. they creep me out. i know, i need therapy.

as i sorted and organized all of the baby doll accessories, i assigned ellie the task of going through a huge basket of stuffed animals and baby dolls. i thought about giving her a number of items that i wanted her to select to weed out, but decided against it. truth be told, i was hopeful that she would weed out lots of them.

we worked side by side and engaged in some good momma daughter chat. my back was slightly turned to her, so i couldn't see exactly what she was doing, but i kept seeing the contents of the basket decreasing. i was pleased with her commitment to the project. after a little bit she declared that she was finished. i turned to assess her piles and this is what i found:


items to keep...



hmm. it looked pretty large. in fact, it looked like the entire basket. looking at the empty bag that i had given her, i asked her where she had placed the items she was ready to donate. she pointed to a bin in the corner.

items to discard:

i would like to report that both of those items belong to me. the baby doll is baby beth. i received baby beth when i was a little girl (for Christmas at the age of 3). my grandma ruth sewed baby beth an entire wardrobe. ellie still has it. when i was older and less into playing dolls, i defaced beth with a magic marker. my own momma, knowing that i would be sad in later years, sent baby beth to a doll restorer and had her cleaned up. a few summers ago, when my mom made her yearly visit to chicago, she brought my doll trunk to share with ellie.

the second item in the bin is my koosah. you may recall that during the cabbage patch craze of the 80's, the koosah was also high in popular demand, made also my xavier roberts.

can you believe it? she wanted to dump her own momma's prize childhood possessions! what's next? my heart broke a little bit and i must confess, you might find one or both of them hidden under my bed for the next few weeks. somebody has got to protect them!

d's birth remembered

above is a picture taken from this evenings birthday celebration for d. she has somehow turned one, but i can't tell you how. it feels like her first year has gone by so fast. i know everyone says this, but i just don't know where the time has gone.

i have spent a good part of today thinking about the start of her little life and the little lady that she is. i thought it was fitting to share her birth story as told by my friend Kristie here today. the way she came into the world, quick with urgency and yet a coming with a sense of peace and ease, somehow is quite fitting for her. it actually depicts the one year old that stands before me today.

dear delaney,

it was a privilege and honor to be invited by your parents to participate in your birth. i am a doula, a woman who encourages and supports laboring women. your mom is also a special friend of mine and it was a gift for me to share the moments of your birth and welcome you into the world with your parents. i wanted to tell you the story of your birth.

that night as i climbed into bed i prayed that you would be born. i had a really good feeling that you would be coming soon - so good that i had all my bags packed and ready to go that night. as a wise laboring mother, your mom and dad took a good half hour walk before going to bed. but you were getting real excited about coming out into the world and your mom's body was responding to you. she was not able to go to sleep, so she took a shower and got into bed. the contractions suddenly would not stop. eventually, her water broke and she knew this time you were serious about coming. your mom called me at 12:45am as they were on the way to west suburban hospital in oak park, il. i arrived there at 1:25am and met them in the triage unit where they had your mom on a monitor to make sure you were doing well.

i knew you were anxious to get here as soon as i arrived and saw your mom. your dad told me your mom labored wonderfully on the thirty-minute car ride - which is no easy feat. she was having a lot of very hard contractions and being hooked up to all those monitors was very uncomfortable. despite that she labored on. i would verbally remind her to relax her body and let it do the work, and she would focus on relaxing her clinched muscles through the contractions. her lower back was really sore, and your dad would massage her back in just the right spot to help her feel better. your mom would moan melodiously through each contraction. when i first arrived both of your parents were very excited. you mom was talking and joking around with me between the contractions. within 15 minutes, the contractions became a lot stronger and longer. they were trying to move her through triage quickly to get her to her room. she asked me several times how much longer i thought it would be until you would be here. i told her that before the sun came up you would be here, but i really did not think it would be that long.

about the time we were ready to move to the room, the midwife - shirley moore - arrived. she was happy to see your mom there, and she decided to check how far along she was before they moved us to the birthing room. your mom was 8cm, which is very far along. everything began to move a lot more quickly, and they were hurrying to get everything set up for your arrival.

changing rooms boosted every one's mood and we all got ready to settle in. it was a great big room with a queen size bed, rocking chair, and a huge birthing tub. along the wall was a cute white, rocking bassinet reminding us of why we were there. you mom went to the bathroom, while your dad and i got out some of the things your mom might need. your dad realized he had forgotten something, but there was never any time for him to go back to the car and get it. we were ready to get down to business. your mom tried to walk around, but you were bearing down on her. we would do one or two contractions in every position - standing and rocking, kneeling alongside the bed, standing with the birth ball on the bed. all the while your dad would patiently massage her lower back, through each contraction, where she was having a lot of pain.

while she was kneeling beside the bed, shirley checked her again and found that she was fully dilated, and told her if she felt like pushing she could. shirley took all of her cues from your mom; she let your mom's body lead us through the process of birth. she was constantly encouraging and focusing your mom on what was coming. it was very hot in the room we were in and your mom was extra hot from all the hard work she was doing. we were trying to cool her down - she would eat ice chips between contractions. putting a cold washcloth on her forehead and neck soothed her. your mom took her time and didn't feel quite ready to push yet.

as she got more tired and shaky you mom felt like lying down. so we all climbed up on the bed. i kept her cool while your dad was telling her what a great job she was doing and was holding her hand, and shirley was encouraging her from her spot at the end of the bed. almost as soon as we got on the bed, your mom was ready to push a little. she would squeeze your dad's hand with both of her hands. i was holding one of her legs and putting some pressure on her back. shirley was encouraging her by telling her how much of your head we could see with each push. during each pushing contraction you mom would yell... after each one she would apologize to all of us for how loud she was being... really it was not that loud it just sounded like she was really doing a lot of hard work with her body. she pushed for about 20 minutes and then out you popped and they caught you and plopped you right onto your mom's belly. your dad cut the cord. they couldn't believe that you were here. we were all telling your mom what a rock star she was to labor so peacefully and to push you out so well. you were born at 2:43am on December 27th. non of us could believe we had only been at the hospital for an hour and a half. your parents took turns holding you, the nurses checked you out and then your mom nursed you for the first time. at first you didn't seem that interested, but then you quickly got the hang of it and latched right on.

you were a special birth for me as you were my last birth before i head into studying to become a midwife. it was a reminder of what a gift of lift God gives us in birth and how special a moment to be a woman and to do what God designed us to do. your birth was very special to your parents because they had wanted you for quite a while and they were thankful for your safe arrival.

one of the meaning of delaney is "descendant of the challenger"... that is what your mom has always been - a challenger - to be the best she can be and help others be their best and make any environment she is put in better. your birth was no exception. she fought every inch of the way to do things the way she thought were healthiest for you and for her. you are also blessed by a dad who actively took time to prepare for you to come. he was ready at every turn to give your mom the encouragement, love and support that she needed. the strength of their marriage is evident in their teamwork in welcoming you into the world, and what a blessing to be born into a family who loves each other and works for each other to become their best. may this be the beginning of a journey of discovering who God designed you to be.

in his hands,

kristie

transcending

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4qwVLqt9Q

my friend kristie sent me this youtube video this week. it made me weep.

friendship is such a valuable thing. as i have walked through the past few weeks, it has been one of the things that has gotten me through. when i've been low or discouraged, i turn the corner and am met with encouragement from a friend. cards, emails, phone calls, they have all given me the boost that i needed.

last thursday, i was fortunate to be in town for an event that i had been looking forward to. you see, about once a month, three of my sweet friends and myself get together for a girls only grown-up dinner. each time i leave these dinners, i feel refreshed, enlightened, encouraged and well, it makes the load that each of us carry seem more bearable. we've shared our secrets, our hopes and ambitions, our breast pump, hand-me-downs... the list goes on. these our my girls that "know" me, not much that i can hide from them because they see right through me and love me in spite of me.

these girls helped me celebrate the pregnancy of delaney with a surprise baby shower, they cared for my family during a miscarriage a few years back, one of them even served as a doula during the birth of delaney. and while i was in richmond a week ago, they designed and ordered my christmas cards. i am truly blessed. and as i reflect on their role (and the roles of so many other wonderful women in my life- you know who you are and i could not walk this path without each of you!), i am filled with thankfulness.

my mom's accident took place on thanksgiving- and while i had a lot of things to be thankful for on that day, i feel them in a whole different way on this day. and so here is my thanksgiving posting. this year, i am thankful for friendship- with these three wonderful girlies (jodi, janet, and kristie) and for so many others.

josh

yesterday i spent some time reflecting on my beautiful nephew joshua. six years ago (yesterday) he left the loving arms of his family to be embraced by an even bigger love. it's hard to imagine that anyone could love him more than my sister stacy did, but it's true. our Saviour's love is the biggest love that their is and His embrace is the only one true thing that we can count on. He will not let you go if you choose Him.

in my remembering, i pulled out the reading that my sister selected for me to read at josh's funeral. it was a passage that had been shared with her as she walked the journey knowing she would be giving up her son prematurely. it was filled with truth and brought her comfort as she faced her trials. i could write for days on the lessons that my sister and her family taught me during this difficult period, i could describe the faith that they possess, the posture of surrender that they willingly took, the peace that guarded their hearts... i'm not sure you'd believe me if i told you because it was unimaginable. watching this family walking deep in pain and being carried by the truth of the cross was a profound experience for me.

and as i face the trial of my mother and think of the trial that stands before her, i reflect back on what i learned through my piece of the trial of joshua. and so today, i will share the reading from joshy's funeral:

some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures and make them the subject of conversation. while reading the third chapter of malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

one lady's opinion of this verse was that it was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. she decided to visit a silversmith and report to her group what he said on the subject.

she went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her.

but sir, do you sit while the work of the refining is going on?

oh yes, madam, i must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for the refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.

the lady at once saw the beauty and the comfort too, of the expression.

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Christ sees a need to put His children into the furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.

our trials do not come at random, for it says in mathew 10:30 that "the very hairs of your head are all numbered".

as the lady from the bible study was leaving the silversmith's shop, the silversmith called her back. he said he had forgotten to mention that the only way he knows when the process of purifying is complete is when he sees his own image reflected in the silver. becoming conformed to the image of Christ is a process. each of us is a work in progress. perhaps you can see that you are more patient, more caring, more peaceful in the midst of adversity. when troubles come, you trust more than you once did and you cling to promises such as:

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. for those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son." (romans 8:28-29)

the "good" is becoming like Jesus. this takes a lifetime. and even then, the process will not be complete until we see Him face to face.

joshua is now in complete perfection, in heaven, face to face with the refiner.

pat the pilot

i left my mom's bedside on sunday afternoon. in my departure, in spite of her lack of clarity that day, my mom began to pray for me. it is in these moments when she connects with the Holy Spirit that i see true glimpses into the woman that she was before the accident. she prayed for my family and praised God for their willingness to be without me for a few days, for my travel and then she spent a few minutes praying for the pilot of my plane. i was running late and she was beginning to ramble and loose track of her thoughts and so my aunt amy and i wrapped up the prayer for her by saying "amen". i kissed her cheek and reluctantly left for the airport.

once at the airport, i made my way to my gate. i detoured to the ladies room to freshen up and gain composure. as i exited the restroom, a pilot made eye contact with me.

pilot: how are you today, ma'am?

me: i'm ok.

pilot: just ok? what's the matter?

and so i proceeded to give this complete stranger the short version of my reality.

pilot: my name's pat. where you headed?

me: chicago

pilot: oh, well it looks like we'll be traveling together. i'll be the one way up front. what's your mom's name?

me: (suddenly feeling choked up as i remembered my last few moments with my mom) sandra.

pilot: i'm gonna be praying for sandra then. and you, what's your name?

me: tasha... (and then the story tumbled out of my mouth. i told him about my mom praying for me and for him moments before i left her side.)

pilot: (face grinning ear to ear) well look at that! she prayed for me and now i'm going to pray for the two of you. is my collar straight?

i looked at his collar and discovered that he was wearing a cross with praying hands in the center.

God is good. he has shown up at every bend of this journey so far and i say with certainty, that he is walking this path with us. he is walking this path with her. and when she reaches out to him, he covers her and displays his great peace and most blessed assurance that she is in his hands. when we pray, when we ask God to meet the deepest desires of our hearts, He shows up. people are joining us on this journey, even strangers like the pilot of a plane from richmond to chicago. will you join us?

hart upper elementary project

in an effort to distract my mind this weekend and keep things as "normal" as possible for the girls, we went ahead and put up the christmas trees. we went to a lot hosted by the local ymca and picked out our frasier fur. it is beautiful, in my opinion. as we were selecting it, we noticed that attached to the tree was a zip lock baggie with a postcard inside. this is what the card said:

hi!

this christmas tree is from hart, michigan. we are studying michigan's natural resources in our 4th grade social studies. would you please return this postcard to us to let us know where you purchased the this tree? our classes will be charting the locations of where the trees are sold and our students are anxious to hear back from you and your family. feel free to include any other information that you would like. thank you very much!! merry christmas and happy new year.

well that tipped the scales for this former 4th grade teacher turned, full-time momma! we snatched it up and were thrilled to be able to report back to these young students. and by the way, hats off to this team of teachers that are making an effort to make learning memorable and fun at the same time. i can just imagine that being a student working on this project would be very exciting.

happy data collecting!

and just to keep things fun... can you guess which tree is the real tree and which one is our artificial tree?

(i know two trees is a bit excessive, i'll make up for it in other ways. we have just always loved the smell of the real deal wafting through our home. we decided that one tree is sizeable enough of an eco-footprint, so bought the fake guy last year.)

our daily bread

i will begin with a confession. for the past few months, i have been in a spiritual funk. my bible hasn't been open with much regularity. my mind hasn't been dwelling on Christ and my attitude has been pretty poor. i've been tired, frustrated, and sometimes angry. i've sort of been blaming it on the hormonal adjustment that comes when the body completes nursing a little one. but regardless of the reason, that's been my mental state as of late.

hearing about my mom, while in this state, with such distance in my heart from God, has been difficult. i've had a hard time running to His feet with my thoughts, my petitions and letting Him be my comforter and source of strength.

a side story:

from the first day i can recall until the last day i lived in my mother's home, we had family devotions. as a family, right before dinner, we would read the bible passage and daily reading found in our daily bread. afterwards, we would pray together. we would each pick a topic of prayer and then take turns praying out loud. this happened every day, regardless of the circumstances. it happened if we had friends over, it happened if someone was sick, and interruptions weren't really allowed. the phone could ring, someone could knock at the door... it didn't matter. my mother decided early on that it was a priority and that this time together was sacred. it happened everyday from my infancy until i left for college.

yesterday, as i was walking out of church, i glimpsed a stack of our daily bread out of the corner of my eye. i grabbed one, thinking that it would be a good activity for she and i to do together each day when i get to the hospital. i tucked it into my purse and went on my way.

now back to the first story i was telling:
last night i woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. i wanted to pray, but since thursday, my prayers have been hard. i need a miracle right now. God, fortunately, still performs them. and yet, i am aware that for the past few weeks, i have been pushing God away to the fringe. i talk to Him, sure, but it just hasn't been the same. i have been wrestling with the hypocrisy that i feel- pushing God away and then suddenly calling on Him because i really need Him. i never wanted my relationship with God to get to that point. i long to be faithful, to be worshipful in everything, to be close to Him no matter what the circumstances may be. He is too magnificent to be reduced to my "santa in the sky" that i call on only in crisis and only when i want something from Him.

but my heart really wanted to pray. and so in the dark of my room, i prayed. the word pray sounds reverent- what i did, was a little less than that. i cried out and let God know just where i was. that i am frustrated, confused, and lonely. that i've been wondering where He has been these past few weeks and that i don't like the compartment in which i have placed Him.

and you know what, as i prayed, as i cried out to my sweet Jesus, it became abundantly clear. He has been there all along. and do you know what else, i felt this sweep of compassion cover me. it was clear to me that God can handle all of the emotions that i am feeling. He's big enough to shoulder my frustration, He's loving enough to understand my pain, and He is full of forgiveness big enough to cover the distance i have placed in our relationship. He doesn't hold grudges and He reaches out in that instant, the one where we turn to face Him, and he embraces us.

this morning, like every morning since the accident, i called my sisters to get the morning report. today's news just didn't sound good. the doctors had decided that she wasn't strong enough to endure the surgery needed to place the pins in her broken hand. her confusion has increased a bit and she is more unsure about where she is or the reality of the moment. she is also experiencing a lot of discomfort. since she is already limited by her physical handicap that resulted from the aneurysm, there are fewer positions that she can be in. her legs are cramping up, her hips are sore, and she is overall uncomfortable.

after talking to my sisters, i put delaney in her chair for some breakfast. ellie was still asleep and it was just the two of us sitting in the silence while she ate. i couldn't stop thinking about the copy of our daily bread in my purse. i went and pulled it out and opened up my bible, asking God for Him to speak to me. i just needed something to hold onto. i started to read the excerpt for december 1st and then remembered i was supposed to read the scripture passage first. i flipped in my bible to the passage for today:

2 corinthians 4:7-18
"if you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. we carry this precious message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. that's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. as it is, there's not much chance of that. you know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. we've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. what they did to Jesus, they do to us- trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us- he lives! our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. while we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! we're not keeping this quiet, not on your life. just like the psalmist who wrote, "i believed it, so i said it," we say what we believe. and what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. every detail works to your advantage and to God's glory; more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise! so we're not giving up. how could we! even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

i read these words and began to weep. my father, Jesus, knew exactly what i needed. He didn't keep it from me, but pored it out there for me, the minute that i was willing to receive it. and He didn't do in just any old way. He used the same little old devotional that i grew up with. the one i haven't read in years, but always makes me think of my sweet momma and her dedication to raising her girls in The Truth. and as i am here in chicago, away from my mother, for another day, i will cling to these words. as i board the plane tomorrow night to go and be with her, i will cling to these words. as i sit by her side, when it's time for me to leave, with each decision, with each step forward, with each slide back, i will cling to these words.

*above is that picture of my mom and i when i was born, right before she went in to surgery. my aunt sharon posted it on her blog for me.