my many mothers

as i watch my children grow up, like most mothers, i am recording their milestones. i take out the baby books frequently and fill in the important accomplishments. and while i've been doing this, i've also been spending a lot of time wondering about myself as a baby. questions like

when did i get my first teeth?

how old was i when i first slept through the night?

did i cry a lot?

was i a curious baby?

what made me laugh?



when my mother was eight months pregnant with me, she suffered from a severe brain aneurysm. upon arrival to the hospital, they knew that the only way to save her life was to get me out of her belly. they preformed an emergency c-section, but didn't know if the unborn baby (me) had suffered any trauma from the aneurysm(i didn't). after taking me out, they went on to try and save my mom's life. from what i understand, they weren't certain if she would make it. being a mother of two children already, saving her was the priority. after a series of surgeries, it was determined that she would live. the extent of her injuries was somewhat unknown and after some time, they discovered that she suffered from paralysis on her left side. because she endured brain surgery, her mental state was altered a bit. people that knew her before her stroke, knew a different woman. i long to know that version of my mother.

because of my mother's hospitalization, my dad had to make some tough decisions regarding the care of newborn tasha. my aunt pam became my surrogate mother for the first few months of my life. she cared for me from november until april of the first year in my life. and although i don't remember this time period, i have always felt a special bond with her and her family. when i was in high school, i was giving her a hug goodbye and noticed something strange. my aunt pam is a back patter. when she hugs you, she pats your back with her hands. i, too, am a back patter and nobody else in my household is. i found it sweet that while i don't remember our time together, i have a distinct part of her mothering left deep within me. silly? yes. meaningful to me? yes. it is part of my history. and since my own mother can't tell me stories of "when you were a baby", it matters to me deeply.

when i returned home to my family it was clear that they would need help in caring for me. at the time, my mother was using a wheel chair and undergoing some serious physical therapy to regain use of her left arm and leg. diaper changing and chasing after a newly mobile babe was out of the question. somehow, my aunt sharon stepped up to the plate and moved into our basement for a couple of months. again, being just a baby, i have no memory of this experience.

last weekend, my sisters and i met my aunt sharon and grandpa paul for lunch. we haven't seen each other in many years. i don't really know how the time elapsed between visits and am uncertain as to the circumstances behind the distance. all i know is that in many ways, to my adult mind, i didn't really feel like i knew them. the last time i had seen them, i had been a mere teenager. what i do know is that when the opportunity to reconnect with presented itself, i felt a stirring within that made me know we HAD to get together.

i am not sure if words can describe the experience that we had over a simple lunch. my sisters and i walked into the restaurant and met my aunt sharon, her husband larry and my grandpa paul in the lobby. i gave each person a hug and when i hugged my aunt sharon, this amazing and curious feeling swept over me. her embrace felt like home. and while we sat there and had some deep conversations over lunch, i saw the smile of a mother in her eyes whenever our eyes would meet. she held my baby girl for a little while and i saw it in the way that she looked at d too. it was the same look that a mother has when meeting their grand babies, that connection of knowing them already combined with nostalgia as they are transported back to holding their own wee ones.


and it was in those moments, that i realized she was another one of my many mothers. i felt it in that hug and i saw it in her eyes. and while i can't explain why i needed that, i can simply say that it felt good. i realized in those moments that God's divine providence in my life is very real. i'll never know why my mother suffered from such a terribly, life changing stroke, but in the pain their was a gift. God granted me many mothers and for that, i am thankful.