one hit wonder

at the risk of ruining my readership and turning my blog into the "diary of an 8 x 12 gardener", i am going to talk about my garden again:) i know, i know, i'm bobby mcferrin (one hit wonder from the 89's) these days. but i had a bad day today. my girls, both of them, were not on their best behavior. they weren't even on their kinda ok behavior. daddy has had to work really late for the past two nights and the girls and i, well, let's just say we were ready to call it a day. after tucking their pretty little heads into their pretty little beds, i had this to look forward to.

my first b.l.t. of the season with the most scrumptious tomatoes from my garden, toasted challah bread, locally grown organic lettuce and local hormone/antibiotic free bacon. heavenly!
oh, and this is what i harvested yesterday. not bad for a days work!

pga update

to sumarize our weekend: much ado about nothing:) i made it through the gates without incident. we met some friends at the golf tournament and had a lovely day, in spite of the rain in the afternoon. we walked a few holes, sat in the stands at hole 12, watched some of our favorites on hole 1 and got a little bit wet.

the volunteers at the first aid station were quite comical. apparently there weren't any "real" medical emergencies on saturday, so this pumping momma had quite the pumping station. when i arrived to pump, a few of the male volunteers were a wee bit shocked and slightly uncomfortable at this mommas need for "first aid". overall, mission accomplished.

one of the friends we went to the tournament with is known to have a wild side. he and some other unnamed michigan graduates have an innocent history with dropping their pants at holiday parties, weddings etc. they have never given the full monty (thankfully), but have been known to show off their boxers on occasion. the joke of the day was that he would drop his pants and streak across a green wearing only his boxers and (drum roll please) my breast pump. thankfully, the rains came before that happened:)

memory map

my hubby is a huge fan of maps. he sold his car last week, and as he was about to hand over the keys, he found one of his coveted maps in the glove compartment. it was a map of chicago. he laid it out on the floor and started showing things to e. e, who loves anything that daddy loves, was engrossed completely. i walked in and found them all together, huddled over the map, taking it all in.



suddenly, e shouted, "look momma, it's buckingham fountain!" up until a few months ago, when i discovered a shortcut on lower wacker, we would pass buckingham fountain on our way into the city. i would point it out to her each time and ask her what it was. sometimes she'd remember, sometimes she'd forget. but today, as she saw it on the cover of the map, she recognized it, she knew its name and she was thrilled with her smarty pants self:) and so was her momma.

they continued looking at the map for a few minutes. i started to walk out of the room and as i left, i heard scott point something out to e.

s: look ellie, here's a note i wrote to your mom.

this piqued my curiosity, so i went back into the family room. and there in the middle of lake michigan was a note. it made my heart smile. right away, i remembered receiving the note on the map. it was during the summer between his second and third year of law school. scott lived in chicago while i was still in atlanta. i came to visit him quite frequently and on the days he had to work, i would tour the city. it was kind of like my courtship with chicago. if you know chicago, you know that it is the summer here that makes it worth it. there is something magical in the air during the months of june, july and august. the rest of the year, well, not so much. but those three beautiful months carry you through year after year.

and during that summer, i came to know that chicago would eventually be my home. and i came to know that the man God had for me, scott, was worth september through may.

and so he left me a love note on a map, with directions to my tourist destinations for the day. he signed it scooter, the name i've called him since we fell in love. to think, this little piece of history almost drove off in our old glove box! i'm so glad that he rescued it and i'm so glad for the memories of love and adoration that flooded into my heart. God picked a good man for me. scooter, i love you!

a little chat with Jesus

so i had a little situation today. and while i'm not ready to share the details yet, i want to share a little conversation that i had with my Father.

i went to my car and i sat there for a few quiet moments, before heading to pick up e from summer camp.

m: (whispering) Father, i'm a little scared.

G: i know. do you trust me?

m: yes, i trust you.

G: do you know i love you?

m: yes, Father, i know you love me.

G: will you walk with me? will you let me carry you? through anything?

m: i will, Father.

and so that is where i am today. there are a lot more details to this conversation, but i felt that God wanted me to share it... today... before i know where this journey will take me.

lactavist, cont'd

so i was just reflecting on my day and thinking through the whole pga debacle, hopefully solved and something very important came into my mind.

do you have friends that break into prayer mid conversation with you? i do:) i am blessed with an amazing friend, jen, who is a crazy prayer warrior. she's amazing. her life is one constant conversation with God about pretty much everything. and that's just the way my Abba wants it. she's a good example for me and often (probably without even knowing it) reminds me of what my relationship with The Father should look like. (i'm a work in progress.)

anyways, midway through today, she called me to catch up. i gave her the low down on my crazy battle with the pga. now mind you, this was before the channel 4 news call, before i knew what step was to be taken next. do you know what she did? she just broke out in prayer. that's right! she lifted it up to God. now i'd been prayin' alright, but it was more about keeping control, showing love, and not letting 'em have it. her prayer- well it was about getting a "yes". she even thanked our God for caring about little things like a nice day at the pga with my hubby.

as i was reflecting on my (???) accomplishment, i realized that it wasn't mine at all. it is totally His! He made the "no" turn into a "yes". He cares about ME that much! wow! He cares about me THAT MUCH!

do you know that? do you feel that God cares about the details in your life in such a special way- even when it doesn't really seem to matter in the grand scheme of The Kingdom? well, He does. He loves you and He is totally in the details. thanks Jen, for praying for me and for reminding me that my Father wants me to talk to Him always, about everything. and when we do, well, do you know who gets the glory? not this little lactavist, but Him!

1 Peter 5:7 cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

lactavist in the making

so today's entry is a little bit different than my usual postings, but relevant to this suburban momma. on saturday i am scheduled to attend the PGA championship in michigan. i bought these tickets for my hubby for valentine's day. we arranged childcare with scott's mom and have been looking forward to it for months.

last week, we started thinking through the logistics. at this time, it dawned on me that over the course of the day, i will need to pump several times. no problem, thought i, i'll just bring my handy pump with a battery pack. another option, i'll plug my handy pump into my car lighter. a few quick trips to the car throughout the day and i'd be good to go. my hubby, being the detail oriented man that he can be, decided to look at the PGA policy page to make sure one of these options would work. well, neither does. there is a no re admittance policy and a no electronic device policy. we were left scratching our heads. could it be possible that i just can't go????

scott took matters into his own hands and emailed the contact people for the tournament. he was kind, he was concise spelling out the issue and he even proposed some really easy solutions. after a few days passed, we heard back. the official standpoint from the PGA was "sorry charlie". you can come, you can't leave and return after pumping in your car, and oh, by the way, please don't bring your pump because it isn't allowed. again, hmmm???

i have never been an activist for anything. i have never participated in a sit-in or a march, i've never written a letter on behalf of a policy i disagreed with, but this just didn't sit right in my little mind. it stirred something in me. i called detroit chanel 4 news. they were very interested. they wanted to do an interview right away. before agreeing to this, i decided to give the PGA one last chance to make it right.

a quick call to headquarters, an explanation of my situation, an explanation of possible solutions and a quick (but very kind) mention of chanel 4 news, and voila. the head of the tournament called me back immediately and said that there would be no problem. she apologized for her earlier "NO" and said that they would be happy to accommodate my need. she reassured me that the gate attendant would admit me and that i can leave my pump at the first-aid station. when necessary, i can report to my pump, pump away and then go on about my day at my leisure.

will that prove to be the case, i don't know. it's too soon to tell. but i am hopeful. i never raised my voice, i was calm and polite throughout, and i prayed a lot (because i really did want to yell and pound my fists).

it all made me think. are we so rigid and focused on our task at hand to see past humanity? is it possible that we don't see the needs of those around us because we are so busy with everything else? people are unique. so are their situations. are we willing to "bend the rules" to be kind, fair and inclusive?

chanel 4 is holding out hope that the PGA denies me access. they were a little bummed when they found out i didn't need their camera crew after all. i've been told that i should call them immediately if i am denied admittance on the day of. but as for me, i'm glad to see that the PGA decided to make it right. i hope they stick to their end of the bargain. but if not, this lactavist is not going to take it lying down:) i'll keep you posted.

the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

last night was a rough one. at about 9:00 d woke up, having just been asleep for an hour. she was a mess. the poor little girlie had watery eyes, a runny nose and a fever. she is typically not one to cry much, but last night, cry she did. she was so sad. we were up together for most of the night. in between nose wipes, she would rest in my arms, but never really reached a deep sleep.

on top of this, e woke up in the middle of the night after having a terrible dream about her room being filled with bugs. if you know e, this is the worst nightmare she could imagine. she is not of fan of bugs!

finally, at about 3ish, things started to settle down. d was able to sleep for about 2 1/2 hours before waking up again. it was a rough night.

on top of all of this, scott has been struggling with a cold/sinus infection for the past few days. to add insult to injury, we were expecting painters at 8am in the morning. this is the current state of our living room.

thankfully, i am married to a very good man! he announced at 6 that he was not going in to work. he stayed home today and helped me juggle the painters, a sick baby girl, and an active 3 1/2 year old. i was even able to get a wonderful nap that helped me catch up on the sleep i didn't get last night.

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. if not, i'm moving to australia!

*the reading teacher in me couldn't resist the reference to one of my favorite children's books by judith viorst. the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day is a book about a little boy having a rough day. his solution is to move to australia:) if you haven't read it, check it out at the library and read it to a little one in your life. they'll like it.

the woods

my mom is really interested in what she calls "visual history". basically, what she is referring to are the artifacts that we have that evoke a memory from something in our past. she likes to collect pieces of visual history that remind her of her life before her mother passed away. i think that is the root of her love for antiques. she really enjoys perusing an antique store and finding something that she remembers her mother having in their house when she was a little girl. her mother died when she was rather young and these items help to transport her mind back to that time. it helps keep the memory of her mother alive and vibrant.

interestingly, my dad's mom also has a thing for visual history. as she has downsizes from the home she lived in with my grandfather, to the apartment that she now resides in, she has made a point to share her trinkets with children and grandchildren. each little thing that she has given me is special. when i look at them in my home, they transport me back to my childhood. i can remember where they were located in her home and am often flooded with the happy memories that i have from trips to her home. they always make me remember my special relationships with my grandfather, cousins and her.

today, scott and i took the girls on a walk through a bike path in the woods. we have never done this before. mostly because i am highly allergic to poison ivy and i have the tendency to catch it if it is in a ten mile radius. as an adult, i don't really spend much time out and about enjoying nature unless it involves a beach. sad, but true. as a little girl, however, i grew up in the woods.

at the end of our street was a huge field and just beyond that was a glorious playground, the woods. the kids in my neighborhood spent most of our summers building forts, picking berries, playing hide and go seek all deep in the woods. we would head out in the morning, often packing a lunch, and return at dinnertime.

as we walked along the bike path, my eyes were transported back in time. each flower that i saw, the thistle, the stream, the smell of the trees... all of it carried me back to my childhood. the visual history that pored out from this walk surprised me. i didn't realize how much i missed the woods and i had sort of tucked those memories back into a forgotten corner of my mind. as we walked i told stories to e about my childhood and shared a little bit of my past with her. it was a special time.

her highlight was climbing down a little slope and looking for fish in the creek. she was fearful at first, but then got her nature groove on and became a pro at climbing the embankment. these daddy/daughter moments are ones that i will add to the visual history of the woods. they are priceless.

sisterhood

i have three sisters. my relationships with each of them are so important to me. i can't imagine my life without them.

i can remember as a young girl, the first time that i felt the unbreakable bond of sisterhood. it was back when my parents had just divorced. we had just returned from a hard weekend with my dad. i can't really remember the details of the weekend, and it wasn't anything my father did, it was just part of getting through the newness of it all. we were raw and experiencing the pain of such a traumatic change in our lives. i can remember the three of us laying on my sister heather's bed and crying together. my mom tried to comfort us, but there wasn't much she could do. it was my sisters that i needed. and somehow, through the pain, we met one another's need. it was the sisterhood, the even playing field of three girls going through the same trauma together, that brought us out from under the cloud of that day.

as we began to get older, our bond of sisterhood was somehow severed in a way. we were each walking through life, experiencing our worlds separately instead of clinging to one another for support. it was divisive for us. and while we were always sisters, our hearts for one another changed.

after i graduated from college, through some very unusual circumstances, i went to live with my sister stacy. and in the year that i lived with her, we found our bond once again. during that year, we spent a lot of time talking together, usually over a game of cards. in spite of the years and the life stage (she was married with a baby, i was a fresh wandering college graduate searching for my future), we built a bridge. the friendship that emerged from that year together carries me even to this day. in the past few years, we have only grown stronger. don't get me wrong, it still has its sisterly ups and downs, but it is an unbreakable tie that binds us.

it was more difficult to repair the damage that occurred with my oldest sister, heather. because we had seven years separating us and because we lived so far away, the chasm was that much harder to cross. i think that the repair began for us when we had babies at the same time. it was unusual, because i had thought she was done having children even before i married. i never expected us to go through that journey together. but we did. and through the birth of our babes (will and ellie), we began to heal. it wasn't until recently, that i felt like our relationship had come full circle, though. over the past year we have talked weekly, seen each other more, and really gotten to know one another as adults, leaving our childhood identities and family roles mostly behind. it feels good to know her in this way.

and then there is my little sister. we still aren't quite there yet. she is so much younger than i am and we see each other so infrequently, that it is challenging to build that adult bond. but i am hopeful. she's in her last year of college, and my desire is for us to also establish a friendship that goes beyond our family dynamic. we are making little strides on that front, but i know the future holds good things for us.

why am i bringing all of this up? why is it fresh on this momma's mind? well, i'll tell you.

it is because i see the sisterhood forming. i see the way that d looks to her big sister e, expectant, hopeful, desiring acceptance, longing for relationship. and i see the way ellie girl gives it to her, freely without hesitation. she loved to make her little sister laugh, she celebrates d's accomplishments and she misses her when they aren't together.

it is sweet and lovely to watch it unfold. and while i know that there will be bumps in the road, i hope that they can be close always. i hope that life doesn't find a way to creep into their relationship and separate them. i long for them to know the amazing feeling of sisterhood- of closeness that is like no other. i long for them to cling to one anther as they walk through life and to call one friend.


*the photo above was taken a while back. we were teasing e one night at bedtime saying that d was going to sleep with her since she was so good at caring for her little sister. we told her that we thought she might do a better job in the wee small hours than momma or daddy could:)

today's bounty

the babes and i went for an afternoon walk aound the block. (scott has a work event tonight and truth be told, i was killing time.) i digress. e decided that she wanted to ride her scooter. if you have seen the current version of the adventures of tiger and pooh, you will be able to relate. she pretends to be darby and that she is on a super sleuth adventure.

e: anytime, anyplace, the super sleuths are on the case

she then spent the duration of our walk looking for clues. i asked her what the mystery was that she was solving. she didn't seem to know. apparently that is not a prerequisite for super sleuths. she was pretty cute. she was scootering all over the sidewalk. laughing and pointing out the things that she saw along the way. we made it halfway around the block and she decided that she wanted to take a shortcut down the alley. clue gathering seems to tire a girl out.

we headed down the alley and arrived at our garden. ellie began to hunt for veggies. the picture above shows what she found. i had thought that we were done super sleuthing, but after picking our veggies, e turned to me and said:

this mystery is history!

times they are a changin'

a lot has been happening on the kiddo front around here. i've been trying to get some good pics to upload, but just haven't been able to capture the essence of ellie. she has been funny in front of the camera lately... i'll work on it.

anyways, in the past two weeks my 'lil ladybug has made some huge strides. she is now pull-up free, leaving me with just one babe in diapers! it has been amazing. forgive my story, i know in the grand scheme of things, we all end up sleeping through the night without pull-ups, but to this momma it is something to celebrate.

two weeks ago, a certain momma to go unnamed, didn't realize that we were out of pull-ups. bedtime arrived and we were without a plan. scott, being the world's #3 dad that he is (#1 in my book, baby), suggested that we do the big girl pants thing. unnamed mom above was less excited about that plan and wanted to jump in the car and head to whole foods. anyways, ellie jumped on the big girl pants idea and said she was ready. unnamed mom, more of a skeptic, prepared for the worst and geared up for lots of midnight sheet changing. daddy #3 and big girl e, thankfully, were triumphant. e has gone for two weeks without any accident and without any desire to go back to her pull-ups! hooray! i'm so proud of her!

bug #2 has also been making some big strides. in the same time span, she has gone from not being able to sit up unsupported, to crawling all over town. well, less of a crawl and more of a slither, but moving none-the-less. she has successfully located all of the ac vents on the first floor and spends a good deal of her time, deep in conversation with them. she has also started some babble that contains her first consonant sounds... babababa, and occasionally, mamama. i have decided that the mamama portion, is not in fact babble, but is her first word:)

the chicago athletic association

on sunday, when e and i went to the concert, i walked past the chicago athletic association. this is where scott and i were married. obviously, it is filled with memories of a very significant day in my life. i think back to it now, almost 6 years later, and realize that i could never have fathomed the beauty that would spill out from our life together. he is an amazing man. i certainly knew that then, but as time passes, i see him with fresh eyes. my life is so much richer than i could have imagined on that october day. and while my heart was filled with hope for the life we would have together, seeing it unfold has been such an over-the-top experience.

walking by that building was bittersweet. it has now closed and the future of what it is to become is uncertain. there has been speculation about what will be done with it, but no final decision has been made.

when i think back to my wedding day, the one thing that stands out the most is my mother. i can remember sitting with scott eating our dinner and catching a glimpse of my mom out of the corner of my eye. i watched her for a few minutes and was amazed at what i saw. she was circling the room, greeting each table. and while i couldn't hear what she was saying, i could see a radiant glow on her face. she was beaming. to read this might not sound amazing at all. that's what the mother of the bride is supposed to do, right? she is typically beaming and playing the good hostess roll. but for me, it was different. you see, my mom doesn't beam that often. her life has been hard and she usually carries an expression of focus. she has to be that way.

when i was born, my mom suffered from a severe brain aneurysm. she was hospitalized for six months and there was little hope that she would walk again. being the determined woman that she is, she defied those odds and walked. first, with the help of a full leg brace and now with just the help of a cane. her perseverance has always been amazing. but it has led to a lot less beaming and glowing as she mothered her three girls.

while i watched her i wondered about the glow. where did it come from on this day? this was a day that could have been difficult for her. you see, the room was filled with people from both sides of my family. my parents divorced when i was a toddler. being at a wedding with her ex-husband and his entire family doesn't always make for a day of "glowing". and yet she did.

i asked her about it after the wedding and she unfolded a beautiful story for me. my mom shared with me that she had spent her entire period of motherhood praying that her girls would marry men that called Jesus their friend. this day, marked for her, an answer to that prayer. and while the story could have turned out differently (my sisters and i didn't always gravitate to that kind of man), it didn't. she was spilling over with joy because all three of her "sons" had made a decision to walk their lives with God at their side. this day, for her, was about a God that cared for her deeply and had made good on His promise to her.

melt down

e and i went to a concert on sunday afternoon. it was one of our first solo mommy-daughter outings since d was born. the concert was justin roberts- he is a witty children's musician. his topics and tempo are all about his little listeners. but his lyrics, oh, i swear those are just for us grown-ups. this guy gets it. he knows that kids LOVE the music. they make you listen to their songs over and over and over again. because he knows we are subjected to the endless repetition of our kiddos favorite tunes, he throws in a little bit for us big kids, too. i must admit, i think i had a better time at the concert than e did.

here are the lyrics to my favorite song by justin roberts. i can relate to this song on so many levels. i laugh almost every time that i hear it:) enjoy.

MELTDOWN

Brother and me were in the living room
Busy coloring chairs that we lay on
No signs of gloom, a quiet affair
That is until I borrowed his crayon
I cannot lie it’s the one he loves the best and
I don’t know why I put him to the test
But I had no idea he’d get this distressed
Now he’s having a meltdown
Didn’t know that he felt down
A m-m-m-m-m meltdown
Then Mom walked in and stared at us in awe
Couldn’t quite understand what the deal was
Or what she saw, I took my brother’s hand
Gave him his crayon and said sorry cause
I was aware that we were in a bind
Mom’s antique chairs were covered in colored lines
And I guess she not a fan of those rainbow designs
Now she’s having a meltdown
Didn’t know that she felt down
A m-m-m-m-m meltdown
She’s having an M-E-L-T-D-O-W-N
D-O-W-N down.

all songs © Justin Roberts, 2006. all rights reserved. www.justinrobertsmusic.com
C

the harvest

yep! i grew that cucumber. it was delicious. i think the coolest part of my garden is going out to check on it every day with ellie. we walk out there and try to find the most recent additions. she loves gently turning back the leaves in search of a bloom turning into a baby "pickle". she gets so excited!

"momma, a pickle right there. see? under this leaf!"

last week, when we discovered a full grown cucumber, she was thrilled to pick it. she wanted to eat it right away, but i thought it best to save it for dinner. daddy is a fan of the garden and he might have been sad to miss out on our cucumber. i also must admit that my lack of faith in my gardening skills, rodents, etc. have me thinking (in spite of my thousands of blooms) that this might be the only veggie our little garden produces.

and so for dinner, we all ate some of our first cucumber. it was the best cucumber that i have ever had!

the world sippy cup

a few weeks ago scott and i were asked to participate in the world sippy cup competition. it was rather hysterical! the results are in. scott came in third. please check out the article below (or you can pick up the august copy of chicago magazine).

http://chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/August-2008/Men-Behaving-Dadly/index.php?cp=1&si=0#artanc

we are contesting the results. we know who the number one dad truly is! we have a sign to prove it and everything!

lincoln park zoo

remember the deer that i wrote about way back in the beginning? well, that experience of looking for the deer in the woods continues on today. way back in the winter, as we looked for the deer, e's thoughts became consumed by the deer. being a contemplative sort of girl, she was filled with questions. frequently, she throws her list of questions at me, and i do my best at giving her the answers. it is challenging.

e: momma, what do the deer eat?

m: they eat grass and leaves, baby.

e: momma, where are their houses?

m: they don't have houses, babe. they live in the woods.

e: where do they sleep then?

m: they sleep in the woods. they use leaves and sticks to make little beds. (you can see her trying to wrap her 3 year old brain around this, and creating images of sleigh beds and canopy beds throughout the woods.)

e: well, what do they use for pillows?

e: and blankets, mom? what do they cover themselves with?

e: do they have nightlights and noisemakers?

you see, well e doesn't care much for bedtime, she cares a lot about being cozy. she likes things to be a specific way and has a need for order in her bedroom and in her mind. she can't just wrap her head around a deer calling the dirt its bed and its fur its blanket. and so we have this same conversation over and over again. i try, like any momma would, to help her make sense out of this. i'm just not sure she believes me. secretly, she's holding out hope that i'm wrong and that they have little deer houses with little deer beds... and pillows and blankets and maybe even a little lovie that they hold onto while sucking their hoof to help them fall asleep. just like she does.

as spring has turned to summer, the frequency of this chat has increased. we don't see many deer in the summer, so she has moved on to other animals. usually, once a day, i get asked about some animal and their living conditions, specifically questions pertaining to sleep.

e: momma, where do the birds sleep?

e: momma, how about the bunnies? do they have pillows?

i am simultaneously humored and annoyed by this line of questioning. it is adorable that she cares so much and is really trying to process the well being of other creatures. and at the same time, it is annoying because it is non-stop. (if you know three year olds, you won't judge me for using the word annoyed. i mean it in the kindest way.) just when i think we've solved the mystery of where the animals sleep, she thinks up a new animal.

i was telling scott about this line of questioning the other night over pillow-talk. he started laughing and told me that on saturday, while they were chalking on the sidewalk, she had hit him up with the same type of questions. she wanted to know about the ants. apparently she was looking for confirmation that mom knows what she is talking about. or maybe, she's given up on mom's version and has turned to daddy for the truth. (i'm telling y'all, she won't rest on this topic until we confirm her suspicions. she really wants to believe that they are cozy, safe and secure in their beds each night, blanket and all.)

and so yesterday, like a good retired science teacher would, i took my babe to the zoo. we spent the day inspecting animals. we analyzed what they had to eat and we searched for the ones that were sleeping. not a pillow or a blanket did we find, but truth be told, i still think she's still holding out hope.

btw: to make the zoo trip more exciting, i dragged along my friend holly. she's visiting from Atlanta again and was a good sport on this 95 degree day. the picture shows their snow-cone colored tongues. i can just guess that e thinks the lions get a snow cone every afternoon at about 3:00, too. her science teacher is going to hate me a few years from now.

irresistible revolution

i've been meaning to tell this story for a while, but have put it off for a variety of reasons.

a few months ago i read the book irresistible revolution by shane claiborne. it is an amazing book that chronicles how one guy is living differently, radically pursuing a lifestyle that he believes emulates the way God wants us to live.

one morning i dropped e off at pre-school and made my way to caribou coffee with d and the book in hand. i figured i could get through a chapter or two without the distraction of things that could be done at home.

i ordered my coffee, found a spot in a quiet corner, gave d some toys to keep her attention occupied and opened the book. the chapter that i was beginning was titled "extremists for love". here are some parts that i read... (it is all part of the story).

we live in an age in which people, when they hear the word christian, are much more likely to think of people who hate gays than people who love outcasts, and that is a dangerous thing.

the world has seen christian extremists who will blow up abortion clinics and dance on the doctors' graves. we have seen christian extremists who hold signs that say, "God hates fags." the world has seen christian extremists who declare war in the name of the Lamb. but where are the christian extremists for love and grace?

and then the author gives account after account of people from history that knew how to love. he tells stories of dr. king, gandhi, paul, stephen, a woman who lost her entire family in iraq. the list goes on. in each of these stories, the people showed an unbelievable commitment to love. they modeled God's grace, forgiveness and love with the actions of their lives.

as i was reading this, i became more and more excited. i liked this picture of love. it is much harder to do than what the extremists are doing, but feels right to me. it embodies the true characteristics of Christ. and then i read...

we are to love those who bomb us? we are to love george w. bush and saddam hussein? the priest led us to the cross urging us to say, "Father, forgive them for hey know not what they do." he admitted that this action is not based on logic; it is based on a love that does not make sense, a scandalous grace.

and as i read, i kept asking myself, who does God want me to love like that? is there someone in my heart that i am withholding love from? is there a situation that i could heal from this type of scandalous grace. is there someone in my life that sees the image of the extremist and runs from God because of what is being done in His name, by something that doesn't demonstrate his true passion for love? i continued to read.

look into the eyes of the ones who are hardest for you to like, and see the One you love.

i stopped dead in my tracks and put the book down. i knew instantly what i was supposed to do at that exact moment. you see, as i had been reading this section on love, i had been trying to close myself off to something else that was happening in the coffee shop while i had been reading. a man had walked in. he was dirty. he approached the counter and bought himself a coffee. he made his way over to the cream and sugar station and prepared his coffee. he turned around and scanned the coffee shop. he did it slowly, and deliberately. and while he was doing this i tried to look busy. i buried my head in my book further. i also tried to take up a little more space at my table. i moved a few of d's toys around to fully occupy the table we were sitting at. i'm not proud of any of this. as i write it out for anyone to read, a flush fills my cheeks and i am embarrassed. here i was reading this section about love. i was fascinated by the author's quest for changing the face of christian love and showing people that Jesus was the ultimate example of loving well. and all the while, i was a hypocrite.

the man slowly made his way to my table and sat down right next to me. i could feel my body language shift to a closed position. i willed the man to not look me in the eye. the man didn't look homeless, but he smelled bad, was missing several teeth and was incredibly dirty.

and then i read those words, "look into the eyes of the ones who are hardest for you to like, and see the One you love."

i grumbled with God for a minute, tended to d and then turned toward the man and said hello. the hardness of the man shifted and his face lit up a bit. what took place next was the most beautiful experience that God could have given me in that moment. the man and i had a long conversation. he told me all about the two jobs that he works- a groundskeeper for the zoo and a backroom package handler for fed-ex. he told me about his two children and how proud he was of both of them. he had been estranged from one for a while, but she had reconnected with him after having her first child. he was a beautiful human being. d started to fuss a little bit and he told me how when his son was little, he would strap him into the baby seat on the back of his bike and ride him around the neighborhood before bed each evening. he said it did wonders for his wife because he would go off to his second job and his son would be tuckered out from the ride, causing the boy to sleep soundly for his former wife. as he shared all of this with me, i felt myself soften. i could see that this man was a really loving daddy and that he was a man of compassion. and through this man's eyes, i saw the One that i love.

i can see how God used those words in that book perfectly for his timing. and while i had originally thought that the conversation would somehow bless this man, what it truly did was bless me. this man was open and demonstrated this kind of scandalous grace to me.

trinity united church of christ

a friend of mine told me a story a few weeks ago, and it has stuck with me. it creeps into my mind unexpectedly and sits there.

my friend is camia. camia is this amazing, unassuming, open, talented woman. she carries many titles- poet, children's author, harvard graduate, and teacher. i had the pleasure of getting to know her through my work with KIPP (knowledge is power program). we basically lived and breathed that school together and through all that sweat and tears, i was gifted with really knowing her. not just the camia that she puts out there for people to know, but the real deal. you know, the depth that comes from being together way too much in those really difficult circumstances.

anyways, the story:
camia has kept in contact and relationship with many of our former students. to say that she is in contact with them is actually an understatement. she takes a huge risk, but remains involved in their lives intimately. they call her in the middle of the night when they experience crisis. they show her their report cards. they ask for advice in their friendships and relationships. and in all of these circumstances she hammers home the message to them that she cares about them, that she loves them, and that what they do with their lives matters.

we went out to dinner recently. i knew that she attended barak obama's church in the city and i wanted to get her opinion on the situation. i wanted to know more about the people that call that church home- i know her and know she is a friend of Jesus, and so i wanted to see the "scandal" through her eyes.

and while camia is deep, always. you can count on the fact that she will answer your questions in an unexpected way. sometimes, while she's getting right to the heart of your question, you sit back and wonder what question she's even answering. and then, boom! she hits you right between the eyes with some profound answer that took you down a very different road, but nails your question square on the head.

and so in this conversation, she told me this story. she went through a phase where she just wasn't getting her bones out of bed each sunday to make it to church. and then she started missing it. one saturday night she was on the phone with one of the KIPPsters. somehow, the girl (we'll call her s), said she wanted to go to church with camia. camia agreed to pick her up in the morning to take her to church. the next morning came, camia drug her bones out of bed and picked s up. the pair headed off to church. s liked it so much that she wanted to go back the next week. and now it is a routine. camia makes a drive by the dearborn housing development each sunday morning on her way to church. she picks up s and any of the other kids that want to join her. from what i understand, there are a few that go each week. s likes it so much so that she's dragging along her friends, and camia now has a new motivation for meeting with God every sunday morning.


a few weeks into this routine, camia and her little friends (all middle school/early high school age) are sitting in the sanctuary, worshiping Jesus. a lady taps s on the shoulder and gently points to a bug on her shoulder. s looks down and notices a giant cockroach climbing out of her collar. she takes care of the bug and then puts her head down in her hands and begins to weep. you see, this church experience is so much bigger than we thought for s. she was going each week, and in going, she was escaping from her world. she was away from the housing project, out of the poverty that is her life, turning from the chaos and being welcomed into the arms of camia and a congregation that accepted her. s thought they accepted her because they didn't know who she really was.


and in those moments, s learned that she will never truly escape from who she is, but that she is loved by camia, the woman who pointed out the bug, her friends and a Jesus who is bigger than any cockroach you could ever imagine.

and so in the retelling of this story, camia answered my question. rather than answering me in a political way and defending the left she gave me a very different answer. camia who is not much of a political activist, and very much a heart activist, tackled my question with the language she speaks best. she lives for the language of the heart. and in doing this, she showed me that this is simply a community of believers and that the clips shown in the media limit the heart of these people. and while we can't get into rev. wright's head and explain his provocative comments, the people that worship Jesus in the seats of wright's former church are just like the rest of us. maybe better. they get the concept of acceptance- even when you don't feel worthy, they embrace compassion. and evangelism, they hit this one right out of the park. just ask s.

oh- and the new song you here by nicole c. mullen, that's for s. i think of her everytime i hear it and smile because she really is a diamond.

alcatraz

my garden feels a little bit like alcatraz these days. the potential veggies have been secured behind a maximum security bunny fence. it grieved me to have to do this- as i said, i had faith in those darn bunnies. the digging out of the half eaten plants and the re-planting did not feel joyful. i cursed the bunnies as i worked because they were robbing me of my tidy garden. i cursed them more as i battled with the chicken wire in an effort to secure my little plot of land. my hands ended up getting scratched and cut. thankfully a kind neighbor saw my struggle and offered to hold the wire roll while i went to town with the staple gun. in the end, the security measures have paid off. i've had to let go of my need for a tidy and organized garden bed- those cucumber plants don't seem to want to cooperate and they are what i'm going for after all. all of this has made me feel a little less than thrilled with the gardening process... until...


just look at that baby! it is MY first cucumber! i grew it with my own little hands, some of God's sunshine and lots of beautiful rain. isn't she beautiful???
and a pea!
and more tomatoes than one family can eat!

when i was a little girl, my family didn't really have a vegetable garden. i'm not sure why, because my mom is a huge gardener, but she always stuck with flowers. however, i have memories of being the recipients of lots of tomatoes. i can remember specific families that would gift my mom with bags of their tomato bounty. and in our home, tomato bounty meant b.l.t.'s. i kid you not, we would eat bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches for dinner almost every night for the month of august. now one might guess that this was a culinary drag. you might be thinking that i am now sick of b.l.t.'s because i was forced to consume so many as a wee one, but no, your conclusion is inaccurate. i LOVED b.l.t. month! b.l.t. month meant a break from my mom's favorite dish, the beloved casserole. i hated casseroles and thus LOVED anything that offered me relief from the one pot wonder.

and so as i look at my daily increasing number of tomatoes, i see visions of beautiful glorious bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches in my very near future. my mouth waters a little bit just sitting here anticipating them.

giddy-up!

to celebrate the 4th, my family geared up and flew to austin to visit my sister heather. heather and her family have lived in canada for most of my adult life. our opportunities to connect have been few and way too far between. since she moved back to the states a year ago, we have seen each other several times. and while i know her (she is my sister, after all) i am just now really getting to KNOW her. i am the little sister. in my eyes, she has always been beautiful- a person that i followed around and longed for relationship with. but seeing her this weekend, getting a chance to know her family, to intimately glimpse into her life, was so special. she is married to a beautiful man and has three fabulous children. and for the first time, i felt like we were able to step outside of our family dynamic and just be friends.

while there, she shared a little treasure with me. i won't write about it, but would be very willing to share if you dare to ask:) i am ever so thankful for this gift and my marriage is reaping the benefits of it already.