sticks and stones

i received a nasty email this week from someone whom i used to be terribly close with, but have been out of touch with for the past few years. when i say it was nasty, trust me, it was the kind

of email that only someone who knows you really well can send- it went right to the area of my heart that is vulnerable and then the knife was twisted a bit just to make sure i felt the sting.

you see, the email affirmed that i am not who i set out to be back in the day- that i had lost my strength and my independence (things i formerly found great pride in) and that really, i was nothing more than just a boastful blogging mommy with nothing left to talk about than my kiddos. essentially- that there was no longer any substance to who i am.

"wow! thanks for the email," i thought, "i already figured all of that out on my own, but i appreciate you putting the nail in the coffin."

but then as i started to think about it more, i began to see the nasty-gram as a gift. you see, exactly one year ago God began hammering a message into my heart. it is a message that i have been slow to receive, one that at times i have even fought against. i did not want this message because i kind of liked clinging to some "better" traits like "strong and independent".

the message was that i need to die to myself. yikes. something God wants from us, but so hard to actually live out.

many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. proverbs 19:21

i shared some of this with my sister last june right before we attended the women of faith conference and she literally burst out laughing at the irony. she went on to tell me that my niece had just come home from a youth group night with a pin that said "me" on it and had a red slashed circle around it. my sister brought it to the conference and gave it to me that weekend.

as i toted miss d around in the baby sling that weekend, i felt the effects of the message loud and clear. you see, i had really wanted to go to the conference sans baby. the trouble was, miss d made a choice that mommas milk was all she was taking and she protested every bottle on the market. and so she came along. and in that weekend, i saw the gift of her being there. she was a constant reminder of letting go of the things that i want, loosening my grip on my view of the future and letting God be in that drivers seat.

and in the months to follow, God gave me more opportunities to cling to Him and die to me. i saw them creep up into my life- some of these opportunities i embraced, others i fought, but the message of "no me" was consistent.

i've had thoughts about blogging about it over the past year, but whenever i prayed about what God desired the entry to look like, it never felt like it was the right time.

back to the story at hand-

throughout the day, i kept going back to that email and re-reading it. and with each sting that it dealt me, i kept turning to God (finally- God sure is patient with little old me). i don't know why God wanted this path for me. there are many days when i like to tell God that maybe He made a mistake. maybe, there is a chance that He would like me to return to the work field (ah-hmmm, like right now, today God). but then, almost as soon as i think it, God affirms that i am right where He wants me today. He is teaching me, and He is using this time to write His word on my babies hearts. just a few weeks ago, my sweet ellie asked Jesus to be her Lord and Saviour. that is all the confirmation that this momma needs. i'll take the sacrifice of living out my hopes and dreams, and letting God change those dreams into His dreams, for the benefit of my girls and His purpose.

and in spite of the hurt that my flesh feels as i read that email, i tried to spend the day resting in the fact that Jesus would rescue me from that sting. and that believing the message sent would only give room for satan to be the victor. i prayed a lot on thursday- little prayers throughout the day- as my mind began to draft un-Godly responses to the email, as doubt about my life choices crept in, as my value and worth began to feel so tiny. and God met me right there in that moment, just like He always does when we run to His feet.

i call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and i am saved from my enemies. 2 samuel 22:4

the craziest part of the day was how God directed my mind. as i contemplated the question, "what prompted that email so out of the blue?", God began to bring back memories to me. it dawned on me, somewhere shortly after lunch, that this was a difficult time of year for my former dear friend. and my eyes began to see that i am not part of that equation but that pain can be all consuming. i began to recognize that i was just the scapegoat for the real target of the pain and somehow, through God's grace, i began to forgive.

then peter came to jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall i forgive my brother when he sins against me? up to seven times?"

jesus answered, "i tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." mathew 18:21-22

(for the record, i should include that i am not calling the sender of the email a sinner here, by using this verse, but pointing out what i know God wants me to do with the hurts that are dealt to me.)

isn't God so funny, so perfect in His timing? you see, on wednesday, the day before i received this email, i had my last day of bible study. the study we finished was on a book which is entirely focused on rewriting the messages that are written on our hearts and living out a life that is focused on God's message for our lives. the messages of the world, well, they are filled with negatives. but the messages that the Holy Spirit wants us to walk in are filled with redemption, forgiveness, and righteousness. all of which, are messages that we are not worthy of, but were paid for through the blood of Christ. God desires for each of us to stand firm in who we are in Him- not in a self-righteous way, but as a daughter (or son) that has been forgiven, accepted, valued, loved, and redeemed.

but you are a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. 1peter 2:9

here are the words from the last chapter from my bible study from wednesday:

...you are the sparkle of Abba's eye. he loves you. he is very, very pleased with you. when you come into His presence, His eyes light up because you are His precious child... He's proud of you!... can you see the sparkle in His eye? (becky harling, rewriting your emotional script)

can you believe it? i mean, walking out of bible study on wednesday with this message firm on my heart and then opening my inbox on thursday to that message? God protected me, He protected my heart, and once again He showed me how loved i am.

and the icing on the cake came at the end of the day when my friend sent me an apology. just as i had suspected (b/c of Christ's guiding of my mind not anything of my own accord), she had lashed out in my direction because of pain from her own past. and while i am pretty certain that i won't "forget" that the email took place, i also won't own the message that it sent me.