ok, so after ellie was born, i was a little miffed with my gal pals that had gone before me into motherhood. i mean, really, someone could have given me a little heads up about what to expect. for the sake of any male readers that don't have children, i'll spare you the details. but come on. you'd think that one of the fifteen books that i read about pregnancy and childbirth might have mentioned the ice packs!
today, at a mere three days shy of 20 weeks into this pregnancy, i stand in the same disbelief. sistas, you are not helping your friends out by sheltering them from the realities that come with pregnancy. pregnancy with number three has not been any less shocking...
here is just my short list of things that might be helpful to the unsuspecting momma trying to maintain her hipness a few years past the point where it is in reach...
it would have been nice to know that somewhere just shy of implantation a robber was going to come and take the remaining pieces of my already scattered mind. if this entry doesn't make any sense, it is because i officially have no brain left. the little i was holding onto after delaney is now gone. will i ever get it back? anyone? help a girl out.
i might have appreciated knowing that sneezing is dangerous for a thrice pregnant woman when in public. if that sentence leaves you scratching your head in confusion, just move on, but for the rest of you... a little heads up is all i'm asking for here.
when i was splurging on unnecessarily expensive maternity clothes with babies one and two going around saying things like, "i'll get my money's worth after a couple rounds of use", you might have filled me in on the fact that my poor body was never going to really look "cute" in them beyond pregnancy one (if they even did back then). in fact, you might have steered me towards the rack holding the mu-mu's as that is really the best option of protecting the world from embarrassing encounters with various rolls that i didn't think were possible for the human body to develop.
i could go on here ladies. trust me, with each day, i have new unfortunate discoveries. all i'm saying is maybe once you are in the know, you might want to share. your friends will be a little scared (justifiably) but much more prepared for what lies ahead of them.
2.25.2009
2.16.2009
a little chat with jesus, revisited again
back in august, i had a little health scare. at the start of the situation, this conversation took place between me and my Father (you may remember it from an earlier posting):
m: (whispering) Father, i'm a little scared.
G: i know. do you trust me?
m: yes, i trust you.
G: do you know i love you?
m: yes, Father, i know you love me.
G: will you walk with me? will you let me carry you? through anything?
m: i will, Father.
it has been in the back of my mind ever since. i've had a lot of questions about that situation and have been curious why God walked me through that experience, giving me such a sense of peace that i was being held, and then not taking me down the dark path where i thought i was headed. i mean, at that moment, i was more trusting and dependant on Him than i have been in a long while. the why of it all has troubled me for the past few months.
at the end of august, we went to the beach in michigan. one night, after the girlies were tucked in bed, scott and i sat out by the fire with a bottle of wine. we chatted a little bit about this and a little bit about that... and then he brought up something big. a partner in his office had offered him a job opportunity in california. this wasn't the first time that it had been offered to him, but for some reason, it was the first time we felt our hearts stir. we prayed about it that night and we both felt like this was something that God wanted us to consider. and so at that moment, we committed to praying about it and letting our hearts seek God's will in this area. but as i began to walk the path of possibility i never once remembered the conversation with my Father.
in september, a deep sadness started sweeping into my life. i began to battle with depression and frustration in my current role. it was a really difficult month for me and i constantly felt like i was loosing the battle. sadness overcame me and i began to let myself drift from God. as i began to walk down that path, i never once remembered the conversation with my Father.
in november, i received a call from my sister that turned my life on its head. my momma lay in a hospital bed, stricken by an automobile, bleeding and badly injured. it seemed almost certain, with the little information that we knew, that my mom would not make it through the night. the next morning, with my sister at her side, we learned that she was living against the odds. and as i began to walk this path, i never remembered that august conversation with my Father.
the weekend following my mom's accident, i began to feel slightly ill. suddenly i did the math, took a test and realized we were expecting a baby. this new little life, which is certainly a blessing, just came as a little surprise. with d being under a year, i began to feel a little overwhelmed by the situation and my mind flooded with questions. how in the world was i going to handle two babies under the age of two? the verse about God only giving us what we can handle came to mind, but still the journey seemed daunting. and never once, did i remember that conversation with my Father back in august.
the next week i went to be with my momma for the first time. as she lay in that icu bed, sleeping a fair amount, i spent a lot of time praying. i spent a lot of time trying to sort all of it out and trying to imagine what the future held. what would my role in all of this be? how would my sisters and i manage her care in the hospital in richmond where none of us lived? would she ever have full mental capacity? would she be able to walk and talk again? and as these thoughts ran wild in my mind, i knew it was too much for me to bear on my own.
scott and i were supposed to have given an answer concerning the job offer sometime in december, but given the circumstances, they were very understanding and patient. around the
end of the year, scott and i felt like we owed it to them to give them an answer. the problem was that we didn't have an answer. we had been so consumed with my mom and the news of this new baby on the way, that we hadn't really been able to think it through. truth be told, i had already dismissed it the minute my momma was hit by the car. i just couldn't fathom going farther from her at this fragile time in her life. but as we prayed, as i stood before God with all this stuff on my heart and this huge decision pressing in, a new clarity took over. i suddenly became transported back into the moment, sitting in the front seat of my car outside the doctors office in august, overcome with peace reassuring me that God loves me so much. i felt certain that he would carry me through anything. He simply longed for me to trust Him.
and so today, as a "for sale" sign was pounded into the front lawn of the house i love, i stand in that faith. my journey towards walking in His shadow has been long. i can only imagine how many times my Father sat back and asked, "when is this girl going to get it?". and yet he patiently waited for me, he gave me opportunity after opportunity to see that nothing is bigger than His plan and that with Him as the pilot, i am truly safe.
and i should probably say, i have no idea if God plans on taking us to california. all i know is that He wants me to spend my life trusting Him and willing to take risks for His will to be done. i'm a little slow on this, but let's just call me a work in progress.
2.15.2009
a tribute to d
my sweet d has been giving me a run for my money lately. she is a little bit of a texas tornado and describing her as "active" does not do justice to her general state of being. and while it is tiring for this expectant momma to keep up with her, i have been reminded by dear friend jen, to find the positive in my little one... because the truth is that this one is filled with LOTS of positive energy. and i know that energy will be properly channeled some day, so i want to foster it rather than stifle it.
and so, in an effort of revealing the beautiful spirit of this one, i put together some of our most recent snaps that capture her essence.
and so, in an effort of revealing the beautiful spirit of this one, i put together some of our most recent snaps that capture her essence.
2.10.2009
coulda, woulda, shoulda
coulda, woulda, shoulda... those are the words that have been going through my head for the past few weeks. you see, we are about to put our house on the market with hopes of selling and then moving to california. the weeks before listing are filled with running around and doing all of the things that a home owner meant to do while living in the house, but maybe never got around to. in our case, this has involved a bathroom remodel, touch up paint, cleaning out the garage and basement, organizing various closets and a whole heap of other home projects. as a result, i feel like i haven't had a weekend in a really long time.
what the heck have we been doing with our time these past few years?
today, i was staring out into our back yard in sheer exhaustion thinking of all the remaining things we need to do as crunch time closes in. and suddenly, memories started to flood my mind. i remembered the day that we moved into this place we call home, feeling excited about the new journey of suburban living. i remembered how at that moment, i had no idea that our lives were changing even more than we knew and that sweet little d was already growing strong in my belly. i remembered ellie playing soccer and t-ball with her daddy in the back yard. i remembered the enjoyment of special time with friends on the back deck in the summer, birthday parties, christmas, play dates, picking apples from our tree in the backyard, gardening with sweet little e last summer.... the memories just flooded into my mind and brought me to tears.
we've done a whole lotta' living in this house in just two short years. and while i don't know for sure if we will really end up leaving this chapter of our lives, i am happy with the time we spent here. and when it's all said and done, i wouldn't trade a minute of the time we spent really living here for any of those earlier thoughts of coulda, woulda, shoulda.
what the heck have we been doing with our time these past few years?
today, i was staring out into our back yard in sheer exhaustion thinking of all the remaining things we need to do as crunch time closes in. and suddenly, memories started to flood my mind. i remembered the day that we moved into this place we call home, feeling excited about the new journey of suburban living. i remembered how at that moment, i had no idea that our lives were changing even more than we knew and that sweet little d was already growing strong in my belly. i remembered ellie playing soccer and t-ball with her daddy in the back yard. i remembered the enjoyment of special time with friends on the back deck in the summer, birthday parties, christmas, play dates, picking apples from our tree in the backyard, gardening with sweet little e last summer.... the memories just flooded into my mind and brought me to tears.
we've done a whole lotta' living in this house in just two short years. and while i don't know for sure if we will really end up leaving this chapter of our lives, i am happy with the time we spent here. and when it's all said and done, i wouldn't trade a minute of the time we spent really living here for any of those earlier thoughts of coulda, woulda, shoulda.
2.05.2009
happy
when i was in high school, my sister heather brought home this book titled 14,000 things to be happy about. because my sister brought it home, i fell in love with it. the book was basically just one giant list of things that might make a person happy. they were random, often surprising, but when carefully considered, very thought provoking (at least to my 15 year old mind). my best friend and i somehow got the idea to make a list of our own (it was probably her idea). i can remember the little book we used so clearly. we would take turns with it and pass it back and forth a few times a week. we did this for months. somehow, that first book has been lost. i swear it wasn't me who misplaced it, but she swears it was. regardless, it makes me sad that my youthful view on happiness has been misplaced.
over the years, we revised the happy book. when we went to college, we mailed a new book back and forth. after college, we lived together in atlanta, so didn't really need a concrete list because we were living out what made us happy together. when she got married and moved across town, we reinvented the book, adding some new components. surprisingly, we kept it up for many years, into my marriage and into my pregnancy with sweet little e.
recently, she emailed me asking for the book. it is buried somewhere deep in my basement. i am eager to find it once my life settles down. currently, between getting our house ready to list, my mom, pregnancy, and two little ones; i haven't had the time or energy. but soon, i will dig for it.
for the last few weeks (maybe months, if i am really honest) i have been pretty sad and down. it set in when i stopped nursing in september and then really took a dive after my mom's accident. life has been such a whirlwind all fall and into the present. anyways, last night i was laying in bed and thinking about all of it. i made a decision, that i am just going to have to pull myself out of this. i really dislike being so negative and down. i decided that i was going to have to just start focusing on the positive. i am aware that this won't "fix" my problems, but it will certainly change the way that i address them. and for the rest of the people in my little world (my husband and sweet babies) it will make me more bearable to live with.
this morning, in spite of the fact that my baby woke up an hour earlier than usual, i got out of bed with resolve that today was going to be a new beginning. we went downstairs to start the routine, and while my girlies were munching away on their breakfast i read this. hmmm- was it God ordained tagging?
"you're it tasha. remember that chat we had last night? remember your resolve? while here it is, a little push into the happier side of life."
and you should probably know that leslie, the girl that did the tagging, is in an email based prayer group with me. she is one wise momma. ordinarily, i would call this a coincidence, but given the circumstances, i'm sticking with the theory of divine intervention.
and so here goes: 6 things that make me happy
1.) my two little babes. d makes me smile (and sometimes pull my hair out) minute by minute because she is so stinking silly. she spends most of her day looking for laughter and she brings it to as many situations as she can. i am certain that this is going to be one of her gifts in life. e makes me proud. she is metamorphosing into this amazing little lady with such a strong moral compass. she has an amazing heart and a quest for knowledge. watching her thoughts and values unfold brings me great pleasure. i can't wait to see her in her teen years, because with her head, she is bound to be a light in her little world.
2.) living a life of adventure makes me happy down to my tippy toes. while risk taking could terrify a person, it has always served me well. moving to atlanta without a job or an apartment turned out to be an amazing journey. giving a stranger my phone number in bar (instead of fake digits as i had considered) proved to bring me the love of my life. choosing to follow this crazy man named jesus bought me my crown and the fresh start i so desperately needed. saying "yes" to yet another crazy move across the country and taking a risk on chicago brought me 8 amazing, growth inducing, wonderful friendship producing years. and now the adventure of san francisco- well that one is yet to be played out but based on history is sure to be worth the risk.
3.) the adult relationships that have been forming for the past five years with my two older sisters bring me great happiness. sometimes, it appears that we grew up in different households as children (and i guess in many ways we did). but watching how a sisterhood in Christ has begun to heel the wounds and how He is transforming our dynamic makes me smile from ear to ear.
4.) home. i'm not certain that words do the feeling justice, but there is something wonderful to me about being under the same roof all tucked in with my beautiful husband and sweet babies, snuggling on the couch, playing together on the floor, or just simply each doing our own thing in various parts of the same structure at peace and ease with one another. while most of my life i wanted to be anywhere but home, i find in this phase of my life, savoring the time i spend at home.
5.) jelly belly beans- i love everything about them. the bright colors, the creative flavors, the bursting of sweetness in your mouth. they are simple and yummy.
6.) the beach. when i think of squishing my toes in the sand, happy memories from my lifetime flood my mind. i think of taking a walk with my step-mom and dad in the bahamas as a little girl, a father daughter moment between daddy and his sweet ellie on her first vacation, travel to the italian riviera and swapping dreams of our future together with my hubby, building sandcastles with my little brother and sister in florida... and so many more. each one fills me with warmth.
over the years, we revised the happy book. when we went to college, we mailed a new book back and forth. after college, we lived together in atlanta, so didn't really need a concrete list because we were living out what made us happy together. when she got married and moved across town, we reinvented the book, adding some new components. surprisingly, we kept it up for many years, into my marriage and into my pregnancy with sweet little e.
recently, she emailed me asking for the book. it is buried somewhere deep in my basement. i am eager to find it once my life settles down. currently, between getting our house ready to list, my mom, pregnancy, and two little ones; i haven't had the time or energy. but soon, i will dig for it.
for the last few weeks (maybe months, if i am really honest) i have been pretty sad and down. it set in when i stopped nursing in september and then really took a dive after my mom's accident. life has been such a whirlwind all fall and into the present. anyways, last night i was laying in bed and thinking about all of it. i made a decision, that i am just going to have to pull myself out of this. i really dislike being so negative and down. i decided that i was going to have to just start focusing on the positive. i am aware that this won't "fix" my problems, but it will certainly change the way that i address them. and for the rest of the people in my little world (my husband and sweet babies) it will make me more bearable to live with.
this morning, in spite of the fact that my baby woke up an hour earlier than usual, i got out of bed with resolve that today was going to be a new beginning. we went downstairs to start the routine, and while my girlies were munching away on their breakfast i read this. hmmm- was it God ordained tagging?
"you're it tasha. remember that chat we had last night? remember your resolve? while here it is, a little push into the happier side of life."
and you should probably know that leslie, the girl that did the tagging, is in an email based prayer group with me. she is one wise momma. ordinarily, i would call this a coincidence, but given the circumstances, i'm sticking with the theory of divine intervention.
and so here goes: 6 things that make me happy
1.) my two little babes. d makes me smile (and sometimes pull my hair out) minute by minute because she is so stinking silly. she spends most of her day looking for laughter and she brings it to as many situations as she can. i am certain that this is going to be one of her gifts in life. e makes me proud. she is metamorphosing into this amazing little lady with such a strong moral compass. she has an amazing heart and a quest for knowledge. watching her thoughts and values unfold brings me great pleasure. i can't wait to see her in her teen years, because with her head, she is bound to be a light in her little world.
2.) living a life of adventure makes me happy down to my tippy toes. while risk taking could terrify a person, it has always served me well. moving to atlanta without a job or an apartment turned out to be an amazing journey. giving a stranger my phone number in bar (instead of fake digits as i had considered) proved to bring me the love of my life. choosing to follow this crazy man named jesus bought me my crown and the fresh start i so desperately needed. saying "yes" to yet another crazy move across the country and taking a risk on chicago brought me 8 amazing, growth inducing, wonderful friendship producing years. and now the adventure of san francisco- well that one is yet to be played out but based on history is sure to be worth the risk.
3.) the adult relationships that have been forming for the past five years with my two older sisters bring me great happiness. sometimes, it appears that we grew up in different households as children (and i guess in many ways we did). but watching how a sisterhood in Christ has begun to heel the wounds and how He is transforming our dynamic makes me smile from ear to ear.
4.) home. i'm not certain that words do the feeling justice, but there is something wonderful to me about being under the same roof all tucked in with my beautiful husband and sweet babies, snuggling on the couch, playing together on the floor, or just simply each doing our own thing in various parts of the same structure at peace and ease with one another. while most of my life i wanted to be anywhere but home, i find in this phase of my life, savoring the time i spend at home.
5.) jelly belly beans- i love everything about them. the bright colors, the creative flavors, the bursting of sweetness in your mouth. they are simple and yummy.
6.) the beach. when i think of squishing my toes in the sand, happy memories from my lifetime flood my mind. i think of taking a walk with my step-mom and dad in the bahamas as a little girl, a father daughter moment between daddy and his sweet ellie on her first vacation, travel to the italian riviera and swapping dreams of our future together with my hubby, building sandcastles with my little brother and sister in florida... and so many more. each one fills me with warmth.
and instead of tagging a bunch of people to do the same, i choose to tag all of you. as you read this i challenge you to think of things that make you happy. and then go into your life and celebrate those things, cherish them, because if you are anything like me, you might find yourself taking them for granted from time to time and forgetting about the happiness that they do in fact bring you. sometimes life just gets away from us and it takes a little bit of intentionality to bring us back to our feet. this exercise is part of that process for me, and i hope it does the same for you. and if you feel like it, leave a comment and share one or two of your happy's with me:)
thanks, leslie. i needed to be tagged more than you could have ever known.
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