a little chat with Jesus, cont'd

hi all! i have never really had to do much thinking when it came to my previous postings, but today my mind is full of thought. i hesitate to write this entry for so many reasons. i committed to letting you peek into the window into my life several months ago, and since then, i have tried to let you see it all. i've attempted to share the good, the bad and the ugly; in spite of the vulnerable place that it puts me, the writer, in. you have been gracious and for that i thank you.

last week i shared a cryptic chat that i had with my Father. today, i would like to explain the details.

a week ago today i had an appointment with my mid-wife. i wanted her to check my thyroid because i was feeling a bit out of whack. at the appointment she decided that i needed a full exam. i was a little annoyed because i had waited in the waiting room for longer than i would have liked and delaney was becoming less than thrilled with her stroller. but who am i to argue with my doctor? so we went forward with the exam.

as she checked my breasts, she discovered a sizable lump. for the past week, she had me treat it as if it were a breastfeeding related infection, to rule out that possibility. today, i went back for a follow-up appointment, hoping that the lump had decreased in size. a decrease in size would indicate that it was just a "caked duct" and not worth pursuing further. unfortunately, the size was the same as last week. she ordered an ultra-sound and an appointment with a surgeon to get to the bottom of things.

i didn't want to write about any of this, but felt like God really wanted me to share my walk with you. it is most likely nothing. and yet, it feels a little daunting. regardless of one's diagnosis, it effects you. i feel very confident that God is in this journey with me. i trust him completely and know that nothing is bigger than He is. and while my tendency in dealing with medical situations is to assume the worst, today i stand confident that my Father is with me.

i contemplated fear today and questioned myself. tasha, are you afraid? the answer is a mighty no. it is a no for so many reasons. first, i have no diagnosis at this point. my appointments next week could easily reveal that there is no cause for concern. secondly, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the God that i worship is bigger than any diagnosis. He does not cause bad things to happen to us and He loves me so much that He will walk me through any challenge i face.

and so i write about it this today because i do not value secret keeping. it limits God. by choosing to keep things under wraps until i have an answer suggests that i can protect you, me and God from wherever this journey goes. i learned this valuable lesson from my friend kristie and am so thankful to her for her teaching it to me. my God wants me to walk through life and for me to let you in. and so that is where i am today. will you walk with me? you've walked with me through so much so far- my growing girls, my relationship with my Father, my struggles with my somewhat new suburban life, and even my wee little garden. will you walk with me through this, too? will you understand my need for full disclosure? will you pray? and while you're at it, will you do a self-breast exam? you'd think i would have found this myself since they are the feeding device for d, but these things are easy to miss if you aren't intentionally looking.

and please, don't worry about me. God has that part covered. you and i, well, we don't have reason for worry in our life. it's easy to let anxiety take root, but it isn't very productive. i'm not worried, as i said, i just value total honesty with the people that fill my life.

oh, and the reason my midwife wanted to do the exam was because prior to my pregnancy with d, i was showing pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. she was uneasy because we had never followed up. the tests are not very conclusive when you are pregnant. the results were back today, showing a healthy cervix. (i know, this all feels like too much information:)