rest

i've been resting... for 11 days. for those of you that know me, you know that i don't sit still very well for very long. i can relax for brief intervals, but then i find something to busy myself with. i get jittery. i need to DO something.

scott has had the most laborious summer of his career. he has worked long days and burned the midnight oil for many of nights. at the start of the summer, he saw this coming and wisely he suggested we go away for a last hurrah before our busy fall kicked into gear. i diligently scoured the internet for a cottage in michigan.

and so we headed to new buffalo, mi for 11 days. i didn't' intend for it to be so long, but that's how the cottage owners do it around here. i was a little nervous. 11 days? the first weekend here, i left scott at home to host his college buddies for a reunion weekend. it was wonderful. i came with my beautiful friend steph and her two sweet girls. kate is almost four and has been buds with e for the last 3 years. amanda is two weeks younger than d. it is rare to find a family that provides such perfect playmates for your little one, while also providing valuable adult connections. i adore kate and amanda. they are really amazing kids that you just fall in love with. for the 3 days they were here, i fell a little bit further in love with them and i realized how lucky i am to know them and to have them as friends for my own sweet girls. and steph, well she is an amazing woman, mother, and wife. i've learned a lot from my friendship with her. she always makes me think about things in a new way and helps me see the beauty of life with a different lens.

after they left, our friends jen and payton arrived. (do you remember my friend that bursts out in prayer and invites God into any conversation?) payton and e have been best friends since they were 5 months old. they also stayed for 3 days. it was wonderful to enjoy the sand, yummy ice cream, swinging, and e's first official slumber party with them. (e and kate tried, but they just didn't quite know how to fall asleep together. the third time was the charm. e and payton finally dozed off and made it half way through the night together.)

while jen and steph were here, i was having a blast. and because there was a change in guests, i had some things to keep myself busy. i had laundry and dishes, tidying up and preparing. but when jen pulled out of the drive i suddenly found myself feeling anxious. i began to wonder about things at home. were there any important massages awaiting me on my answering machine? urgent mail to tend to? is my garden thriving? did the neighbor remember to enjoy the ripe tomatoes? i felt a little bit isolated, cut off. i mean, i didn't even know who obama had chosen as his running mate! i hadn't really even turned on the tv and i certainly hadn't read the paper.
scott was coming later that night, so i spent my afternoon busying myself. again, i began to tidy and wash, cook and do pretty much anything to busy myself. i was having trouble being still.

scott arrived. and suddenly, i found myself still. i was enjoying the crickets more. i was content with the absence of a plan or a schedule and gave in to complete relaxation. and when my mind would wander to things at home, to our fall schedule that begins this week, to blog entries, to e's upcoming 4th birthday party, i found myself pushing it out rather than welcoming it into my mind.

and so here i am, at the end of vacation, finally surrendered to rest. and i suddenly have a new perspective on the sabbath. while i didn't abstain from using energy, cooking, lights, driving etc., i did do a whole lot of nothing. and while you're doing a whole lot of nothing, God suddenly becomes ushered into your thoughts in a refreshing new way. He becomes the center and everything else becomes secondary. i am not typically one that finds God in nature (i see Him just fine on a bustling city street, thank you), but suddenly, i found myself staring at the waves and thinking about Him. as i watched frogs, crickets, fire ants, daddy long legs, and spiders i marveled at how unique each part of creation is. as i indulged in oink's ice cream, i celebrated the taste buds purposefully placed on my tongue.

and thencomes the time to depart. and hopefully this rest has restored me. hopefully i will carry these new nature eyes into my busier version of life and hopefully, i'll find more reasons to be still.

"Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything." (Psalm 46:10 The Message Translation)

d and amanda

Kate and ellie (with stephanie and amanda in the back)

big sisters trying to contain little sisters.

one of the 11 sunny days on lake michigan.

d and her momma

a backyard appetizer picnic with payton and jen.

payton enjoying her oink's ice cream

(the buser family ate there almost every day! OINK, OINK!)

bff!

adios... we're off to the beach

it has been a long couple of weeks. we are heading to the beach in michigan for a couple of days of much needed r & r... momma with some friends and some kiddos for a few days and then just the four of us for a few more. i'll be home soon. enjoy your last few days before the fall schedule gets into full swing.

ultrasound cont'd

as i was going through today again, in my head, i remembered something funny that i should have shared. scott and i met in the lobby and took the elevators up to the first floor together. we got off the elevators and on one side there was a wall of suites with no real markings and on the other was a door with a GIGANTIC pink ribbon and the name of the breast center. my sweet hubby, in his nervous state was CONVINCED that we needed to go towards the unmarked suites. i laughed as i recalled it... ah, men:)

i also forgot to thank each one of you dear readers. so many of you have sent me emails or texted me with your support. i swear, i have the greatest friends that a girl could hope for. i thank my sweet Jesus for each of you every day. and for those readers that i am unaware of, well, i am certainly thankful for ya'll too!

love you!

the ultrasound

i had my ultrasound today. and with shouts of praise to my maker, i can report that the lump is made up of liquid. most likely milk, but possibly something else, equally as harmless.

it was a weird day, to say the least. i spent my morning praying and reading song of songs. then i picked up e from summer camp, went home to meet the sitter and headed to the appointment. scott met me there. we were both feeling a little bit nervous. it was that moment when you know your life could be about to change, but you also know that it might not... kind of like when you take a pregnancy test. anyways, they called me back and scott and i got up. as we headed through the door the nurse told scott he couldn't come. my heart sank. they had me change into a fancy purple shirt and then sat me in the second waiting room. i was sitting with three women. they were all over the age of 40 and they all looked equally as anxious. one by one, each of them were called. more women joined me in the waiting station, and one by one, each of them were called. i'm not kidding, i watched 14 different women go through that room while i just sat there. and as i sat there, i became more anxious. as i sat there i also started to think about something else. those 14 women, some of them have had cancer and were there to see if it was back. some of those women might be finding out for the first time today that their lump is malignant. and yes, some of them might be greeted with good news. it was odd. i started to pray for those women.

i'll never know the story that each of them possesses. i'll never know their journey or the outcome of their journey. but i do know that sitting in that room was not comfortable. and for many of them, that was just the tip of the iceberg.

after the 14th person came and went, a kind nurse asked me if i was the one waiting for an ultrasound. i suppose the others were having mammograms based on what i saw. they would go into a room with a technician and then she would walk out of the room and go to what looked like the printing room. she'd grab their film and place it up on the wall and study it. they'd then go back into the room with the patient.

suddenly i was called. she ran the ultrasound wand over my breast and tried to make small talk. the whole while i wanted to pray, but she kept asking me questions. after a few minutes she turned the screen to me and showed me that my lump was absolutely liquid. she can't be sure what kind, suspects milk, but was able to report with certainty that it is nothing to be worried about. praise God! i meet with the surgeon on friday to see what he wants to do. he may choose to drain it, or he may choose to just let it sit.

i went back to get dressed, met scott back in the first waiting room and headed out the door. it was odd. we both felt strange. we had been sort of gearing up for whatever was to come, so to hear i was fine felt strange. a good strange, don't get me wrong, but strange none-the-less.

when he got home from work we talked about it and both still felt the same way. we are thankful, but the joy that i would have imagined sweeping over me hasn't hit yet. i guess the best way i can describe it is going 90 miles an hour and then suddenly slowing down to 10. the emotion of it all was deeper than i thought it would be. and i can't seem to get those other women out of mind. i am rejoicing that i don't have to walk down a scary road, but i feel overwhelmed for those women that do. i've thought of each one of them, walking out into the world. some of them with changed lives, going through their day with the world around them remaining totally the same.

i'm not sure what to do with it all. i'm sure i'll have more to say later, but it is all very fresh. i can say that i will continue to pray for those 14 strangers. and while i am singing praise to my God for letting me walk out of there with wonderful news, my heart is heavy for those that didn't get the same diagnosis.

a little chat with Jesus, cont'd

hi all! i have never really had to do much thinking when it came to my previous postings, but today my mind is full of thought. i hesitate to write this entry for so many reasons. i committed to letting you peek into the window into my life several months ago, and since then, i have tried to let you see it all. i've attempted to share the good, the bad and the ugly; in spite of the vulnerable place that it puts me, the writer, in. you have been gracious and for that i thank you.

last week i shared a cryptic chat that i had with my Father. today, i would like to explain the details.

a week ago today i had an appointment with my mid-wife. i wanted her to check my thyroid because i was feeling a bit out of whack. at the appointment she decided that i needed a full exam. i was a little annoyed because i had waited in the waiting room for longer than i would have liked and delaney was becoming less than thrilled with her stroller. but who am i to argue with my doctor? so we went forward with the exam.

as she checked my breasts, she discovered a sizable lump. for the past week, she had me treat it as if it were a breastfeeding related infection, to rule out that possibility. today, i went back for a follow-up appointment, hoping that the lump had decreased in size. a decrease in size would indicate that it was just a "caked duct" and not worth pursuing further. unfortunately, the size was the same as last week. she ordered an ultra-sound and an appointment with a surgeon to get to the bottom of things.

i didn't want to write about any of this, but felt like God really wanted me to share my walk with you. it is most likely nothing. and yet, it feels a little daunting. regardless of one's diagnosis, it effects you. i feel very confident that God is in this journey with me. i trust him completely and know that nothing is bigger than He is. and while my tendency in dealing with medical situations is to assume the worst, today i stand confident that my Father is with me.

i contemplated fear today and questioned myself. tasha, are you afraid? the answer is a mighty no. it is a no for so many reasons. first, i have no diagnosis at this point. my appointments next week could easily reveal that there is no cause for concern. secondly, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the God that i worship is bigger than any diagnosis. He does not cause bad things to happen to us and He loves me so much that He will walk me through any challenge i face.

and so i write about it this today because i do not value secret keeping. it limits God. by choosing to keep things under wraps until i have an answer suggests that i can protect you, me and God from wherever this journey goes. i learned this valuable lesson from my friend kristie and am so thankful to her for her teaching it to me. my God wants me to walk through life and for me to let you in. and so that is where i am today. will you walk with me? you've walked with me through so much so far- my growing girls, my relationship with my Father, my struggles with my somewhat new suburban life, and even my wee little garden. will you walk with me through this, too? will you understand my need for full disclosure? will you pray? and while you're at it, will you do a self-breast exam? you'd think i would have found this myself since they are the feeding device for d, but these things are easy to miss if you aren't intentionally looking.

and please, don't worry about me. God has that part covered. you and i, well, we don't have reason for worry in our life. it's easy to let anxiety take root, but it isn't very productive. i'm not worried, as i said, i just value total honesty with the people that fill my life.

oh, and the reason my midwife wanted to do the exam was because prior to my pregnancy with d, i was showing pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. she was uneasy because we had never followed up. the tests are not very conclusive when you are pregnant. the results were back today, showing a healthy cervix. (i know, this all feels like too much information:)

one hit wonder, part II

and tonight, we had this:
grilled pesto pizza with tomatoes and fresh mozzarella. deee-lish!
and d had this... apparently her eye hand coordination and pincher skills are not quite as honed her momma thought they were.

and while i was making that tasty dinner above, e did this:

one hit wonder

at the risk of ruining my readership and turning my blog into the "diary of an 8 x 12 gardener", i am going to talk about my garden again:) i know, i know, i'm bobby mcferrin (one hit wonder from the 89's) these days. but i had a bad day today. my girls, both of them, were not on their best behavior. they weren't even on their kinda ok behavior. daddy has had to work really late for the past two nights and the girls and i, well, let's just say we were ready to call it a day. after tucking their pretty little heads into their pretty little beds, i had this to look forward to.

my first b.l.t. of the season with the most scrumptious tomatoes from my garden, toasted challah bread, locally grown organic lettuce and local hormone/antibiotic free bacon. heavenly!
oh, and this is what i harvested yesterday. not bad for a days work!

pga update

to sumarize our weekend: much ado about nothing:) i made it through the gates without incident. we met some friends at the golf tournament and had a lovely day, in spite of the rain in the afternoon. we walked a few holes, sat in the stands at hole 12, watched some of our favorites on hole 1 and got a little bit wet.

the volunteers at the first aid station were quite comical. apparently there weren't any "real" medical emergencies on saturday, so this pumping momma had quite the pumping station. when i arrived to pump, a few of the male volunteers were a wee bit shocked and slightly uncomfortable at this mommas need for "first aid". overall, mission accomplished.

one of the friends we went to the tournament with is known to have a wild side. he and some other unnamed michigan graduates have an innocent history with dropping their pants at holiday parties, weddings etc. they have never given the full monty (thankfully), but have been known to show off their boxers on occasion. the joke of the day was that he would drop his pants and streak across a green wearing only his boxers and (drum roll please) my breast pump. thankfully, the rains came before that happened:)

memory map

my hubby is a huge fan of maps. he sold his car last week, and as he was about to hand over the keys, he found one of his coveted maps in the glove compartment. it was a map of chicago. he laid it out on the floor and started showing things to e. e, who loves anything that daddy loves, was engrossed completely. i walked in and found them all together, huddled over the map, taking it all in.



suddenly, e shouted, "look momma, it's buckingham fountain!" up until a few months ago, when i discovered a shortcut on lower wacker, we would pass buckingham fountain on our way into the city. i would point it out to her each time and ask her what it was. sometimes she'd remember, sometimes she'd forget. but today, as she saw it on the cover of the map, she recognized it, she knew its name and she was thrilled with her smarty pants self:) and so was her momma.

they continued looking at the map for a few minutes. i started to walk out of the room and as i left, i heard scott point something out to e.

s: look ellie, here's a note i wrote to your mom.

this piqued my curiosity, so i went back into the family room. and there in the middle of lake michigan was a note. it made my heart smile. right away, i remembered receiving the note on the map. it was during the summer between his second and third year of law school. scott lived in chicago while i was still in atlanta. i came to visit him quite frequently and on the days he had to work, i would tour the city. it was kind of like my courtship with chicago. if you know chicago, you know that it is the summer here that makes it worth it. there is something magical in the air during the months of june, july and august. the rest of the year, well, not so much. but those three beautiful months carry you through year after year.

and during that summer, i came to know that chicago would eventually be my home. and i came to know that the man God had for me, scott, was worth september through may.

and so he left me a love note on a map, with directions to my tourist destinations for the day. he signed it scooter, the name i've called him since we fell in love. to think, this little piece of history almost drove off in our old glove box! i'm so glad that he rescued it and i'm so glad for the memories of love and adoration that flooded into my heart. God picked a good man for me. scooter, i love you!

a little chat with Jesus

so i had a little situation today. and while i'm not ready to share the details yet, i want to share a little conversation that i had with my Father.

i went to my car and i sat there for a few quiet moments, before heading to pick up e from summer camp.

m: (whispering) Father, i'm a little scared.

G: i know. do you trust me?

m: yes, i trust you.

G: do you know i love you?

m: yes, Father, i know you love me.

G: will you walk with me? will you let me carry you? through anything?

m: i will, Father.

and so that is where i am today. there are a lot more details to this conversation, but i felt that God wanted me to share it... today... before i know where this journey will take me.

lactavist, cont'd

so i was just reflecting on my day and thinking through the whole pga debacle, hopefully solved and something very important came into my mind.

do you have friends that break into prayer mid conversation with you? i do:) i am blessed with an amazing friend, jen, who is a crazy prayer warrior. she's amazing. her life is one constant conversation with God about pretty much everything. and that's just the way my Abba wants it. she's a good example for me and often (probably without even knowing it) reminds me of what my relationship with The Father should look like. (i'm a work in progress.)

anyways, midway through today, she called me to catch up. i gave her the low down on my crazy battle with the pga. now mind you, this was before the channel 4 news call, before i knew what step was to be taken next. do you know what she did? she just broke out in prayer. that's right! she lifted it up to God. now i'd been prayin' alright, but it was more about keeping control, showing love, and not letting 'em have it. her prayer- well it was about getting a "yes". she even thanked our God for caring about little things like a nice day at the pga with my hubby.

as i was reflecting on my (???) accomplishment, i realized that it wasn't mine at all. it is totally His! He made the "no" turn into a "yes". He cares about ME that much! wow! He cares about me THAT MUCH!

do you know that? do you feel that God cares about the details in your life in such a special way- even when it doesn't really seem to matter in the grand scheme of The Kingdom? well, He does. He loves you and He is totally in the details. thanks Jen, for praying for me and for reminding me that my Father wants me to talk to Him always, about everything. and when we do, well, do you know who gets the glory? not this little lactavist, but Him!

1 Peter 5:7 cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

lactavist in the making

so today's entry is a little bit different than my usual postings, but relevant to this suburban momma. on saturday i am scheduled to attend the PGA championship in michigan. i bought these tickets for my hubby for valentine's day. we arranged childcare with scott's mom and have been looking forward to it for months.

last week, we started thinking through the logistics. at this time, it dawned on me that over the course of the day, i will need to pump several times. no problem, thought i, i'll just bring my handy pump with a battery pack. another option, i'll plug my handy pump into my car lighter. a few quick trips to the car throughout the day and i'd be good to go. my hubby, being the detail oriented man that he can be, decided to look at the PGA policy page to make sure one of these options would work. well, neither does. there is a no re admittance policy and a no electronic device policy. we were left scratching our heads. could it be possible that i just can't go????

scott took matters into his own hands and emailed the contact people for the tournament. he was kind, he was concise spelling out the issue and he even proposed some really easy solutions. after a few days passed, we heard back. the official standpoint from the PGA was "sorry charlie". you can come, you can't leave and return after pumping in your car, and oh, by the way, please don't bring your pump because it isn't allowed. again, hmmm???

i have never been an activist for anything. i have never participated in a sit-in or a march, i've never written a letter on behalf of a policy i disagreed with, but this just didn't sit right in my little mind. it stirred something in me. i called detroit chanel 4 news. they were very interested. they wanted to do an interview right away. before agreeing to this, i decided to give the PGA one last chance to make it right.

a quick call to headquarters, an explanation of my situation, an explanation of possible solutions and a quick (but very kind) mention of chanel 4 news, and voila. the head of the tournament called me back immediately and said that there would be no problem. she apologized for her earlier "NO" and said that they would be happy to accommodate my need. she reassured me that the gate attendant would admit me and that i can leave my pump at the first-aid station. when necessary, i can report to my pump, pump away and then go on about my day at my leisure.

will that prove to be the case, i don't know. it's too soon to tell. but i am hopeful. i never raised my voice, i was calm and polite throughout, and i prayed a lot (because i really did want to yell and pound my fists).

it all made me think. are we so rigid and focused on our task at hand to see past humanity? is it possible that we don't see the needs of those around us because we are so busy with everything else? people are unique. so are their situations. are we willing to "bend the rules" to be kind, fair and inclusive?

chanel 4 is holding out hope that the PGA denies me access. they were a little bummed when they found out i didn't need their camera crew after all. i've been told that i should call them immediately if i am denied admittance on the day of. but as for me, i'm glad to see that the PGA decided to make it right. i hope they stick to their end of the bargain. but if not, this lactavist is not going to take it lying down:) i'll keep you posted.

the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

last night was a rough one. at about 9:00 d woke up, having just been asleep for an hour. she was a mess. the poor little girlie had watery eyes, a runny nose and a fever. she is typically not one to cry much, but last night, cry she did. she was so sad. we were up together for most of the night. in between nose wipes, she would rest in my arms, but never really reached a deep sleep.

on top of this, e woke up in the middle of the night after having a terrible dream about her room being filled with bugs. if you know e, this is the worst nightmare she could imagine. she is not of fan of bugs!

finally, at about 3ish, things started to settle down. d was able to sleep for about 2 1/2 hours before waking up again. it was a rough night.

on top of all of this, scott has been struggling with a cold/sinus infection for the past few days. to add insult to injury, we were expecting painters at 8am in the morning. this is the current state of our living room.

thankfully, i am married to a very good man! he announced at 6 that he was not going in to work. he stayed home today and helped me juggle the painters, a sick baby girl, and an active 3 1/2 year old. i was even able to get a wonderful nap that helped me catch up on the sleep i didn't get last night.

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. if not, i'm moving to australia!

*the reading teacher in me couldn't resist the reference to one of my favorite children's books by judith viorst. the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day is a book about a little boy having a rough day. his solution is to move to australia:) if you haven't read it, check it out at the library and read it to a little one in your life. they'll like it.

the woods

my mom is really interested in what she calls "visual history". basically, what she is referring to are the artifacts that we have that evoke a memory from something in our past. she likes to collect pieces of visual history that remind her of her life before her mother passed away. i think that is the root of her love for antiques. she really enjoys perusing an antique store and finding something that she remembers her mother having in their house when she was a little girl. her mother died when she was rather young and these items help to transport her mind back to that time. it helps keep the memory of her mother alive and vibrant.

interestingly, my dad's mom also has a thing for visual history. as she has downsizes from the home she lived in with my grandfather, to the apartment that she now resides in, she has made a point to share her trinkets with children and grandchildren. each little thing that she has given me is special. when i look at them in my home, they transport me back to my childhood. i can remember where they were located in her home and am often flooded with the happy memories that i have from trips to her home. they always make me remember my special relationships with my grandfather, cousins and her.

today, scott and i took the girls on a walk through a bike path in the woods. we have never done this before. mostly because i am highly allergic to poison ivy and i have the tendency to catch it if it is in a ten mile radius. as an adult, i don't really spend much time out and about enjoying nature unless it involves a beach. sad, but true. as a little girl, however, i grew up in the woods.

at the end of our street was a huge field and just beyond that was a glorious playground, the woods. the kids in my neighborhood spent most of our summers building forts, picking berries, playing hide and go seek all deep in the woods. we would head out in the morning, often packing a lunch, and return at dinnertime.

as we walked along the bike path, my eyes were transported back in time. each flower that i saw, the thistle, the stream, the smell of the trees... all of it carried me back to my childhood. the visual history that pored out from this walk surprised me. i didn't realize how much i missed the woods and i had sort of tucked those memories back into a forgotten corner of my mind. as we walked i told stories to e about my childhood and shared a little bit of my past with her. it was a special time.

her highlight was climbing down a little slope and looking for fish in the creek. she was fearful at first, but then got her nature groove on and became a pro at climbing the embankment. these daddy/daughter moments are ones that i will add to the visual history of the woods. they are priceless.

sisterhood

i have three sisters. my relationships with each of them are so important to me. i can't imagine my life without them.

i can remember as a young girl, the first time that i felt the unbreakable bond of sisterhood. it was back when my parents had just divorced. we had just returned from a hard weekend with my dad. i can't really remember the details of the weekend, and it wasn't anything my father did, it was just part of getting through the newness of it all. we were raw and experiencing the pain of such a traumatic change in our lives. i can remember the three of us laying on my sister heather's bed and crying together. my mom tried to comfort us, but there wasn't much she could do. it was my sisters that i needed. and somehow, through the pain, we met one another's need. it was the sisterhood, the even playing field of three girls going through the same trauma together, that brought us out from under the cloud of that day.

as we began to get older, our bond of sisterhood was somehow severed in a way. we were each walking through life, experiencing our worlds separately instead of clinging to one another for support. it was divisive for us. and while we were always sisters, our hearts for one another changed.

after i graduated from college, through some very unusual circumstances, i went to live with my sister stacy. and in the year that i lived with her, we found our bond once again. during that year, we spent a lot of time talking together, usually over a game of cards. in spite of the years and the life stage (she was married with a baby, i was a fresh wandering college graduate searching for my future), we built a bridge. the friendship that emerged from that year together carries me even to this day. in the past few years, we have only grown stronger. don't get me wrong, it still has its sisterly ups and downs, but it is an unbreakable tie that binds us.

it was more difficult to repair the damage that occurred with my oldest sister, heather. because we had seven years separating us and because we lived so far away, the chasm was that much harder to cross. i think that the repair began for us when we had babies at the same time. it was unusual, because i had thought she was done having children even before i married. i never expected us to go through that journey together. but we did. and through the birth of our babes (will and ellie), we began to heal. it wasn't until recently, that i felt like our relationship had come full circle, though. over the past year we have talked weekly, seen each other more, and really gotten to know one another as adults, leaving our childhood identities and family roles mostly behind. it feels good to know her in this way.

and then there is my little sister. we still aren't quite there yet. she is so much younger than i am and we see each other so infrequently, that it is challenging to build that adult bond. but i am hopeful. she's in her last year of college, and my desire is for us to also establish a friendship that goes beyond our family dynamic. we are making little strides on that front, but i know the future holds good things for us.

why am i bringing all of this up? why is it fresh on this momma's mind? well, i'll tell you.

it is because i see the sisterhood forming. i see the way that d looks to her big sister e, expectant, hopeful, desiring acceptance, longing for relationship. and i see the way ellie girl gives it to her, freely without hesitation. she loved to make her little sister laugh, she celebrates d's accomplishments and she misses her when they aren't together.

it is sweet and lovely to watch it unfold. and while i know that there will be bumps in the road, i hope that they can be close always. i hope that life doesn't find a way to creep into their relationship and separate them. i long for them to know the amazing feeling of sisterhood- of closeness that is like no other. i long for them to cling to one anther as they walk through life and to call one friend.


*the photo above was taken a while back. we were teasing e one night at bedtime saying that d was going to sleep with her since she was so good at caring for her little sister. we told her that we thought she might do a better job in the wee small hours than momma or daddy could:)

today's bounty

the babes and i went for an afternoon walk aound the block. (scott has a work event tonight and truth be told, i was killing time.) i digress. e decided that she wanted to ride her scooter. if you have seen the current version of the adventures of tiger and pooh, you will be able to relate. she pretends to be darby and that she is on a super sleuth adventure.

e: anytime, anyplace, the super sleuths are on the case

she then spent the duration of our walk looking for clues. i asked her what the mystery was that she was solving. she didn't seem to know. apparently that is not a prerequisite for super sleuths. she was pretty cute. she was scootering all over the sidewalk. laughing and pointing out the things that she saw along the way. we made it halfway around the block and she decided that she wanted to take a shortcut down the alley. clue gathering seems to tire a girl out.

we headed down the alley and arrived at our garden. ellie began to hunt for veggies. the picture above shows what she found. i had thought that we were done super sleuthing, but after picking our veggies, e turned to me and said:

this mystery is history!

times they are a changin'

a lot has been happening on the kiddo front around here. i've been trying to get some good pics to upload, but just haven't been able to capture the essence of ellie. she has been funny in front of the camera lately... i'll work on it.

anyways, in the past two weeks my 'lil ladybug has made some huge strides. she is now pull-up free, leaving me with just one babe in diapers! it has been amazing. forgive my story, i know in the grand scheme of things, we all end up sleeping through the night without pull-ups, but to this momma it is something to celebrate.

two weeks ago, a certain momma to go unnamed, didn't realize that we were out of pull-ups. bedtime arrived and we were without a plan. scott, being the world's #3 dad that he is (#1 in my book, baby), suggested that we do the big girl pants thing. unnamed mom above was less excited about that plan and wanted to jump in the car and head to whole foods. anyways, ellie jumped on the big girl pants idea and said she was ready. unnamed mom, more of a skeptic, prepared for the worst and geared up for lots of midnight sheet changing. daddy #3 and big girl e, thankfully, were triumphant. e has gone for two weeks without any accident and without any desire to go back to her pull-ups! hooray! i'm so proud of her!

bug #2 has also been making some big strides. in the same time span, she has gone from not being able to sit up unsupported, to crawling all over town. well, less of a crawl and more of a slither, but moving none-the-less. she has successfully located all of the ac vents on the first floor and spends a good deal of her time, deep in conversation with them. she has also started some babble that contains her first consonant sounds... babababa, and occasionally, mamama. i have decided that the mamama portion, is not in fact babble, but is her first word:)

the chicago athletic association

on sunday, when e and i went to the concert, i walked past the chicago athletic association. this is where scott and i were married. obviously, it is filled with memories of a very significant day in my life. i think back to it now, almost 6 years later, and realize that i could never have fathomed the beauty that would spill out from our life together. he is an amazing man. i certainly knew that then, but as time passes, i see him with fresh eyes. my life is so much richer than i could have imagined on that october day. and while my heart was filled with hope for the life we would have together, seeing it unfold has been such an over-the-top experience.

walking by that building was bittersweet. it has now closed and the future of what it is to become is uncertain. there has been speculation about what will be done with it, but no final decision has been made.

when i think back to my wedding day, the one thing that stands out the most is my mother. i can remember sitting with scott eating our dinner and catching a glimpse of my mom out of the corner of my eye. i watched her for a few minutes and was amazed at what i saw. she was circling the room, greeting each table. and while i couldn't hear what she was saying, i could see a radiant glow on her face. she was beaming. to read this might not sound amazing at all. that's what the mother of the bride is supposed to do, right? she is typically beaming and playing the good hostess roll. but for me, it was different. you see, my mom doesn't beam that often. her life has been hard and she usually carries an expression of focus. she has to be that way.

when i was born, my mom suffered from a severe brain aneurysm. she was hospitalized for six months and there was little hope that she would walk again. being the determined woman that she is, she defied those odds and walked. first, with the help of a full leg brace and now with just the help of a cane. her perseverance has always been amazing. but it has led to a lot less beaming and glowing as she mothered her three girls.

while i watched her i wondered about the glow. where did it come from on this day? this was a day that could have been difficult for her. you see, the room was filled with people from both sides of my family. my parents divorced when i was a toddler. being at a wedding with her ex-husband and his entire family doesn't always make for a day of "glowing". and yet she did.

i asked her about it after the wedding and she unfolded a beautiful story for me. my mom shared with me that she had spent her entire period of motherhood praying that her girls would marry men that called Jesus their friend. this day, marked for her, an answer to that prayer. and while the story could have turned out differently (my sisters and i didn't always gravitate to that kind of man), it didn't. she was spilling over with joy because all three of her "sons" had made a decision to walk their lives with God at their side. this day, for her, was about a God that cared for her deeply and had made good on His promise to her.

melt down

e and i went to a concert on sunday afternoon. it was one of our first solo mommy-daughter outings since d was born. the concert was justin roberts- he is a witty children's musician. his topics and tempo are all about his little listeners. but his lyrics, oh, i swear those are just for us grown-ups. this guy gets it. he knows that kids LOVE the music. they make you listen to their songs over and over and over again. because he knows we are subjected to the endless repetition of our kiddos favorite tunes, he throws in a little bit for us big kids, too. i must admit, i think i had a better time at the concert than e did.

here are the lyrics to my favorite song by justin roberts. i can relate to this song on so many levels. i laugh almost every time that i hear it:) enjoy.

MELTDOWN

Brother and me were in the living room
Busy coloring chairs that we lay on
No signs of gloom, a quiet affair
That is until I borrowed his crayon
I cannot lie it’s the one he loves the best and
I don’t know why I put him to the test
But I had no idea he’d get this distressed
Now he’s having a meltdown
Didn’t know that he felt down
A m-m-m-m-m meltdown
Then Mom walked in and stared at us in awe
Couldn’t quite understand what the deal was
Or what she saw, I took my brother’s hand
Gave him his crayon and said sorry cause
I was aware that we were in a bind
Mom’s antique chairs were covered in colored lines
And I guess she not a fan of those rainbow designs
Now she’s having a meltdown
Didn’t know that she felt down
A m-m-m-m-m meltdown
She’s having an M-E-L-T-D-O-W-N
D-O-W-N down.

all songs © Justin Roberts, 2006. all rights reserved. www.justinrobertsmusic.com
C

the harvest

yep! i grew that cucumber. it was delicious. i think the coolest part of my garden is going out to check on it every day with ellie. we walk out there and try to find the most recent additions. she loves gently turning back the leaves in search of a bloom turning into a baby "pickle". she gets so excited!

"momma, a pickle right there. see? under this leaf!"

last week, when we discovered a full grown cucumber, she was thrilled to pick it. she wanted to eat it right away, but i thought it best to save it for dinner. daddy is a fan of the garden and he might have been sad to miss out on our cucumber. i also must admit that my lack of faith in my gardening skills, rodents, etc. have me thinking (in spite of my thousands of blooms) that this might be the only veggie our little garden produces.

and so for dinner, we all ate some of our first cucumber. it was the best cucumber that i have ever had!