a little chat with jesus, revisited again

back in august, i had a little health scare. at the start of the situation, this conversation took place between me and my Father (you may remember it from an earlier posting):

m: (whispering) Father, i'm a little scared.

G: i know. do you trust me?

m: yes, i trust you.

G: do you know i love you?

m: yes, Father, i know you love me.

G: will you walk with me? will you let me carry you? through anything?

m: i will, Father.

it has been in the back of my mind ever since. i've had a lot of questions about that situation and have been curious why God walked me through that experience, giving me such a sense of peace that i was being held, and then not taking me down the dark path where i thought i was headed. i mean, at that moment, i was more trusting and dependant on Him than i have been in a long while. the why of it all has troubled me for the past few months.

at the end of august, we went to the beach in michigan. one night, after the girlies were tucked in bed, scott and i sat out by the fire with a bottle of wine. we chatted a little bit about this and a little bit about that... and then he brought up something big. a partner in his office had offered him a job opportunity in california. this wasn't the first time that it had been offered to him, but for some reason, it was the first time we felt our hearts stir. we prayed about it that night and we both felt like this was something that God wanted us to consider. and so at that moment, we committed to praying about it and letting our hearts seek God's will in this area. but as i began to walk the path of possibility i never once remembered the conversation with my Father.

in september, a deep sadness started sweeping into my life. i began to battle with depression and frustration in my current role. it was a really difficult month for me and i constantly felt like i was loosing the battle. sadness overcame me and i began to let myself drift from God. as i began to walk down that path, i never once remembered the conversation with my Father.

in november, i received a call from my sister that turned my life on its head. my momma lay in a hospital bed, stricken by an automobile, bleeding and badly injured. it seemed almost certain, with the little information that we knew, that my mom would not make it through the night. the next morning, with my sister at her side, we learned that she was living against the odds. and as i began to walk this path, i never remembered that august conversation with my Father.

the weekend following my mom's accident, i began to feel slightly ill. suddenly i did the math, took a test and realized we were expecting a baby. this new little life, which is certainly a blessing, just came as a little surprise. with d being under a year, i began to feel a little overwhelmed by the situation and my mind flooded with questions. how in the world was i going to handle two babies under the age of two? the verse about God only giving us what we can handle came to mind, but still the journey seemed daunting. and never once, did i remember that conversation with my Father back in august.

the next week i went to be with my momma for the first time. as she lay in that icu bed, sleeping a fair amount, i spent a lot of time praying. i spent a lot of time trying to sort all of it out and trying to imagine what the future held. what would my role in all of this be? how would my sisters and i manage her care in the hospital in richmond where none of us lived? would she ever have full mental capacity? would she be able to walk and talk again? and as these thoughts ran wild in my mind, i knew it was too much for me to bear on my own.

scott and i were supposed to have given an answer concerning the job offer sometime in december, but given the circumstances, they were very understanding and patient. around the
end of the year, scott and i felt like we owed it to them to give them an answer. the problem was that we didn't have an answer. we had been so consumed with my mom and the news of this new baby on the way, that we hadn't really been able to think it through. truth be told, i had already dismissed it the minute my momma was hit by the car. i just couldn't fathom going farther from her at this fragile time in her life. but as we prayed, as i stood before God with all this stuff on my heart and this huge decision pressing in, a new clarity took over. i suddenly became transported back into the moment, sitting in the front seat of my car outside the doctors office in august, overcome with peace reassuring me that God loves me so much. i felt certain that he would carry me through anything. He simply longed for me to trust Him.

and so today, as a "for sale" sign was pounded into the front lawn of the house i love, i stand in that faith. my journey towards walking in His shadow has been long. i can only imagine how many times my Father sat back and asked, "when is this girl going to get it?". and yet he patiently waited for me, he gave me opportunity after opportunity to see that nothing is bigger than His plan and that with Him as the pilot, i am truly safe.

and i should probably say, i have no idea if God plans on taking us to california. all i know is that He wants me to spend my life trusting Him and willing to take risks for His will to be done. i'm a little slow on this, but let's just call me a work in progress.

*these are pictures of my sweet little e on moving day and at the closing of our condo sale/home purchase. it is hard to remember how little she was then and amazing to look and see how much she has grown.