the ultrasound

i had my ultrasound today. and with shouts of praise to my maker, i can report that the lump is made up of liquid. most likely milk, but possibly something else, equally as harmless.

it was a weird day, to say the least. i spent my morning praying and reading song of songs. then i picked up e from summer camp, went home to meet the sitter and headed to the appointment. scott met me there. we were both feeling a little bit nervous. it was that moment when you know your life could be about to change, but you also know that it might not... kind of like when you take a pregnancy test. anyways, they called me back and scott and i got up. as we headed through the door the nurse told scott he couldn't come. my heart sank. they had me change into a fancy purple shirt and then sat me in the second waiting room. i was sitting with three women. they were all over the age of 40 and they all looked equally as anxious. one by one, each of them were called. more women joined me in the waiting station, and one by one, each of them were called. i'm not kidding, i watched 14 different women go through that room while i just sat there. and as i sat there, i became more anxious. as i sat there i also started to think about something else. those 14 women, some of them have had cancer and were there to see if it was back. some of those women might be finding out for the first time today that their lump is malignant. and yes, some of them might be greeted with good news. it was odd. i started to pray for those women.

i'll never know the story that each of them possesses. i'll never know their journey or the outcome of their journey. but i do know that sitting in that room was not comfortable. and for many of them, that was just the tip of the iceberg.

after the 14th person came and went, a kind nurse asked me if i was the one waiting for an ultrasound. i suppose the others were having mammograms based on what i saw. they would go into a room with a technician and then she would walk out of the room and go to what looked like the printing room. she'd grab their film and place it up on the wall and study it. they'd then go back into the room with the patient.

suddenly i was called. she ran the ultrasound wand over my breast and tried to make small talk. the whole while i wanted to pray, but she kept asking me questions. after a few minutes she turned the screen to me and showed me that my lump was absolutely liquid. she can't be sure what kind, suspects milk, but was able to report with certainty that it is nothing to be worried about. praise God! i meet with the surgeon on friday to see what he wants to do. he may choose to drain it, or he may choose to just let it sit.

i went back to get dressed, met scott back in the first waiting room and headed out the door. it was odd. we both felt strange. we had been sort of gearing up for whatever was to come, so to hear i was fine felt strange. a good strange, don't get me wrong, but strange none-the-less.

when he got home from work we talked about it and both still felt the same way. we are thankful, but the joy that i would have imagined sweeping over me hasn't hit yet. i guess the best way i can describe it is going 90 miles an hour and then suddenly slowing down to 10. the emotion of it all was deeper than i thought it would be. and i can't seem to get those other women out of mind. i am rejoicing that i don't have to walk down a scary road, but i feel overwhelmed for those women that do. i've thought of each one of them, walking out into the world. some of them with changed lives, going through their day with the world around them remaining totally the same.

i'm not sure what to do with it all. i'm sure i'll have more to say later, but it is all very fresh. i can say that i will continue to pray for those 14 strangers. and while i am singing praise to my God for letting me walk out of there with wonderful news, my heart is heavy for those that didn't get the same diagnosis.