the rest of the story

the other day i wrote a facebook status update about this really yummy dinner that i was making. lots of comments were made in response to the update. some of them indicating that i've got it all together. there are a couple funny things that went through my mind as i read them:


1- when i made the post i never even stopped to consider how it would make someone else feel. i didn't consider that for someone who doesn't like to cook it might make them feel inadequate. i never thought about how someone who was pressed for time might feel envious of my "free time". i simply made the post. i put it out there, letting anyone of my "friends" read my update and draw any conclusion that they might. life is like this a lot. people see just one tiny part of a very large whole.


2-as i read the comments i also thought about "the rest of the story". the post indicated that i was making this super fab dinner. from reading it you could possibly conclude that "she's got it all together". but what really happened paints an entirely different picture.

stick with me here.

on tuesday morning i meant to pull some chicken breasts out of the freezer for the dinner i had planned. i remembered that i had forgotten to do this at 3 in the afternoon when i went to prepare our dinner (apple and bacon stuffed chicken breasts in gorgonzola cream sauce, if you must know). i felt a little bit defeated because i knew in that moment that there was no way to defrost and stuff the chicken if the chicken was still frozen. i pulled the chicken out of the freezer and resolved to make that for dinner on wednesday. and then i got down to the business of figuring out what we would have for dinner on THAT day. (i don't remember what we had, but i can guarantee that it was something simple, basic and pretty lame.)

on wednesday at around 3 i went to the refrigerator with a happy smile. i knew that TODAY the chicken was happily waiting for me to stuff- defrosted thank you very much. i got a little glimmer in my eye because i knew dinner was going to be great. each kid was contained and focused on a task and i could safely direct my attention towards getting the chicken stuffed well before the dinner hour. i got down to business. i chopped, i sauteed, i stirred, i stuffed. and it looked good. it smelled delish. when i finished the stuffing process i made a facebook status update about my accomplishment in anticipation of the dinner i was looking forward to.


and then i went on about my afternoon with the girls.


at about 5:15 i looked over the rest of the recipe to see what steps remained. i began to gather up the ingredients for the sauce and at that moment realized that my cream had passed its expiration date. trying to salvage my dinner, i made a quick call to my sister to see what substitutions can be made for heavy cream. unlucky for me, i didn't have those either. and so at 5:30 i decided i was going to have to load up the car for a quick run to the grocery. ugh. three kids, car seats, parking lots, carts with three kids... suddenly my dinner felt less exciting. but off to the store i went in an effort to salvage our dinner. if i got in and out of the grocery in under 30 minutes (door to door) i could still pull off a yummy dinner. difficult task- but not impossible.


i literally walked in the door with three minutes to spare. i hustled the kids in the door, put my head down and got to work. and as i got to work i realized that i had forgotten an entire step in the recipe. i did a quick evaluation and realized that there was no way this dinner was going to make it onto the plate in time. and so with a sad heart i abandoned the chicken, yet again, and moved on to something easier.


thursday came, and while ellie was at school and delaney was napping, i attempted to complete the missing step. i accomplished this- if you can call preparing chicken with a screaming baby in the background an accomplishment. at the proper time i placed the dinner into the oven, perfectly timed so that when scott walked in the door it would be ready to plate. and that all would have been fine had the chicken cooked in the time the recipe had said it would. but it didn't. and so 45 minutes after scott walked in the door, dinner was on the table. e and d were starving and misbehaving by this point and p was screaming her head off. scott and i tag teamed and ate one at a time. and while the dinner was tasty, it was a few days late and not at all enjoyable.


and so there you have it, the rest of the story. it doesn't leave you feeling incompetent or less domestic. it doesn't leave you feeling like a poor manager of time. it doesn't make you feel like less of a mom for putting hamburger helper in front of your babes five nights a week--- or whatever it is you might do at your house. and if you manage to pull off fancy gourmet dishes on a regular basis, it might even leave you feeling a twinge of pride, or accomplishment... or whatever it is that it does in your heart.


i guess the conclusion is that each day, we go about our business and we drop bombs. they might be in a facebook status update, a comment at the park, through our appearances, through our possessions. and these bombs might be harmless, not ill intentioned in any way. but none-the-less they might be bombs to someone. see, we find so much of our worth in what others do. we can make lists of ways in which so and so is better at such and such. we can let our heart be imprinted because our dishes are piled up in the sink and we are sure that the momma next door has hers neatly in the dishwasher... or better yet, washed and back in the cabinet. we can get down because our purse or our mom jeans haven't been updated in three seasons and every time we run into that momma at the park she is stylish and hip in the latest fashions. sometimes people do this to us, on purpose. but most often, i find, we do this to ourselves.


the root of the problem is this. we are our own worst critic. we can extend grace to others but have no idea what it looks like to extend it to ourselves. we receive messages all day long, and let them rewrite the script of our worth. and we define our worth through things that don't really matter.


for me, i know (but often have trouble remembering) that my worth lies in the redeemed child of God that i am. on my own, i am worth nothing... no matter how many apple and bacon stuffed chicken breasts in gorgonzola cream sauce that i can place on the table in front of family and friends. my worth lies solely in the hands of my friend and father, God. because of Him, and the sacrifice He made, i can rest in the fact that on the other side i'll be worth something.

and while i'm here on this side of heaven, my job is to be His hands and His feet in this world. i can't own the interpretations that people make from watching my life but i can set the record straight when the interpretation might be askew. and by doing so, sure, i reveal my own imperfections. by throwing a brick at my own crystal palace, i let people see that i am just me. practically imperfect in every way. and by doing so, i give permission for those around me to do the same. and what's to gain from this? lots! we can walk forward, hand in hand embracing our imperfections. maybe we can even laugh at them together. and together, we can encourage one another. maybe, rather than feeling less than, we can walk away feeling normal.

and maybe, just maybe, we can help point one another in the direction of the One who owns our worth and brings real meaning into our lives.

beautiful bounty

while living in chicago, our family has been members of a csa (community supported agriculture). every other week during the growing season, i would get a box of locally grown organic goodness. it was pure delight for this suburban, mid-western momma. i loved opening my box each week and discovering its contents. i loved the culinary challenge that it presented in finding quality recipes that my family would enjoy. i loved knowing that my family was enjoying these dishes sans pesticides. i know, i'm a little weird getting my kicks from methods of toxin avoidance. you can say it. i can handle it.

and so as we planned our move to calli, i day dreamed about getting similar food items at my local grocer. i anticipated grocery shopping with a new level of enthusiasm (truth be told, i have always liked grocery shopping). the week we were living in our hotel suite, i made my first grocery store run. i was disappointed. the organic section was smaller than the one in my local jewel store in chicago. it was not only smaller, but its contents were less than fresh. i chalked it up to not knowing where to go. i was certain that i had just hit a bad store. every area has them, and i must have stumbled upon pleasanton's. i was sad, but still had hope. but two weeks into our new town, i had tried 5 different stores and each one left me with the same sad selection. it was more than just disappointing. it was depressing. how could it be possible that i had moved to the land of organic milk and honey and not be able to get in on any of the action?

not being one that likes the feeling of defeat, i decided to peruse the internet. ah-ha... milk and honey found! what i discovered promises to wet my culinary appetite and challenge my inner chef... my inner foodie, if you will.

starting this week, and every other week for as long as i like, our family will be receiving a delivery from "farm fresh to you". ffty, as they are called, is a nearby farm that delivers their bounty to all who seek it. it is easy, and inexpensive, and organic, and local, and fresh, and brought to my front door every other week...


and quite beautiful! and now, momma is happy again! the end.

life lessons from an artichoke

i grew up eating artichokes with drawn butter. my mom served them to me pretty regularly. we even had special plates that are designed to hold the choke, butter, and discarded leaves (which i have now inherited). i never knew that eating them on a tuesday was not the "normal" dinner fare until i moved out and bought one for dinner in atlanta. my roommate thought it was fascination and wanted to know more. later, she gave me a book titled she taught me to eat artichokes. i served artichokes for dinner last night and thought of the book.

after the girls went to bed, i took it off of the bookshelf for the first time in many years. it is a sweet short story about a woman who is befriended by her neighbor, and in the process learns about the prickly vegetable that she has always held a curiosity for.

...we are most comfortable with the things we know the best. but if we always avoid the unfamiliar, how will we ever know what riches may be waiting for us deep within the heart? A first encounter with an artichoke can be a perplexing and somewhat formidable experience, for the artichoke gives little clue from its appearance of the delights that wait within. the heart of the artichoke is surrounded - protected if you will - by both leaves and the choke or thistle. when properly prepared, the choke is easily removed and the small amount of meat on softened leaves yields a promise of what is to come.

i read that last night and thought it was pretty beautiful and definitely thought provoking. how often do we "judge the book by its cover" and avoid things that are unfamiliar? if we are honest, probably more often then we care to admit.

ooh, la, la

i have died and gone to product heaven! growing up (and by that i mean until last year) i did very little to preserve the precious derma organ. i washed it, with soap, when i showered. sometimes i moisturized, sometimes i sun screened, once in a while i did some form of peel off mask or mud layer- but without much regularity.

after my pregnancy with d, my poor little face has never been the same. it went from being almost always blemish free to almost always blemished. i suddenly have true combination skin- dry patches, oily patched, wrinkle zones... you name it. and suddenly, for the first time in my life, i have been forced to really evaluate facial products. this has been a bit exhausting for me. don't get me wrong, i love products as much as the next girl, but i would way rather invest my shekels on a cool new shirt than skin care products that you can't even see. but i found myself getting wrinkles and nobody likes a big 'ole patch of acne, so i guess i am passed due for making this investment.


and so off to the store i trotted, looking for something that i would do the trick without compromising my standards for skincare products (sans parabans, petroleum products, phthlates, and propylene glycol, and anything else artificial). imagine my glee when i discovered mychelle dermaceuticules! and if you can even fathom it, imagine how excited i got when i discovered that they sell a sampler of almost all of their serums, cleansers, masks, moisturizers, eye creme etc.! it is perfect! i flew out of the store with my box of goodies (purchased at whole foods for a mere $14.99) and ran to the powder room to experiment. so far, it has been blissful (in a girlie makeover kind of way) and blemish reducing! hooray!


the kit comes with a product breakdown- their recommendations for oily skin, normal, damaged, mature, combo and men. it tells you what to do in the am and pm and what treatments are recommended for occasional use. it is perfect for a non-product girl like myself as i have no idea what i really need. and for those of you that are pros at this kind of thing, it might be perfect for sharing with a friend (if your a dry skin gal, grab an oily girl and head arm and arm to whole foods). and the part i like best you ask? well, it's that i get to try them in tiny portions for a few days and see what works for me. i get to experiment first hand with my skin type and see what i want to commit to before making a purchase (skin care isn't cheap ladies- we can't afford to fall for those glitter packages that turn out to be crud in a tube).


check out their website. while the stuff isn't "cheap" it is certainly way more affordable than some of the other stuff i've seen out there. and from what i've experienced over the past few days, it is effective. scary effective and as a bonus, my hubby told me he liked the way i smell after i used it the second night (ooh, la, la).

1 year

this post is going to all over the place. i'm sure of it because my head is swirling with ten posts at once- none of them at all very important.

first, look at this! my sweet aunt sharon (who cared for me during my first 3 months at home, after my mom was released from the hospital) posted it on her blog. it made me laugh out loud.

second, somehow my one year of blogging anniversary passed me by. it was in the back of my head but escaped me on the actual day. anyways, i can't believe that i have stuck with it for this long, enjoyed it and how it has evolved into more than just random pics of my girls.

which brings me to the topic of transparency. as i reflect on my past year as a blogger, i think about how i began by inviting you to "...peek in my window, see into my writings and share in my life and the life of my family". at that moment, i fully anticipated that the bulk of my blogging would revolve around my girls. and for the most part, it has.

sometimes, i wonder if i am too transparent. i wonder if my sharing makes you a little bit uncomfortable and if by telling the whole story i might border on being overly dramatic. and if that is the conclusion, then i guess that i am ok with it. you see, i spent a lot of my life (high school years in particular) hiding a lot of stuff about myself. i spent years trying to be someone who i thought was a better version of myself, but pushing down the real version. and in the process, i learned that it really just isn't productive. and that in telling the truth, the unedited version (as unedited as one can be when writing about themselves) you end up in a much better place. i'm not saying i am better for being transparent, it just makes it easier for me to live in my own skin.

and a few other random thoughts-
remember those deer we saw from the forest preserve? looking back, i'm not sure if i would have drawn as much attention to them as i did back in the beginning of our life in the burbs. for the past year, on a regular basis, i have had to answer detailed questions about the deer's homes. ellie has been relentless. (i can just see into her little head. she thinks they have a cozy living room a nice little kitchen and who knows what else:) she does not give up. she asks the same thing and she refuses to accept my answer- "they live in the woods girlie. they lay down together to keep warm and they use sticks and leaves for shelter and eat grass/leaves".

remember my commitment to use cloth bags in an effort to cut down on plastics? yeah- i'm not doing so hot on that one! i have in fact stopped taking plastics, but i forget my reusable bags all the time. as a punishment to self, i started forcing myself to carry all of my items without bags. it is a sight to see! when that is just impossible, i buy more reusable bags. i know, i'm pathetic. i'm blaming it on pregnancy brain... in spite of the fact that it started happening long before i became pregnant.

also, i fully intended to write a heck of a lot more about natural parenting. while i seem to have no problem sharing my faith with ya'll, i seem to be resistant to sharing my philosophy on too much else. i'll work on that. (i promise it is actually pretty interesting!)

and that about wraps up this random burst of thoughts. thanks for following along for the past year. it's been a fun adventure!

recession fashion

wow, this post has an interesting confession! sometimes, i am a blog stalker:) no really, a few months ago a blog that i follow told of a family that had a baby who was born really sick. in an effort to pray for the family, i began following their blog and reading the daily updates of their sweet baby, harper (she is such a cutie). anyways, harper is all better, but i am still following the momma's blog. today, kelly (the momma) posted about recession fashion and challenged the readers to post their tips on their own blogs. always up for a challenge, especially concerning one of my most favorite topics (shopping), here goes...

since miss e was born, i have been obsessed with boutique brands and adorable outfits. the problem lied in the fact that we were on a strict budget and i could never justify the price tags on my favorite brands when she went through sizes so quickly. but she was my girl, my first baby and i couldn't resist. after spending an obscene amount of money on a few outfits and then later having them ruined for one reason or another, i decided that i had to get smart about this shopping thing. and in the process, i discovered ebay. and once i found it, i never went back. below are some samples of ebay steals that currently adorn our home and girls... all courtesy from ebay.


this is delaney's somewhat mangled bedroom set. it is pink and light brown polka dot, trimmed in green/pink/yellow/ paisley, backed with chocolate brown. it was handmade by a woman who sews in her home in ontario.

it came with the skirt, bumper (delaney has smashed it so much that it no longer stands up straight- a delaney issue not a workmanship issue), curtain, and two pillows.

the dress on the wall is for the day we finally dedicate delaney and was $5 at a local antique store (i stole the adorable idea of using it to decorate from my talented friend steph:). the entire set cost $100 + shipping!!! comparable custom sets were between $500- $1000!

this is an outfit that i bought for d by a company that sells a lot on ebay and in stores here in chicago (jo jo designs). the top has a flower formed from ribbon and the bottom is trimmed in little flowers. it was $20 plus $6 shipping charge.

this dress is from my most favorite label, baby lulu. both girls had this matching dress for easter last year (see earlier post). i don't remember exactly how much i paid for them (ballpark of $25/piece, and they were $70 in a local boutique. i used them all spring/summer/fall with layering.

another baby lulu outfit that the girls had that matched. i remember paying more for ellie's ($25ish) and getting a steal on delaney's (under $10!).

this is a baby lulu top that i stole, oops- i mean bought, for $5. the pants were part of a set by a brand i can't remember. i didn't care for the top, but loved the pants. they were under $10!

this was e's christmas dress from last year. it also came with a velvet cape (which she adored). it was dirt cheap- taffeta and velvet, lined- under $20!

and here is e's winter coat. she has worn it for two year and it was under $15! it sold in nordstrom in the $80 range!

and so here are my ebay shopping tips-

1.) buy out of season. i buy my spring clothes in jan/feb when nobody else is bidding on the same stuff as me. i am often the only bidder.

2.) set a final bid price while considering the shipping... and then leave it. never go back and up your bid beyond what you originally decided on. i tend to set a personal limit of $25/outfit including the shipping charge.

3.) shop from sellers that offer many listings and offer a shipping discount on multiple wins.

4.) go to your local boutiques and upscale children's stores. make a list of the labels that you like and then search for them by name and size.

5.) don't make too many bids at once. this can cause you to go overboard and/or win way more than you need. if you are shopping a season ahead, you have plenty of time to build a wardrobe.

6.) don't be afraid of gently used items. while i tend to buy NWT (new with tags) or NWOT (new without tags) i have also bout gently used in excellent condition and been very happy! in an effort to protect our little planet, i am trying to lean more towards used items as a method of helping to minimize excess stuff on our planet. hooray for recycling!

7.) you will make a few mistakes in the beginning, but the money you save in the long run is well worth it! if you buy something that doesn't work out, resell it on ebay.

http://www.lilith-ezine.com/articles/2006/WalmartsSweatshops.html

must buy!

if you have small children or think you may be inviting small children to live in your home in the near future i strongly encourage you to march your sweet tushy to the local bookstore and buy a copy of natural baby and childcare by Lauren Feder, M.D. i picked up a copy of this book last week and am literally reading it cover to cover (in spite of the fact that it is more of a reference book).

the book covers just about every topic that a family might encounter and gives a holistic approach to treating it. it also covers the risks of things like soy milk that we see so many families switching to as a result of allergy concerns, sun safety recommendations, healthy feeding guidelines for each age group... and on and on and on.

as a mom that has embraced holistic living since ellie burst on the scene, i have looked at and bought many books similar to this one. however, this one is the best one i've encountered thus far because it is all contained in one book and shows the simplicity and efficacy of this type of treatment.

and while this was not my reason behind raising our family this way, i should also mention that it is an incredibly eco-friendly way of living and keeps the cost of health care at a minimum.

startling realizations

ok, so after ellie was born, i was a little miffed with my gal pals that had gone before me into motherhood. i mean, really, someone could have given me a little heads up about what to expect. for the sake of any male readers that don't have children, i'll spare you the details. but come on. you'd think that one of the fifteen books that i read about pregnancy and childbirth might have mentioned the ice packs!

today, at a mere three days shy of 20 weeks into this pregnancy, i stand in the same disbelief. sistas, you are not helping your friends out by sheltering them from the realities that come with pregnancy. pregnancy with number three has not been any less shocking...

here is just my short list of things that might be helpful to the unsuspecting momma trying to maintain her hipness a few years past the point where it is in reach...

it would have been nice to know that somewhere just shy of implantation a robber was going to come and take the remaining pieces of my already scattered mind. if this entry doesn't make any sense, it is because i officially have no brain left. the little i was holding onto after delaney is now gone. will i ever get it back? anyone? help a girl out.

i might have appreciated knowing that sneezing is dangerous for a thrice pregnant woman when in public. if that sentence leaves you scratching your head in confusion, just move on, but for the rest of you... a little heads up is all i'm asking for here.

when i was splurging on unnecessarily expensive maternity clothes with babies one and two going around saying things like, "i'll get my money's worth after a couple rounds of use", you might have filled me in on the fact that my poor body was never going to really look "cute" in them beyond pregnancy one (if they even did back then). in fact, you might have steered me towards the rack holding the mu-mu's as that is really the best option of protecting the world from embarrassing encounters with various rolls that i didn't think were possible for the human body to develop.

i could go on here ladies. trust me, with each day, i have new unfortunate discoveries. all i'm saying is maybe once you are in the know, you might want to share. your friends will be a little scared (justifiably) but much more prepared for what lies ahead of them.

a little chat with jesus, revisited again

back in august, i had a little health scare. at the start of the situation, this conversation took place between me and my Father (you may remember it from an earlier posting):

m: (whispering) Father, i'm a little scared.

G: i know. do you trust me?

m: yes, i trust you.

G: do you know i love you?

m: yes, Father, i know you love me.

G: will you walk with me? will you let me carry you? through anything?

m: i will, Father.

it has been in the back of my mind ever since. i've had a lot of questions about that situation and have been curious why God walked me through that experience, giving me such a sense of peace that i was being held, and then not taking me down the dark path where i thought i was headed. i mean, at that moment, i was more trusting and dependant on Him than i have been in a long while. the why of it all has troubled me for the past few months.

at the end of august, we went to the beach in michigan. one night, after the girlies were tucked in bed, scott and i sat out by the fire with a bottle of wine. we chatted a little bit about this and a little bit about that... and then he brought up something big. a partner in his office had offered him a job opportunity in california. this wasn't the first time that it had been offered to him, but for some reason, it was the first time we felt our hearts stir. we prayed about it that night and we both felt like this was something that God wanted us to consider. and so at that moment, we committed to praying about it and letting our hearts seek God's will in this area. but as i began to walk the path of possibility i never once remembered the conversation with my Father.

in september, a deep sadness started sweeping into my life. i began to battle with depression and frustration in my current role. it was a really difficult month for me and i constantly felt like i was loosing the battle. sadness overcame me and i began to let myself drift from God. as i began to walk down that path, i never once remembered the conversation with my Father.

in november, i received a call from my sister that turned my life on its head. my momma lay in a hospital bed, stricken by an automobile, bleeding and badly injured. it seemed almost certain, with the little information that we knew, that my mom would not make it through the night. the next morning, with my sister at her side, we learned that she was living against the odds. and as i began to walk this path, i never remembered that august conversation with my Father.

the weekend following my mom's accident, i began to feel slightly ill. suddenly i did the math, took a test and realized we were expecting a baby. this new little life, which is certainly a blessing, just came as a little surprise. with d being under a year, i began to feel a little overwhelmed by the situation and my mind flooded with questions. how in the world was i going to handle two babies under the age of two? the verse about God only giving us what we can handle came to mind, but still the journey seemed daunting. and never once, did i remember that conversation with my Father back in august.

the next week i went to be with my momma for the first time. as she lay in that icu bed, sleeping a fair amount, i spent a lot of time praying. i spent a lot of time trying to sort all of it out and trying to imagine what the future held. what would my role in all of this be? how would my sisters and i manage her care in the hospital in richmond where none of us lived? would she ever have full mental capacity? would she be able to walk and talk again? and as these thoughts ran wild in my mind, i knew it was too much for me to bear on my own.

scott and i were supposed to have given an answer concerning the job offer sometime in december, but given the circumstances, they were very understanding and patient. around the
end of the year, scott and i felt like we owed it to them to give them an answer. the problem was that we didn't have an answer. we had been so consumed with my mom and the news of this new baby on the way, that we hadn't really been able to think it through. truth be told, i had already dismissed it the minute my momma was hit by the car. i just couldn't fathom going farther from her at this fragile time in her life. but as we prayed, as i stood before God with all this stuff on my heart and this huge decision pressing in, a new clarity took over. i suddenly became transported back into the moment, sitting in the front seat of my car outside the doctors office in august, overcome with peace reassuring me that God loves me so much. i felt certain that he would carry me through anything. He simply longed for me to trust Him.

and so today, as a "for sale" sign was pounded into the front lawn of the house i love, i stand in that faith. my journey towards walking in His shadow has been long. i can only imagine how many times my Father sat back and asked, "when is this girl going to get it?". and yet he patiently waited for me, he gave me opportunity after opportunity to see that nothing is bigger than His plan and that with Him as the pilot, i am truly safe.

and i should probably say, i have no idea if God plans on taking us to california. all i know is that He wants me to spend my life trusting Him and willing to take risks for His will to be done. i'm a little slow on this, but let's just call me a work in progress.

*these are pictures of my sweet little e on moving day and at the closing of our condo sale/home purchase. it is hard to remember how little she was then and amazing to look and see how much she has grown.

coulda, woulda, shoulda

coulda, woulda, shoulda... those are the words that have been going through my head for the past few weeks. you see, we are about to put our house on the market with hopes of selling and then moving to california. the weeks before listing are filled with running around and doing all of the things that a home owner meant to do while living in the house, but maybe never got around to. in our case, this has involved a bathroom remodel, touch up paint, cleaning out the garage and basement, organizing various closets and a whole heap of other home projects. as a result, i feel like i haven't had a weekend in a really long time.

what the heck have we been doing with our time these past few years?


today, i was staring out into our back yard in sheer exhaustion thinking of all the remaining things we need to do as crunch time closes in. and suddenly, memories started to flood my mind. i remembered the day that we moved into this place we call home, feeling excited about the new journey of suburban living. i remembered how at that moment, i had no idea that our lives were changing even more than we knew and that sweet little d was already growing strong in my belly. i remembered ellie playing soccer and t-ball with her daddy in the back yard. i remembered the enjoyment of special time with friends on the back deck in the summer, birthday parties, christmas, play dates, picking apples from our tree in the backyard, gardening with sweet little e last summer.... the memories just flooded into my mind and brought me to tears.


we've done a whole lotta' living in this house in just two short years. and while i don't know for sure if we will really end up leaving this chapter of our lives, i am happy with the time we spent here. and when it's all said and done, i wouldn't trade a minute of the time we spent really living here for any of those earlier thoughts of coulda, woulda, shoulda.

happy

when i was in high school, my sister heather brought home this book titled 14,000 things to be happy about. because my sister brought it home, i fell in love with it. the book was basically just one giant list of things that might make a person happy. they were random, often surprising, but when carefully considered, very thought provoking (at least to my 15 year old mind). my best friend and i somehow got the idea to make a list of our own (it was probably her idea). i can remember the little book we used so clearly. we would take turns with it and pass it back and forth a few times a week. we did this for months. somehow, that first book has been lost. i swear it wasn't me who misplaced it, but she swears it was. regardless, it makes me sad that my youthful view on happiness has been misplaced.

over the years, we revised the happy book. when we went to college, we mailed a new book back and forth. after college, we lived together in atlanta, so didn't really need a concrete list because we were living out what made us happy together. when she got married and moved across town, we reinvented the book, adding some new components. surprisingly, we kept it up for many years, into my marriage and into my pregnancy with sweet little e.

recently, she emailed me asking for the book. it is buried somewhere deep in my basement. i am eager to find it once my life settles down. currently, between getting our house ready to list, my mom, pregnancy, and two little ones; i haven't had the time or energy. but soon, i will dig for it.

for the last few weeks (maybe months, if i am really honest) i have been pretty sad and down. it set in when i stopped nursing in september and then really took a dive after my mom's accident. life has been such a whirlwind all fall and into the present. anyways, last night i was laying in bed and thinking about all of it. i made a decision, that i am just going to have to pull myself out of this. i really dislike being so negative and down. i decided that i was going to have to just start focusing on the positive. i am aware that this won't "fix" my problems, but it will certainly change the way that i address them. and for the rest of the people in my little world (my husband and sweet babies) it will make me more bearable to live with.

this morning, in spite of the fact that my baby woke up an hour earlier than usual, i got out of bed with resolve that today was going to be a new beginning. we went downstairs to start the routine, and while my girlies were munching away on their breakfast i read this. hmmm- was it God ordained tagging?

"you're it tasha. remember that chat we had last night? remember your resolve? while here it is, a little push into the happier side of life."

and you should probably know that leslie, the girl that did the tagging, is in an email based prayer group with me. she is one wise momma. ordinarily, i would call this a coincidence, but given the circumstances, i'm sticking with the theory of divine intervention.

and so here goes: 6 things that make me happy

1.) my two little babes. d makes me smile (and sometimes pull my hair out) minute by minute because she is so stinking silly. she spends most of her day looking for laughter and she brings it to as many situations as she can. i am certain that this is going to be one of her gifts in life. e makes me proud. she is metamorphosing into this amazing little lady with such a strong moral compass. she has an amazing heart and a quest for knowledge. watching her thoughts and values unfold brings me great pleasure. i can't wait to see her in her teen years, because with her head, she is bound to be a light in her little world.


2.) living a life of adventure makes me happy down to my tippy toes. while risk taking could terrify a person, it has always served me well. moving to atlanta without a job or an apartment turned out to be an amazing journey. giving a stranger my phone number in bar (instead of fake digits as i had considered) proved to bring me the love of my life. choosing to follow this crazy man named jesus bought me my crown and the fresh start i so desperately needed. saying "yes" to yet another crazy move across the country and taking a risk on chicago brought me 8 amazing, growth inducing, wonderful friendship producing years. and now the adventure of san francisco- well that one is yet to be played out but based on history is sure to be worth the risk.


3.) the adult relationships that have been forming for the past five years with my two older sisters bring me great happiness. sometimes, it appears that we grew up in different households as children (and i guess in many ways we did). but watching how a sisterhood in Christ has begun to heel the wounds and how He is transforming our dynamic makes me smile from ear to ear.


4.) home. i'm not certain that words do the feeling justice, but there is something wonderful to me about being under the same roof all tucked in with my beautiful husband and sweet babies, snuggling on the couch, playing together on the floor, or just simply each doing our own thing in various parts of the same structure at peace and ease with one another. while most of my life i wanted to be anywhere but home, i find in this phase of my life, savoring the time i spend at home.


5.) jelly belly beans- i love everything about them. the bright colors, the creative flavors, the bursting of sweetness in your mouth. they are simple and yummy.


6.) the beach. when i think of squishing my toes in the sand, happy memories from my lifetime flood my mind. i think of taking a walk with my step-mom and dad in the bahamas as a little girl, a father daughter moment between daddy and his sweet ellie on her first vacation, travel to the italian riviera and swapping dreams of our future together with my hubby, building sandcastles with my little brother and sister in florida... and so many more. each one fills me with warmth.

and instead of tagging a bunch of people to do the same, i choose to tag all of you. as you read this i challenge you to think of things that make you happy. and then go into your life and celebrate those things, cherish them, because if you are anything like me, you might find yourself taking them for granted from time to time and forgetting about the happiness that they do in fact bring you. sometimes life just gets away from us and it takes a little bit of intentionality to bring us back to our feet. this exercise is part of that process for me, and i hope it does the same for you. and if you feel like it, leave a comment and share one or two of your happy's with me:)

thanks, leslie. i needed to be tagged more than you could have ever known.

a new era

i swore when barack obama won the democratic nomination that i would not let emotion sway my voting. i was determined that i wanted to cast a vote for the most qualified man, the one that would be best equipped at handling the problems that we face today. and so i went through this entire election period totally oblivious to the fact that an african-american was running. really. i know that is hard to believe, but having the wrong black man in office could do more damage than having one at all and i wanted to consider the entire package.

and so last night, as i was watching the media coverage of grant park, it suddenly hit me. tears were falling freely down jesse jacksons face. he has fought his entire life for this moment. as obama gave his speech, it became even more profound for me... this is a culmination of years of blood sweat and tears for so many in our nation.

my mind began to drift to my former students. i can only imagine the possibility that their eyes will now see. for my black, inner-city chicago students, this is a role model that they can tangibly experience. he demonstrates the opportunity that can go hand in hand with working hard. for my immigrant students in atlanta, he epitomizes the hope that brought them from their native land to this land of opportunity. it is amazing!

and so regardless of how you voted, i hope you, like myself, see that the audacity of hope is a powerful thing. something that will positively change the eyes of our young and the potential that lies before them.

my mind also wandered to my dear friend camia. back in june, camia appealed to the board of education for an opportunity to take some of her students to washington, d.c. for the presidential inauguration. twenty four african-american students from her school will travel with her to see barack obama be sworn in as president. i can only imagine how this will effect them and transform their lives. and for that transformation, for that opportunity, i am thrilled with the outcome of this election.

if you'd like to donate to the trip that these wonderful children will be taking, mail a check to:
Frazier Prep
4027 W. Grenshaw
Chicago, IL 60624

in the memo line, write D.C. trip. any amount would be a huge help to help this amazing trip take place.

an end to the season

i took this picture last week. right before the first frost was scheduled to arrive, i pulled out all the remaining tomatoes and removed all the plants from my garden bed. can you believe how many there are? overall, i think that my first gardening experience was successful, fun and definitely educational.

and now, i am left with my big basket of fruit. i wish that i could just preserve it and have this beautiful centerpiece for a while, but i don't think that the tomatoes will cooperate with that plan. and so now i am in search of the best fried green tomato recipe out there. i tried one with a cornmeal crust that was crispy but just mediocre in the taste department. i have also tried one with a panko and dill crust that is then topped with a cucumber relish. tasty, but not quite perfect. any suggestions?

mccain is a pain and a momma not sure about obama

earlier today i published a post about my current state of being (not good) and how listening to a wonderful song (only hope by caedmon's call) helped me see the light. after publishing the post, i was disappointed in my inability to upload a video from you tube. i called my sister and asked her to walk me through the process. i am certain that she knew what she was talking about and i am also certain that i am a technological misfit. in spite of her attempts to teach me, i somehow deleted the entire posting. i couldn't go back and re-write it. it was hard enough to write the first time. and so instead, you get this...


i have not posted on the presidential election. because of this, it would be easy to conclude that i am not politically minded or interested in the election. the truth is the exact opposite. i have been engrossed in politics since i was in high-school. as far as this current election is concerned, i have not missed a single debate, going all the way back to the primary debates. in addition, i have a news tv obsession that could land me in therapy. i am obsessed with this presidential election.

recently, a friend of mine posted a face book status update about how her obama signs keep disappearing from her front lawn. during the same weekend, my mother-in-law reported that her mccain signs are walking off during the night. i joked about it and said i was going to vote based on the candidate whose signs i saw the most. and then i thought about that statement.

it has been bouncing back and forth between my ears for a few weeks. i am left with the question of, "what purpose do these signs have in the first place?". i mean really, in an age where most of the population is trying to save our little planet and preserve our natural resources for future generations, do we really need the signs. aren't they just one short step away from the landfill that doesn't have any more room? does seeing that your neighbor is voting one way really have an impact on how YOU will vote? in fact, it is rather divisive. i like my neighbors just fine. since we moved in almost two years ago, i thought we were very like minded. until i saw their lawn become cluttered with signs supporting this guy, that guy, and that other guy running for office. suddenly, i have a few question marks raised in my mind about them.

ultimately, it is pure waste. environmentally damaging waste to be precise. i don't think that they impact the race in any way. and while i am certain that there is some pole published that would prove me wrong, i don't really care how a stranger down the street is voting. isn't that why we pay for the little curtain around the voting booth? it is a personal matter. and while i am very open to public discussion of why one might vote for one candidate over another, the signs eliminate the discussion.

i was thinking about a solution- maybe we attach a little recording device to the signs where the poster records a 45 second clip on why they support the particular candidate. that, i could get behind. that would maybe have impact. but the signs alone, well, i am hereby declaring that i am anti candidate signs.

and while i am on the topic of the presidential election, i would like to say that i am a little miffed. as mentioned earlier, i watched every debate intently and have done so for years. this is the first year that i can recall not hearing more details on a variety of topics. i know that a responsible voter will do their homework, but let's be honest, not everyone falls into that category. what has happened to topics like education, immigration, plans for farmers, state accountability, plans to truly balance the budget... the list goes on. some of those things were asked of the candidates, but most of those questions were left very unanswered. i am pretty clear on their foreign policy agenda and their tax agenda, but isn't the president responsible for so much more? i am a few short weeks away from casting my ballot, and overall, i am still very much hungry for the real meat of each candidate's plan. go to their web sites and check it out for yourself. if you dig around long enough, you'll find answers. short answers that don't really explain much.

i'll end with one of scott's favorite movie lines...

you want answers?

i want the TRUTH!

you can't handle the TRUTH!

an outstretched hand

i took e into the city today to attend two of her friends birthday parties. (i know, keeping up with her social calendar is quite a challenge!) anyways, it was poring all day. my windshield wipers just couldn't keep up and traffic was horrendous. there were accidents all along the way and cars were moving at a snails pace in an effort to see the road. we traveled along this way until we reached the edge of downtown. up until this point, there is really only one way to go. but when you reach the edge of "the loop" you can choose which way to go. there are two main options. you can take congress straight across the loop until you hit the lake and then travel along a beautiful stretch of lake shore drive that highlights some of my favorite sights in chicago. the other alternative is taking lower wacker. lower wacker is a stretch of road that travels under the city. literally. you drive in a tunnel that travels adjacent to the chicago river from the western to the northern side of the loop.


until recently, i always opted for lake shore drive. it was reminiscent of the time when i fell in love with chicago. it highlights the sear's tower, navy pier, buckingham fountain, and of course, the beautiful sights of lake michigan. there was something about this route that made me miss my city and fondly remember special moments from my newlywed years with scott.


and then i discovered lower wacker. a friend of mine suggested it because it was a shortcut. always loving to shave off a few minutes from the drive, i began to take this subterranean route. something unusual has started happening to me as i travel this path, though. something unexpected. each time as i dip down below the surface, my heart begins to ache.


you see, lower wacker is where the homeless set up camp. in the winter, they go beneath the city because they can benefit from the exhaust from the heating systems. as each high-rise pumps heat into their buildings, the exhaust is vented out onto lower wacker, making it stinky... and warm. also in the winter, it is free from snowfall. in the summer, it offers shade from the noonday sun and a somewhat dark place to catch a nap. and today, it offered an escape from the torrential downpours.


as e and i traveled to our posh little parties, i noticed men huddled up under blankets, barely dressed. their soaked clothing and humble belongings were laid out in an attempt to dry them using the vents. i found myself wiping tears from my eyes.


you see, in a big city like chicago, you meet panhandlers everywhere you turn. they wait outside of starbucks, walgreens and the el stations, hoping to get a few bucks. every time you run your normal errands, someone is there asking for your change. you become hardened to it to some extent, because you realize that in the grand scheme of things, there is little you have to offer. sure, you can give them the remaining 64 cents while you walk off with your tasty frapacino. but at the next corner, when you walk out with your prescription drugs or your organic fillet to throw on the barbecue later that night, you'll be met with another outstretched hand. and somehow, it's easy to stop seeing them as people and to start looking the other way. and the rumors! man, everywhere you turn you read articles about the exorbitant living that some of these guys make just be getting the change from tourists on michigan avenue.


today, nobody was asking me for my change. nobody wanted to wash my windshield and nobody was trying to sell me a streetwise (a homeless publication that tries to give them a dignified way to obtain cash). today, the people that i saw were just trying to get dry. they were going about their daily life, minding their own business. and it was in this experience, this five minutes of my drive, that i saw into their world in a whole new way. i saw their struggle, when they didn't think anybody was looking. i saw their weary eyes, wondering without the benefit of the weather channel, when this rain was going to let up. i saw their tired bodies yearning for a pillow to lay their head on. and it broke my heart.

i was going to end this entry here. and yet it isn't the end of this experience for me.

being a woman of action, i used the time when e was at the party to go buy a few bags of socks, t-shirts and granola bars. i used to be a part of this organization in atlanta that met weekly with the homeless and did their best to get specifically requested items into the hands that needed them. do you know what they always asked for? warm socks, boxer shorts, an extra pair of tennis shoes.

and as i walked out of the cvs with my bag full of items, i was met by a man selling streetwise. i gave him my little remaining cash (a measly five bucks) and then we chatted for a few minutes. he thanked me for the money, but really seemed more enthusiastic about talking for a few minutes. he seemed lonely and greatly in need of some conversation. after a few minutes, i asked him if he needed some warm socks. his face lit up! his crooked posture straightened slightly. his eyes sparkled a bit and i think i detected a little bit of joy. i gave him the coveted socks and he walked over to his backpack to tuck them safely inside.

ma'am, you have no idea how nice those socks are gonna' feel at the end of this long wet day! thank you. thank you! God bless you.

and then on our way back out of the city, i prepped e. i told her that if we saw anybody hanging out on lower wacker, we were going to pull over and hand them a little bag of stuff to help them out. she was intrigued!


why do they live on lower wacker??? don't they have cozy beds??? granola bars??? for dinner???
we had a long talk about homelessness and then prayed that God would put the right people in our path that he wanted us to help, if that were His will. and then we drove down onto lower wacker. and as we drove, we didn't see a single person. i don't know if they had been asked to move along by the police or if they were headed to the neighboring churches that pass out warm meals. it was odd. i was a little frustrated because i had been eager to help out... and e was full of questions! man, did she drill me the whole way home.

after getting home and thinking things over, i realized that this did serve a good purpose for me. sometimes, it isn't about the actual "helping" but more about the heart transformation that goes along with it. sure, i could have passed out socks and gone home feeling like i'd really pitched in. but more importantly, my eyes are refreshed. i am tuned back into the heart of the man, and have put a stop to seeing past the outstretched hand. my heart is more in tune with the individual, rather than the helplessness of trying to put a dent into the homeless issue.

and i thought back to the one man who did cross my path. as i was snuggled up on my couch watching a movie in my warm house last night, i listened to the rain beating down on my windows. as this happened, it hit me. God really DID bless me. not because i gave a man socks, but for some reason that i can't explain and may not know in this lifetime. but what i do with my blessing, while that's what really matters.

the harvest

yep! i grew that cucumber. it was delicious. i think the coolest part of my garden is going out to check on it every day with ellie. we walk out there and try to find the most recent additions. she loves gently turning back the leaves in search of a bloom turning into a baby "pickle". she gets so excited!

"momma, a pickle right there. see? under this leaf!"

last week, when we discovered a full grown cucumber, she was thrilled to pick it. she wanted to eat it right away, but i thought it best to save it for dinner. daddy is a fan of the garden and he might have been sad to miss out on our cucumber. i also must admit that my lack of faith in my gardening skills, rodents, etc. have me thinking (in spite of my thousands of blooms) that this might be the only veggie our little garden produces.

and so for dinner, we all ate some of our first cucumber. it was the best cucumber that i have ever had!

alcatraz

my garden feels a little bit like alcatraz these days. the potential veggies have been secured behind a maximum security bunny fence. it grieved me to have to do this- as i said, i had faith in those darn bunnies. the digging out of the half eaten plants and the re-planting did not feel joyful. i cursed the bunnies as i worked because they were robbing me of my tidy garden. i cursed them more as i battled with the chicken wire in an effort to secure my little plot of land. my hands ended up getting scratched and cut. thankfully a kind neighbor saw my struggle and offered to hold the wire roll while i went to town with the staple gun. in the end, the security measures have paid off. i've had to let go of my need for a tidy and organized garden bed- those cucumber plants don't seem to want to cooperate and they are what i'm going for after all. all of this has made me feel a little less than thrilled with the gardening process... until...


just look at that baby! it is MY first cucumber! i grew it with my own little hands, some of God's sunshine and lots of beautiful rain. isn't she beautiful???
and a pea!
and more tomatoes than one family can eat!

when i was a little girl, my family didn't really have a vegetable garden. i'm not sure why, because my mom is a huge gardener, but she always stuck with flowers. however, i have memories of being the recipients of lots of tomatoes. i can remember specific families that would gift my mom with bags of their tomato bounty. and in our home, tomato bounty meant b.l.t.'s. i kid you not, we would eat bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches for dinner almost every night for the month of august. now one might guess that this was a culinary drag. you might be thinking that i am now sick of b.l.t.'s because i was forced to consume so many as a wee one, but no, your conclusion is inaccurate. i LOVED b.l.t. month! b.l.t. month meant a break from my mom's favorite dish, the beloved casserole. i hated casseroles and thus LOVED anything that offered me relief from the one pot wonder.

and so as i look at my daily increasing number of tomatoes, i see visions of beautiful glorious bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches in my very near future. my mouth waters a little bit just sitting here anticipating them.

the missy project

back in june i attended a women's conference with my sisters, step-mom, aunt and grandmother. the day after the conference, a relative mentioned a book to my sister- the shack by william p. young. my sister read the book and immediately suggested it to many in her life. i'm one of the many.

words cannot express the power that this book has had on me. it is filled with Truth, forgiveness and an unfathomable story. it penetrated my heart in amazing ways. i see my life differently and my most valued relationship has now become more beautiful than i ever could have imagined.

while i could tell you what the book is about in more detail, i feel something in your reading would be lost in my description. i went into my experience with this book with little information. i took my sister's word that it was good, ordered it off of amazon, and read it without knowing what the story was about. since that was my experience, i would encourage each of you to do the same. it will change you.

green

i take great pride in my lawn. last year my grandmother generously gave each of her grandchildren a monetary gift. scott and i used our gift to have our yard taken care of. when we bought our house, the yard was in a serious state of disrepair. we didn't have much grass to speak of and pretty much despised our yard. as a stay at home mom, i decided to take on this home renovation project myself. i interviewed the landscapers, devised the plan and managed the project. it was completed at the end of august, so we didn't get to enjoy the finished results for long before it was covered by a blanket of leaves and then a blanket of snow. recently, i sat on our back porch and marveled at the bed of green. e & d seem to like it as well.

i also got a chance to marvel at my beautiful babes.

Job 5:25

You will know that your children will be many, and your descendants like the grass of the earth.

evidence

the first piece of evidence that i would like to present is the photo above. (i scanned it from e's scrapbook page.) i'd like you to meet libby rabbit. libby was my first baby. i bought her when i was teaching at kipp. during independent reading, and for most of the day, libby would have free reign of my classroom. mostly, she liked to eat books. the kids would find a cozy spot to relax and read. and while they read, libby would hop around the room visiting the kids. i loved libby rabbit. she ate my overhead projector power cord, nibbled on my prada handbag, took chunks out of my favorite books, and escaped down the hall a few times too many. but i loved her. the purpose of this evidence is to emphasize the fact that i love rabbits.

i even loved this bunny rabbit. he has lived under my neighbor's porch for the past year. anytime i have extra carrots, e and i leave them for him in our yard. the second piece of evidence that i would like to present suggests that he has been eating more than my extra carrots.

these are my recently ingested heads of lettuce. i would like to report that they were delicious- crisp, not bitter, enhanced by a little balsamic vinaigrette. but since i didn't ingest them, i can't make that report. you'll have to ask the rabbit. he ate all the heads of lettuce in my small plot of land... and the tops of all my beans, and my herbs and the tops of all my peas. i spent today digging out all of my freshly eaten plants, sowing new seeds, and attaching a fence. call me naive, but i really thought that my bunny friends would know that i had a history with rabbits and that they would be kind to me. and now, the poor hungry bunnies can watch my new garden grow from the other side of the fence.