missing kate

Dear Ellie,

I really like frogs! And toads and all different kinds of frogs. How is your new school in California? Have you made new friends? What are you going to be for Halloween? I think I know what you are going to be. I am not going to be a dinosaur. Not at all! I miss you! Goodbye!

Love, Kate.

ellie received her first email today. it was very sweet. attached to the email was the picture you see above.

i'm was having a grumpy day, but sweet kate put a smile on my face. it also put a smile on e's face. thank you, kate.

sweet home chicago

well friends, we have arrived! the "move" (phase one) is officially over and now on to the business of getting settled. but first, i'll share some details. (it might take a few posts because, ahem, i tend to be a little long winded... not that you mind?!)

our doorbell rang at 7am the day after labor day by a packing crew. scott stayed at the house and managed the crew while i departed and managed the more motley crew. the girls and i headed out to my friend kristie's house to hang for the morning. it was bittersweet. kristie and her fam just moved from the city to a home five blocks from our home. hanging out leisurely with her on our last day in town felt so relaxing and peaceful. i had been looking forward to days of that nature as their condo was on the market for the past year and a half, but alas, it didn't sell until a week before we sold our house. thus, making days like that limited... and by limited i mean it only happened that once. but enjoy it i did. i didn't know it at the time, but it would be the last time i hung with this dear friend before departing. it was probably better that way as i didn't really have to say "goodbye".

as i left her house to head to the city, i drove past my house one last time (again, not really knowing if it would be the last time) and got to witness my car being hauled onto the car carrier. for whatever reason, this is the moment where the hugeness of our move really hit me. seeing my car on top of the rig moved me right to tears- you see not having to pack (huge blessing) allowed me to avoid seeing my stuff packed and ready to go. without the visual, it was very easy to avoid the reality that we were in fact moving across the country. up until that moment, i was just organizing stuff... hotel accommodations, flights, packers, movers and the like. but seeing my car ready to be sent off made it all very real. i digress...

as i tried to hide my tears so that my girls wouldn't see their momma fall apart and follow suit, e's sweet friend zoey walked by on her way to kindergarten. e spotted her immediately and sensed something in the air. she began to cry her little eyes out. and although she had already said goodbye to this amazing girl, e had to do it again. she hopped out of the car and hugged her friend, breaking my little heart all over again as i watched e's heart fill with sadness. but my girl made me proud. she pulled up her bootstraps and got on with it, trying to embrace the unknown that lied ahead. she's a strong one, my little e is.

and on to the city we went, checking into our hotel that would be home for the next few days. we spent the next few days in city living bliss (or at least that is what i am telling myself now... a two room hotel suite with a family of five leaves something to be desired). our days were filled with park play dates and time with our favorite city friends. i must insert that i have the most wonderful bunch of friends- they met me all over the place in an effort to get in some good hanging out time and went above the call of duty in filling our hours to avoid unwanted time in the hotel room.

while i tried to make hotel living the "norm" for our girls, scott drove back to the house to oversee the packers and movers and was met with some challenges of his own. our moving company somehow made some enormous miscalculations in the size of our load. about half way through pack up, they realized this mistake and tried to assemble some sort of solution. their first attempt included a polite call to moi suggesting that i tried to hide a sofa under the rug when they made their bid. after informing them that i don't in fact have a secret attic, they got down to the business of really solving the problem. let's just say that about 35% of our belongings are still unaccounted for and that the solution involved extra trucks, storage units, and a new load that is currently somewhere in texas... or so they tell me. and at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter because it is just "stuff".

and then onward we went... next installment: the airport. stay tuned, as the adventure is certainly not dull.

i get by with a little help from my friends

so my sweet friend veronica (front left in purple) is amazing. she threw a surprise dinner party for lil 'ol me last week. it was beautiful in so many ways. first, she knows that i don't really love to be surprised- so they told me a few days early. i still got the joy of a surprise but was also able to emotionally prepare for such a special night with my most cherished (minus a few who moved away before me) girls. second, the entire menu was carefully created around my most favorite things- cheese, champagne, lemon meringue pie, cupcakes from my favorite restaurant, a cake from my favorite bakery and lemon chicken with capers.

it was such a lovely break from my to-do list. the time i spent with each of them that evening, the memories that were shared and the special things that each of them said to me will play over and over in my head for quite some time.

each of these girls also serve as a beautiful reminder of how God works- how he has it all figured out and blesses us with the exact community that we need when we need it. you see, i am certain that i will experience loneliness in san francisco. it is inevitable. it happened when i moved to chicago, too. and that was difficult, but those days of loneliness drew me to God. and as i drew closer to God, i began to pray for friendships. i did not just pray for people to fill my time, but i prayed for moms that would help me be a better mother. i prayed for women that would show me how to be a better wife. i prayed for girls with common interests that i could "do life with" without competition, without judgement- women that would be able to "mother" my children with a like-minded parenting style.

and as i prayed God answered. He did it slowly, in His time (as is His style- because He, ahem, He is master of the universe and all). but each woman entered my life exactly when i needed them and each of them proved to meet a need that my life had.

and so as i move to califronia, i am certain that i will miss each of them. but i am also certain that God will bless my life again. i know it will be a process and that it won't happen over night. i also know that new friends won't be able to replace the ones that i leave behind, but they will be what i need when i need it.

the sticker club

this was my mom on the day that she was discharged from the hospital at the end of january. and although she had come a long way, she still had a long way to go. my sister stacy has worked hard at getting my mom from "on the road to recovery" to "recovered". and today, i think i can officially say that my mom is recovered. hallelujah! how do i know? well, let me tell you...

the story begins when i left home for college. as a freshman getting mail was a pretty big deal (man that makes me old)... now they get texts, emails, tweets or connect on skype... but i'm getting off track before i even get started. anyways, at the beginning of every month, my mom would send me a letter. the front of the letter was typed, copied and then sent to a bunch of people that my mom corresponded with each month. on the back was a handwritten note to me from my mom. usually, the envelope also contained other stuff as well. she would send me things that she thought would interest me from our local newspaper, funny comic jokes from the saturday evening post, maybe a story from guidepost magazine or a variety of other things she thought might be of interest. she also decorated each letter with silly stickers and called the list of recipients "the sticker club". i looked forward to getting my monthly instalment of the sticker club each month as it made me feel really connected to home.

the week that my mom was in the accident, my mom's december letter arrived. the theme of her letter was "walking". ironic, right? there she was laying in a hospital bed far from home unable to walk, sending out a greeting that detailed all of her journeys from 2008. and interwoven through the details of her "walking" was how gracious God had been through the year and how He had walked with her on her journeys, making them a possibility. needless to say, getting and reading this letter was a difficult experience. the road ahead was marked with uncertainty and while reading of the joys from 2008 was encouraging, i also had a lot of unanswered questions concerning her future. i wondered several times in those first few weeks if it was the last letter i would receive from my mom. i tucked it away in my keepsake box and then found myself going back to the box to read it and extract encouragement from her words through the months that followed.

i have missed these letters.

yesterday, i went to mailbox to retrieve the mail. to my excitement and joy, the first installment (post-accident) of the sticker club had arrived. tears ran down my cheeks as i tore open the envelope. eureka! what a joy to know that my mom is back into a routine. what a blessing to receive evidence that she is seeing God's hand in her new life with my sister. how wonderful to read the details (even though i already knew most of them) of her new day to day adventures.

90 and still going strong

my grandmother (gigi as she is now called by her great-grandchildren) has probably been the most influential woman in my life. she is nothing short of amazing. as she approaches her 90th year of living, i am in awe at her grace, wit, style and attitude towards life. she always looks for the positive in the world and is full of encouragement. she understands the art of friendship and is the first to support anyone around her in need. she is in tune with the world we live in and keeps up to date on politics, the latest trends, current "must reads" and of course, the lives and happenings of her family members.

in june, i had the honor of traveling with ellie to niagara falls to celebrate this amazing woman that i call grandma. it was a weekend filled with fun: aunts/uncles, 10 grandchildren, most of their spouses (that somehow fit seamlessly into our crazy family), 13 out of the 15 great-grandchildren, and the queen gigi. and it was nothing short of wonderful!

glowing

my amazing friend janet had a little shindig to celebrate america's big birthday. it was a night filled with great food, meeting really cool new people, enjoyable conversation, opportuties to hang with old friends, lots of kiddos and a little bit of rain. but janet didn't let that rain slow down the party. she had a backup plan...

and it was a BIG hit.

mother of the year

http://news.cnnbcvideo.com/?nid=0TYF7nO7xPoQoNLLFAYe4jEzMTYyMDgx&referred_by=16310347-QXTbNFx

well folks, sorry if you thought it was you! best of luck next year.

the package

i should begin by saying that if i ever tell you, "i'll mail it to you", i am probably going to end up disappointing you. i have a terrible track record with the post office. i can't quite put my finger on it, but it never goes well for me.


but on the flip side, in spite of the fact that it is terribly hypocritical, i LOVE receiving packages. last week, the girls and i discovered this giant unexpected box on the front porch.



both of my girl were in desperate need of spring coats. they have both outgrown their winter coats and neither had one to bridge the gap from winter to our never arriving chicago summer. the box contained 5... that's right, i said it... FIVE perfect coats.

these two are the favorites. they are reversible with fleece on one side and water resistant material on the other. perfect for rainy days! d is especially fond of hers because it is her first experience with a zipper. who knew that a zipper could bring such joy to a 15 month old??? every morning she spies her new digs on the coat rack and demands to have it put on her. a typical day as of late involves d running around with coat, diaper and shoes. and you can bet she's zipping up and down the whole time.

the box also contained some wonderful books by some of my favorite authors. buying books for me is always tricky because i have boxes and boxes of books in the basement from my various classrooms. somehow, this box contained titles that i don't have!!! they have quickly become our new favorites.

.
the next layer of goodies was of the stamping/card making/scrapbooking category. the girls and i have had so much fun stamping with letters and e is using them to learn to "write" words. she is making her momma proud! the girl is just moments from bursting onto the independent reading and writing scene

AND THEN, can you believe it, there was an entire pack of homemade personalized stationary! as a little girl, i used to make regular trips to the mall to spend my allowance on stickers at the local fluff-n-stuff. i have distinct memories of going with several different friends and being so jealous as they bought up all the stickers containing their names. they would plaster their moniker all over their bedrooms, school supplies lunch boxes etc. and me... while i was just jealous because not once did i find a sticker that said "tasha". because of this, getting these cards was extra special.

and some of them had the whole families names. they are beautiful.

the box was sent by my beautiful aunt sharon and while the popping peanuts are long gone, the smile still hasn't left my face. it was such an unexpected and special gift. and maybe, just maybe, it will propel me into a new phase with my own package sending. i started this week by sending my mom a card... baby steps, i know... but at least a small start towards paying it forward and rewriting my terribly track record.

my momma's journey

i don't have many words these days, but they say a picture is worth 1000. i think that might be true.

d.c. 24

ok, so by now, you all know about my super cool teacher friends. after i started pumping out babies, they went on to open another school. they are amazing!

last june, camia, who has always been on fire for obama, came up with a plan to take a bunch of their students to d.c. for the inauguration. lakita, my super talented principal friend, jumped in and took it to the school board. somehow, she got permission to take 24 of their little darlin's to d.c. between the two of them and a whole bunch of other talented teachers, parents and support staff they raised all kinds of money and put together this amazing trip.

this experience will change their lives. check it out:

www.sharemyinauguration.com

transcending

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4qwVLqt9Q

my friend kristie sent me this youtube video this week. it made me weep.

friendship is such a valuable thing. as i have walked through the past few weeks, it has been one of the things that has gotten me through. when i've been low or discouraged, i turn the corner and am met with encouragement from a friend. cards, emails, phone calls, they have all given me the boost that i needed.

last thursday, i was fortunate to be in town for an event that i had been looking forward to. you see, about once a month, three of my sweet friends and myself get together for a girls only grown-up dinner. each time i leave these dinners, i feel refreshed, enlightened, encouraged and well, it makes the load that each of us carry seem more bearable. we've shared our secrets, our hopes and ambitions, our breast pump, hand-me-downs... the list goes on. these our my girls that "know" me, not much that i can hide from them because they see right through me and love me in spite of me.

these girls helped me celebrate the pregnancy of delaney with a surprise baby shower, they cared for my family during a miscarriage a few years back, one of them even served as a doula during the birth of delaney. and while i was in richmond a week ago, they designed and ordered my christmas cards. i am truly blessed. and as i reflect on their role (and the roles of so many other wonderful women in my life- you know who you are and i could not walk this path without each of you!), i am filled with thankfulness.

my mom's accident took place on thanksgiving- and while i had a lot of things to be thankful for on that day, i feel them in a whole different way on this day. and so here is my thanksgiving posting. this year, i am thankful for friendship- with these three wonderful girlies (jodi, janet, and kristie) and for so many others.

josh

yesterday i spent some time reflecting on my beautiful nephew joshua. six years ago (yesterday) he left the loving arms of his family to be embraced by an even bigger love. it's hard to imagine that anyone could love him more than my sister stacy did, but it's true. our Saviour's love is the biggest love that their is and His embrace is the only one true thing that we can count on. He will not let you go if you choose Him.

in my remembering, i pulled out the reading that my sister selected for me to read at josh's funeral. it was a passage that had been shared with her as she walked the journey knowing she would be giving up her son prematurely. it was filled with truth and brought her comfort as she faced her trials. i could write for days on the lessons that my sister and her family taught me during this difficult period, i could describe the faith that they possess, the posture of surrender that they willingly took, the peace that guarded their hearts... i'm not sure you'd believe me if i told you because it was unimaginable. watching this family walking deep in pain and being carried by the truth of the cross was a profound experience for me.

and as i face the trial of my mother and think of the trial that stands before her, i reflect back on what i learned through my piece of the trial of joshua. and so today, i will share the reading from joshy's funeral:

some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures and make them the subject of conversation. while reading the third chapter of malachi, they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse:

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

one lady's opinion of this verse was that it was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the grace of Christ. she decided to visit a silversmith and report to her group what he said on the subject.

she went accordingly, and without telling the object of her errand begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her.

but sir, do you sit while the work of the refining is going on?

oh yes, madam, i must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for the refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.

the lady at once saw the beauty and the comfort too, of the expression.

"He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

Christ sees a need to put His children into the furnace; His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for us.

our trials do not come at random, for it says in mathew 10:30 that "the very hairs of your head are all numbered".

as the lady from the bible study was leaving the silversmith's shop, the silversmith called her back. he said he had forgotten to mention that the only way he knows when the process of purifying is complete is when he sees his own image reflected in the silver. becoming conformed to the image of Christ is a process. each of us is a work in progress. perhaps you can see that you are more patient, more caring, more peaceful in the midst of adversity. when troubles come, you trust more than you once did and you cling to promises such as:

"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose. for those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son." (romans 8:28-29)

the "good" is becoming like Jesus. this takes a lifetime. and even then, the process will not be complete until we see Him face to face.

joshua is now in complete perfection, in heaven, face to face with the refiner.

pat the pilot

i left my mom's bedside on sunday afternoon. in my departure, in spite of her lack of clarity that day, my mom began to pray for me. it is in these moments when she connects with the Holy Spirit that i see true glimpses into the woman that she was before the accident. she prayed for my family and praised God for their willingness to be without me for a few days, for my travel and then she spent a few minutes praying for the pilot of my plane. i was running late and she was beginning to ramble and loose track of her thoughts and so my aunt amy and i wrapped up the prayer for her by saying "amen". i kissed her cheek and reluctantly left for the airport.

once at the airport, i made my way to my gate. i detoured to the ladies room to freshen up and gain composure. as i exited the restroom, a pilot made eye contact with me.

pilot: how are you today, ma'am?

me: i'm ok.

pilot: just ok? what's the matter?

and so i proceeded to give this complete stranger the short version of my reality.

pilot: my name's pat. where you headed?

me: chicago

pilot: oh, well it looks like we'll be traveling together. i'll be the one way up front. what's your mom's name?

me: (suddenly feeling choked up as i remembered my last few moments with my mom) sandra.

pilot: i'm gonna be praying for sandra then. and you, what's your name?

me: tasha... (and then the story tumbled out of my mouth. i told him about my mom praying for me and for him moments before i left her side.)

pilot: (face grinning ear to ear) well look at that! she prayed for me and now i'm going to pray for the two of you. is my collar straight?

i looked at his collar and discovered that he was wearing a cross with praying hands in the center.

God is good. he has shown up at every bend of this journey so far and i say with certainty, that he is walking this path with us. he is walking this path with her. and when she reaches out to him, he covers her and displays his great peace and most blessed assurance that she is in his hands. when we pray, when we ask God to meet the deepest desires of our hearts, He shows up. people are joining us on this journey, even strangers like the pilot of a plane from richmond to chicago. will you join us?

hart upper elementary project

in an effort to distract my mind this weekend and keep things as "normal" as possible for the girls, we went ahead and put up the christmas trees. we went to a lot hosted by the local ymca and picked out our frasier fur. it is beautiful, in my opinion. as we were selecting it, we noticed that attached to the tree was a zip lock baggie with a postcard inside. this is what the card said:

hi!

this christmas tree is from hart, michigan. we are studying michigan's natural resources in our 4th grade social studies. would you please return this postcard to us to let us know where you purchased the this tree? our classes will be charting the locations of where the trees are sold and our students are anxious to hear back from you and your family. feel free to include any other information that you would like. thank you very much!! merry christmas and happy new year.

well that tipped the scales for this former 4th grade teacher turned, full-time momma! we snatched it up and were thrilled to be able to report back to these young students. and by the way, hats off to this team of teachers that are making an effort to make learning memorable and fun at the same time. i can just imagine that being a student working on this project would be very exciting.

happy data collecting!

and just to keep things fun... can you guess which tree is the real tree and which one is our artificial tree?

(i know two trees is a bit excessive, i'll make up for it in other ways. we have just always loved the smell of the real deal wafting through our home. we decided that one tree is sizeable enough of an eco-footprint, so bought the fake guy last year.)

our daily bread

i will begin with a confession. for the past few months, i have been in a spiritual funk. my bible hasn't been open with much regularity. my mind hasn't been dwelling on Christ and my attitude has been pretty poor. i've been tired, frustrated, and sometimes angry. i've sort of been blaming it on the hormonal adjustment that comes when the body completes nursing a little one. but regardless of the reason, that's been my mental state as of late.

hearing about my mom, while in this state, with such distance in my heart from God, has been difficult. i've had a hard time running to His feet with my thoughts, my petitions and letting Him be my comforter and source of strength.

a side story:

from the first day i can recall until the last day i lived in my mother's home, we had family devotions. as a family, right before dinner, we would read the bible passage and daily reading found in our daily bread. afterwards, we would pray together. we would each pick a topic of prayer and then take turns praying out loud. this happened every day, regardless of the circumstances. it happened if we had friends over, it happened if someone was sick, and interruptions weren't really allowed. the phone could ring, someone could knock at the door... it didn't matter. my mother decided early on that it was a priority and that this time together was sacred. it happened everyday from my infancy until i left for college.

yesterday, as i was walking out of church, i glimpsed a stack of our daily bread out of the corner of my eye. i grabbed one, thinking that it would be a good activity for she and i to do together each day when i get to the hospital. i tucked it into my purse and went on my way.

now back to the first story i was telling:
last night i woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. i wanted to pray, but since thursday, my prayers have been hard. i need a miracle right now. God, fortunately, still performs them. and yet, i am aware that for the past few weeks, i have been pushing God away to the fringe. i talk to Him, sure, but it just hasn't been the same. i have been wrestling with the hypocrisy that i feel- pushing God away and then suddenly calling on Him because i really need Him. i never wanted my relationship with God to get to that point. i long to be faithful, to be worshipful in everything, to be close to Him no matter what the circumstances may be. He is too magnificent to be reduced to my "santa in the sky" that i call on only in crisis and only when i want something from Him.

but my heart really wanted to pray. and so in the dark of my room, i prayed. the word pray sounds reverent- what i did, was a little less than that. i cried out and let God know just where i was. that i am frustrated, confused, and lonely. that i've been wondering where He has been these past few weeks and that i don't like the compartment in which i have placed Him.

and you know what, as i prayed, as i cried out to my sweet Jesus, it became abundantly clear. He has been there all along. and do you know what else, i felt this sweep of compassion cover me. it was clear to me that God can handle all of the emotions that i am feeling. He's big enough to shoulder my frustration, He's loving enough to understand my pain, and He is full of forgiveness big enough to cover the distance i have placed in our relationship. He doesn't hold grudges and He reaches out in that instant, the one where we turn to face Him, and he embraces us.

this morning, like every morning since the accident, i called my sisters to get the morning report. today's news just didn't sound good. the doctors had decided that she wasn't strong enough to endure the surgery needed to place the pins in her broken hand. her confusion has increased a bit and she is more unsure about where she is or the reality of the moment. she is also experiencing a lot of discomfort. since she is already limited by her physical handicap that resulted from the aneurysm, there are fewer positions that she can be in. her legs are cramping up, her hips are sore, and she is overall uncomfortable.

after talking to my sisters, i put delaney in her chair for some breakfast. ellie was still asleep and it was just the two of us sitting in the silence while she ate. i couldn't stop thinking about the copy of our daily bread in my purse. i went and pulled it out and opened up my bible, asking God for Him to speak to me. i just needed something to hold onto. i started to read the excerpt for december 1st and then remembered i was supposed to read the scripture passage first. i flipped in my bible to the passage for today:

2 corinthians 4:7-18
"if you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. we carry this precious message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. that's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. as it is, there's not much chance of that. you know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. we've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. what they did to Jesus, they do to us- trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us- he lives! our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. while we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! we're not keeping this quiet, not on your life. just like the psalmist who wrote, "i believed it, so i said it," we say what we believe. and what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. every detail works to your advantage and to God's glory; more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise! so we're not giving up. how could we! even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace.

i read these words and began to weep. my father, Jesus, knew exactly what i needed. He didn't keep it from me, but pored it out there for me, the minute that i was willing to receive it. and He didn't do in just any old way. He used the same little old devotional that i grew up with. the one i haven't read in years, but always makes me think of my sweet momma and her dedication to raising her girls in The Truth. and as i am here in chicago, away from my mother, for another day, i will cling to these words. as i board the plane tomorrow night to go and be with her, i will cling to these words. as i sit by her side, when it's time for me to leave, with each decision, with each step forward, with each slide back, i will cling to these words.

*above is that picture of my mom and i when i was born, right before she went in to surgery. my aunt sharon posted it on her blog for me.

my mother cont'd

the first picture taken of my mother and i was taken shortly after i was born, right before she was wheeled into the operating room for major surgery. in that photo, my mother had a beautiful head of thick brown, shiny hair. the next photo to be taken of me and my mother is months later. she is wearing a scarf to cover her shaven head.

i don't know why this image has been in my mind so much these past few days. it is one of those things that as my mind wanders, my thoughts drift to my sweet momma, laying in a hospital bed hundreds of miles away, keeps coming forth into my thoughts.

i'll start at the beginning.

33 years ago, almost exactly, my mother was pregnant with little old me. she was fixing dinner for my two older sisters and just didn't feel right. she went to lay down on the couch because she felt really bad. as the story goes, she was taken to the hospital where they discovered that she was suffering from a brain aneurysm. the doctors weren't certain what the extent of the damage was on her or me, but they knew they needed to operate immediately. they also knew that they couldn't perform brain surgery on a pregnant woman. i was birthed in a hurry, in an effort to save her life. once stable from childbirth, she was taken into surgery to remove the aneurysm. months passed, several surgeries took place and somehow months later, this stubborn and very determined woman returned home to her family. and while her body was very altered physically, she persevered and defied the odds. with much therapy, she walked with the assistance of a cane, in spite of her physical paralysis in her left arm and leg. and aside from some minor short-term memory issues, she regained full mental health.

this is the first miracle that i witnessed in my life.

faith for me has always hinged on that miracle. from the first day of my existence, God proved to be faithful. he saved me, he saved my mother. he made the impossible possible.

on thanksgiving night, my mother, visiting her sister in richmond, decided to take a walk. walking and praying are one of my mothers favorite things. she walks each morning and talks to her friend, Jesus. he is her lifeline. and so as i picture her walking that early evening, i know she was not alone, but rather deep in conversation with her father above. suddenly she was struck by a vehicle, knocking her to the ground. she was taken by ambulance to the hospital. the details of that ride, those first moments at the hospital, the initial prognosis, i do not know. i just know that things were pretty grim. her brain was bleeding, her body badly bruised- you see she sustained major impact on her usable body parts. the doctors anticipated having to go in surgically to relieve the pressure on her brain from where the blood was pooling.

in the middle of the night, my sister stacy arrived at her bedside. my mom was in a rough state and things did not look good. we would wait until morning for the next ct scan to see how the bleeding was going. but from my sisters description, things didn't sound very optimistic and it appeared that my mom's memory was altered.

hours passes as my sister and her husband prayed with her, stroked her pale cheeks and massaged her legs. morning came and the doctors came by to do their rounds. another ct scan was given. and while the scan didn't look good, her body, her physical progress spoke hope to them. you see, while the scan didn't show much change from the night before and suggested that surgery might still be necessary, her speech, her increased memory, her coloring, her vitals all indicated that she was making tremendous progress. one doctor even commented that the scan and the patient didn't match. he was amazed at her progress. there isn't much explanation, unless you believe in miracles.

and so today, 24 hours post accident, i stand in that miracle. she is alive. she is showing some progress. the road ahead looks like it will be long, but i know that she, my sisters, and i won't have to walk it alone. i know that the same God that brought her out from under the cloud of a brain aneurysm will walk with us through this too.

rest cont'd

and to say we did nothing, well that's not really accurate. but we did do a whole lotta relaxin'!

we went peach picking to a nearby orchard.


we hung out with some really good friends.

we laid on the beach. if you can believe it, right before i took this picture, i actually laid on the blanket with my hubby for almost 7 uninterrupted minutes of sunning and stillness! it was heavenly.

we caught up on a little reading. (scott resents me taking this picture because he said it made it look like he did this often. he wanted me to note that he sat doing this for approximately 5 minutes on one day. the rest of his reading took place after the girls went to bed:)
we built sand castles.

we ate lots of really yummy food... and well, others of us ate rocks:)

and had a really wonderful time together as a family!

rest

i've been resting... for 11 days. for those of you that know me, you know that i don't sit still very well for very long. i can relax for brief intervals, but then i find something to busy myself with. i get jittery. i need to DO something.

scott has had the most laborious summer of his career. he has worked long days and burned the midnight oil for many of nights. at the start of the summer, he saw this coming and wisely he suggested we go away for a last hurrah before our busy fall kicked into gear. i diligently scoured the internet for a cottage in michigan.

and so we headed to new buffalo, mi for 11 days. i didn't' intend for it to be so long, but that's how the cottage owners do it around here. i was a little nervous. 11 days? the first weekend here, i left scott at home to host his college buddies for a reunion weekend. it was wonderful. i came with my beautiful friend steph and her two sweet girls. kate is almost four and has been buds with e for the last 3 years. amanda is two weeks younger than d. it is rare to find a family that provides such perfect playmates for your little one, while also providing valuable adult connections. i adore kate and amanda. they are really amazing kids that you just fall in love with. for the 3 days they were here, i fell a little bit further in love with them and i realized how lucky i am to know them and to have them as friends for my own sweet girls. and steph, well she is an amazing woman, mother, and wife. i've learned a lot from my friendship with her. she always makes me think about things in a new way and helps me see the beauty of life with a different lens.

after they left, our friends jen and payton arrived. (do you remember my friend that bursts out in prayer and invites God into any conversation?) payton and e have been best friends since they were 5 months old. they also stayed for 3 days. it was wonderful to enjoy the sand, yummy ice cream, swinging, and e's first official slumber party with them. (e and kate tried, but they just didn't quite know how to fall asleep together. the third time was the charm. e and payton finally dozed off and made it half way through the night together.)

while jen and steph were here, i was having a blast. and because there was a change in guests, i had some things to keep myself busy. i had laundry and dishes, tidying up and preparing. but when jen pulled out of the drive i suddenly found myself feeling anxious. i began to wonder about things at home. were there any important massages awaiting me on my answering machine? urgent mail to tend to? is my garden thriving? did the neighbor remember to enjoy the ripe tomatoes? i felt a little bit isolated, cut off. i mean, i didn't even know who obama had chosen as his running mate! i hadn't really even turned on the tv and i certainly hadn't read the paper.
scott was coming later that night, so i spent my afternoon busying myself. again, i began to tidy and wash, cook and do pretty much anything to busy myself. i was having trouble being still.

scott arrived. and suddenly, i found myself still. i was enjoying the crickets more. i was content with the absence of a plan or a schedule and gave in to complete relaxation. and when my mind would wander to things at home, to our fall schedule that begins this week, to blog entries, to e's upcoming 4th birthday party, i found myself pushing it out rather than welcoming it into my mind.

and so here i am, at the end of vacation, finally surrendered to rest. and i suddenly have a new perspective on the sabbath. while i didn't abstain from using energy, cooking, lights, driving etc., i did do a whole lot of nothing. and while you're doing a whole lot of nothing, God suddenly becomes ushered into your thoughts in a refreshing new way. He becomes the center and everything else becomes secondary. i am not typically one that finds God in nature (i see Him just fine on a bustling city street, thank you), but suddenly, i found myself staring at the waves and thinking about Him. as i watched frogs, crickets, fire ants, daddy long legs, and spiders i marveled at how unique each part of creation is. as i indulged in oink's ice cream, i celebrated the taste buds purposefully placed on my tongue.

and thencomes the time to depart. and hopefully this rest has restored me. hopefully i will carry these new nature eyes into my busier version of life and hopefully, i'll find more reasons to be still.

"Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything." (Psalm 46:10 The Message Translation)

d and amanda

Kate and ellie (with stephanie and amanda in the back)

big sisters trying to contain little sisters.

one of the 11 sunny days on lake michigan.

d and her momma

a backyard appetizer picnic with payton and jen.

payton enjoying her oink's ice cream

(the buser family ate there almost every day! OINK, OINK!)

bff!

adios... we're off to the beach

it has been a long couple of weeks. we are heading to the beach in michigan for a couple of days of much needed r & r... momma with some friends and some kiddos for a few days and then just the four of us for a few more. i'll be home soon. enjoy your last few days before the fall schedule gets into full swing.

trinity united church of christ

a friend of mine told me a story a few weeks ago, and it has stuck with me. it creeps into my mind unexpectedly and sits there.

my friend is camia. camia is this amazing, unassuming, open, talented woman. she carries many titles- poet, children's author, harvard graduate, and teacher. i had the pleasure of getting to know her through my work with KIPP (knowledge is power program). we basically lived and breathed that school together and through all that sweat and tears, i was gifted with really knowing her. not just the camia that she puts out there for people to know, but the real deal. you know, the depth that comes from being together way too much in those really difficult circumstances.

anyways, the story:
camia has kept in contact and relationship with many of our former students. to say that she is in contact with them is actually an understatement. she takes a huge risk, but remains involved in their lives intimately. they call her in the middle of the night when they experience crisis. they show her their report cards. they ask for advice in their friendships and relationships. and in all of these circumstances she hammers home the message to them that she cares about them, that she loves them, and that what they do with their lives matters.

we went out to dinner recently. i knew that she attended barak obama's church in the city and i wanted to get her opinion on the situation. i wanted to know more about the people that call that church home- i know her and know she is a friend of Jesus, and so i wanted to see the "scandal" through her eyes.

and while camia is deep, always. you can count on the fact that she will answer your questions in an unexpected way. sometimes, while she's getting right to the heart of your question, you sit back and wonder what question she's even answering. and then, boom! she hits you right between the eyes with some profound answer that took you down a very different road, but nails your question square on the head.

and so in this conversation, she told me this story. she went through a phase where she just wasn't getting her bones out of bed each sunday to make it to church. and then she started missing it. one saturday night she was on the phone with one of the KIPPsters. somehow, the girl (we'll call her s), said she wanted to go to church with camia. camia agreed to pick her up in the morning to take her to church. the next morning came, camia drug her bones out of bed and picked s up. the pair headed off to church. s liked it so much that she wanted to go back the next week. and now it is a routine. camia makes a drive by the dearborn housing development each sunday morning on her way to church. she picks up s and any of the other kids that want to join her. from what i understand, there are a few that go each week. s likes it so much so that she's dragging along her friends, and camia now has a new motivation for meeting with God every sunday morning.


a few weeks into this routine, camia and her little friends (all middle school/early high school age) are sitting in the sanctuary, worshiping Jesus. a lady taps s on the shoulder and gently points to a bug on her shoulder. s looks down and notices a giant cockroach climbing out of her collar. she takes care of the bug and then puts her head down in her hands and begins to weep. you see, this church experience is so much bigger than we thought for s. she was going each week, and in going, she was escaping from her world. she was away from the housing project, out of the poverty that is her life, turning from the chaos and being welcomed into the arms of camia and a congregation that accepted her. s thought they accepted her because they didn't know who she really was.


and in those moments, s learned that she will never truly escape from who she is, but that she is loved by camia, the woman who pointed out the bug, her friends and a Jesus who is bigger than any cockroach you could ever imagine.

and so in the retelling of this story, camia answered my question. rather than answering me in a political way and defending the left she gave me a very different answer. camia who is not much of a political activist, and very much a heart activist, tackled my question with the language she speaks best. she lives for the language of the heart. and in doing this, she showed me that this is simply a community of believers and that the clips shown in the media limit the heart of these people. and while we can't get into rev. wright's head and explain his provocative comments, the people that worship Jesus in the seats of wright's former church are just like the rest of us. maybe better. they get the concept of acceptance- even when you don't feel worthy, they embrace compassion. and evangelism, they hit this one right out of the park. just ask s.

oh- and the new song you here by nicole c. mullen, that's for s. i think of her everytime i hear it and smile because she really is a diamond.