sticks and stones

i received a nasty email this week from someone whom i used to be terribly close with, but have been out of touch with for the past few years. when i say it was nasty, trust me, it was the kind

of email that only someone who knows you really well can send- it went right to the area of my heart that is vulnerable and then the knife was twisted a bit just to make sure i felt the sting.

you see, the email affirmed that i am not who i set out to be back in the day- that i had lost my strength and my independence (things i formerly found great pride in) and that really, i was nothing more than just a boastful blogging mommy with nothing left to talk about than my kiddos. essentially- that there was no longer any substance to who i am.

"wow! thanks for the email," i thought, "i already figured all of that out on my own, but i appreciate you putting the nail in the coffin."

but then as i started to think about it more, i began to see the nasty-gram as a gift. you see, exactly one year ago God began hammering a message into my heart. it is a message that i have been slow to receive, one that at times i have even fought against. i did not want this message because i kind of liked clinging to some "better" traits like "strong and independent".

the message was that i need to die to myself. yikes. something God wants from us, but so hard to actually live out.

many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. proverbs 19:21

i shared some of this with my sister last june right before we attended the women of faith conference and she literally burst out laughing at the irony. she went on to tell me that my niece had just come home from a youth group night with a pin that said "me" on it and had a red slashed circle around it. my sister brought it to the conference and gave it to me that weekend.

as i toted miss d around in the baby sling that weekend, i felt the effects of the message loud and clear. you see, i had really wanted to go to the conference sans baby. the trouble was, miss d made a choice that mommas milk was all she was taking and she protested every bottle on the market. and so she came along. and in that weekend, i saw the gift of her being there. she was a constant reminder of letting go of the things that i want, loosening my grip on my view of the future and letting God be in that drivers seat.

and in the months to follow, God gave me more opportunities to cling to Him and die to me. i saw them creep up into my life- some of these opportunities i embraced, others i fought, but the message of "no me" was consistent.

i've had thoughts about blogging about it over the past year, but whenever i prayed about what God desired the entry to look like, it never felt like it was the right time.

back to the story at hand-

throughout the day, i kept going back to that email and re-reading it. and with each sting that it dealt me, i kept turning to God (finally- God sure is patient with little old me). i don't know why God wanted this path for me. there are many days when i like to tell God that maybe He made a mistake. maybe, there is a chance that He would like me to return to the work field (ah-hmmm, like right now, today God). but then, almost as soon as i think it, God affirms that i am right where He wants me today. He is teaching me, and He is using this time to write His word on my babies hearts. just a few weeks ago, my sweet ellie asked Jesus to be her Lord and Saviour. that is all the confirmation that this momma needs. i'll take the sacrifice of living out my hopes and dreams, and letting God change those dreams into His dreams, for the benefit of my girls and His purpose.

and in spite of the hurt that my flesh feels as i read that email, i tried to spend the day resting in the fact that Jesus would rescue me from that sting. and that believing the message sent would only give room for satan to be the victor. i prayed a lot on thursday- little prayers throughout the day- as my mind began to draft un-Godly responses to the email, as doubt about my life choices crept in, as my value and worth began to feel so tiny. and God met me right there in that moment, just like He always does when we run to His feet.

i call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and i am saved from my enemies. 2 samuel 22:4

the craziest part of the day was how God directed my mind. as i contemplated the question, "what prompted that email so out of the blue?", God began to bring back memories to me. it dawned on me, somewhere shortly after lunch, that this was a difficult time of year for my former dear friend. and my eyes began to see that i am not part of that equation but that pain can be all consuming. i began to recognize that i was just the scapegoat for the real target of the pain and somehow, through God's grace, i began to forgive.

then peter came to jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall i forgive my brother when he sins against me? up to seven times?"

jesus answered, "i tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." mathew 18:21-22

(for the record, i should include that i am not calling the sender of the email a sinner here, by using this verse, but pointing out what i know God wants me to do with the hurts that are dealt to me.)

isn't God so funny, so perfect in His timing? you see, on wednesday, the day before i received this email, i had my last day of bible study. the study we finished was on a book which is entirely focused on rewriting the messages that are written on our hearts and living out a life that is focused on God's message for our lives. the messages of the world, well, they are filled with negatives. but the messages that the Holy Spirit wants us to walk in are filled with redemption, forgiveness, and righteousness. all of which, are messages that we are not worthy of, but were paid for through the blood of Christ. God desires for each of us to stand firm in who we are in Him- not in a self-righteous way, but as a daughter (or son) that has been forgiven, accepted, valued, loved, and redeemed.

but you are a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. 1peter 2:9

here are the words from the last chapter from my bible study from wednesday:

...you are the sparkle of Abba's eye. he loves you. he is very, very pleased with you. when you come into His presence, His eyes light up because you are His precious child... He's proud of you!... can you see the sparkle in His eye? (becky harling, rewriting your emotional script)

can you believe it? i mean, walking out of bible study on wednesday with this message firm on my heart and then opening my inbox on thursday to that message? God protected me, He protected my heart, and once again He showed me how loved i am.

and the icing on the cake came at the end of the day when my friend sent me an apology. just as i had suspected (b/c of Christ's guiding of my mind not anything of my own accord), she had lashed out in my direction because of pain from her own past. and while i am pretty certain that i won't "forget" that the email took place, i also won't own the message that it sent me.

stone soup

my little elisabeth graduated from preschool this week. it kind of came up from nowhere for me. i knew the year was ending, but i hadn't given much thought to this being the end of an era for her.

they put on the show "stone soup" which was quite adorable and then received their diplomas. it was a proud moment for scott and i. ellie has loved pre-school for the past two years and has learned so much. it is hard to believe that the "A" homework paper was so many months ago- it feels like it was just yesterday. she is so smart and so eager to learn- it is wonderful for this former teacher to see in her progeny and makes me beam with pride.

my lil' babes

these lil' girlies have such a sweet bond. they love each other so much. ellie is always thrilled to be "big sister" and to mentor her "little bother" (her words, not mine). and delaney adores her big sister. she wants to be a part of everything that ellie does. she covets each and every invite that she gets into her big sister's world.

it's hard to believe that a third one is joining the mix in just a few short weeks. i have been looking at my girlies lately, filled with nostalgia and adoration. i'm not sure i'm ready to share them with another family member and yet also so thrilled at the very same time to meet this little one growing in my belly. it is interesting this time around- not knowing if it is a boy or girl-and while it hasn't been hard to not know, i must say i am very excited to find out.

ready to be a big sister...

i'm thinking, just a hunch here, that we may need to begin a pre-baby training camp for miss d.

is mt. everest in our future?

oh joy! my girls newest favorite game is to climb up on the table and swipe stuff. while it is very frustrating, it is also pretty darned cute, too. this one sure does keep me on my toes.

art projects

in case you believed that last post where i was named "mother of the year", i bring you today's episode of e & d.

i have a friend who does all sorts of stuff with her kids on a regular basis that makes the rest of us look bad. she makes dyed noodle necklaces, she sewed life-size dolls with her kids and let them dress the dolls like themselves, she hosts sock puppet shows, they paint, they bedazzle... you name it my friend sarah does it with her kids on a regular basis and loves every minute of it. she doesn't boast about these crafty projects, but when you go to her home, you see the evidence. and it tugs at your guilty strings just a little bit.

i'm a different sort of momma. i want my kiddos to have all of these same experiences, just not always in my home or on my watch (just keeping it real folks). whenever i come up with some little crafty idea, almost as soon as my creative juices get going my "mess instinct" kicks in and takes over and cancels the plan.

but today, creativity won.

it was a small effort, but something that i thought would be fun for the girls to do: we made play dough. (i know, big gasp as i revel my bold steps towards embracing art with my girls. baby steps, people, baby steps.) you'd think this wouldn't be such a big deal for a former teacher, especially one that did all sorts of messy projects in my classroom.

e pulled a chair up to the counter and d sat on the counter. and in the process of putting a few simple ingredients into a bowl and stirring, all kinds of havoc broke out. i kid you not, d cried the ENTIRE time. d being d wanted to do it all. sharing was not in her plan and you could just forget about "mommy do it".

and then we sat down at the table. in spite of the fact that we play with store bought play dough regularly, they loved every minute of it. they molded and shaped, rolled and designed for a good 45 minutes. it was adorable.

and then when we were finished, i began to hyperventilate a little. the mess was huge! it literally took a good 30 minutes to clean up after the fun... (which is why i resist these activities in the first place). and i walked away torn. do i give in to my "inner sarah" for the experience or should i just sign them up for art classes at the local park district? the verdict is still out.

"mother of the year"- probably not.

mother of the year

http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/?nid=0TYF7nO7xPoQoNLLFAYe4jEzMTYyMDgx&referred_by=16310347-QXTbNFx

well folks, sorry if you thought it was you! best of luck next year.