rest

i've been resting... for 11 days. for those of you that know me, you know that i don't sit still very well for very long. i can relax for brief intervals, but then i find something to busy myself with. i get jittery. i need to DO something.

scott has had the most laborious summer of his career. he has worked long days and burned the midnight oil for many of nights. at the start of the summer, he saw this coming and wisely he suggested we go away for a last hurrah before our busy fall kicked into gear. i diligently scoured the internet for a cottage in michigan.

and so we headed to new buffalo, mi for 11 days. i didn't' intend for it to be so long, but that's how the cottage owners do it around here. i was a little nervous. 11 days? the first weekend here, i left scott at home to host his college buddies for a reunion weekend. it was wonderful. i came with my beautiful friend steph and her two sweet girls. kate is almost four and has been buds with e for the last 3 years. amanda is two weeks younger than d. it is rare to find a family that provides such perfect playmates for your little one, while also providing valuable adult connections. i adore kate and amanda. they are really amazing kids that you just fall in love with. for the 3 days they were here, i fell a little bit further in love with them and i realized how lucky i am to know them and to have them as friends for my own sweet girls. and steph, well she is an amazing woman, mother, and wife. i've learned a lot from my friendship with her. she always makes me think about things in a new way and helps me see the beauty of life with a different lens.

after they left, our friends jen and payton arrived. (do you remember my friend that bursts out in prayer and invites God into any conversation?) payton and e have been best friends since they were 5 months old. they also stayed for 3 days. it was wonderful to enjoy the sand, yummy ice cream, swinging, and e's first official slumber party with them. (e and kate tried, but they just didn't quite know how to fall asleep together. the third time was the charm. e and payton finally dozed off and made it half way through the night together.)

while jen and steph were here, i was having a blast. and because there was a change in guests, i had some things to keep myself busy. i had laundry and dishes, tidying up and preparing. but when jen pulled out of the drive i suddenly found myself feeling anxious. i began to wonder about things at home. were there any important massages awaiting me on my answering machine? urgent mail to tend to? is my garden thriving? did the neighbor remember to enjoy the ripe tomatoes? i felt a little bit isolated, cut off. i mean, i didn't even know who obama had chosen as his running mate! i hadn't really even turned on the tv and i certainly hadn't read the paper.
scott was coming later that night, so i spent my afternoon busying myself. again, i began to tidy and wash, cook and do pretty much anything to busy myself. i was having trouble being still.

scott arrived. and suddenly, i found myself still. i was enjoying the crickets more. i was content with the absence of a plan or a schedule and gave in to complete relaxation. and when my mind would wander to things at home, to our fall schedule that begins this week, to blog entries, to e's upcoming 4th birthday party, i found myself pushing it out rather than welcoming it into my mind.

and so here i am, at the end of vacation, finally surrendered to rest. and i suddenly have a new perspective on the sabbath. while i didn't abstain from using energy, cooking, lights, driving etc., i did do a whole lot of nothing. and while you're doing a whole lot of nothing, God suddenly becomes ushered into your thoughts in a refreshing new way. He becomes the center and everything else becomes secondary. i am not typically one that finds God in nature (i see Him just fine on a bustling city street, thank you), but suddenly, i found myself staring at the waves and thinking about Him. as i watched frogs, crickets, fire ants, daddy long legs, and spiders i marveled at how unique each part of creation is. as i indulged in oink's ice cream, i celebrated the taste buds purposefully placed on my tongue.

and thencomes the time to depart. and hopefully this rest has restored me. hopefully i will carry these new nature eyes into my busier version of life and hopefully, i'll find more reasons to be still.

"Step out of the traffic! Take a long, loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything." (Psalm 46:10 The Message Translation)

d and amanda

Kate and ellie (with stephanie and amanda in the back)

big sisters trying to contain little sisters.

one of the 11 sunny days on lake michigan.

d and her momma

a backyard appetizer picnic with payton and jen.

payton enjoying her oink's ice cream

(the buser family ate there almost every day! OINK, OINK!)

bff!

adios... we're off to the beach

it has been a long couple of weeks. we are heading to the beach in michigan for a couple of days of much needed r & r... momma with some friends and some kiddos for a few days and then just the four of us for a few more. i'll be home soon. enjoy your last few days before the fall schedule gets into full swing.

ultrasound cont'd

as i was going through today again, in my head, i remembered something funny that i should have shared. scott and i met in the lobby and took the elevators up to the first floor together. we got off the elevators and on one side there was a wall of suites with no real markings and on the other was a door with a GIGANTIC pink ribbon and the name of the breast center. my sweet hubby, in his nervous state was CONVINCED that we needed to go towards the unmarked suites. i laughed as i recalled it... ah, men:)

i also forgot to thank each one of you dear readers. so many of you have sent me emails or texted me with your support. i swear, i have the greatest friends that a girl could hope for. i thank my sweet Jesus for each of you every day. and for those readers that i am unaware of, well, i am certainly thankful for ya'll too!

love you!

the ultrasound

i had my ultrasound today. and with shouts of praise to my maker, i can report that the lump is made up of liquid. most likely milk, but possibly something else, equally as harmless.

it was a weird day, to say the least. i spent my morning praying and reading song of songs. then i picked up e from summer camp, went home to meet the sitter and headed to the appointment. scott met me there. we were both feeling a little bit nervous. it was that moment when you know your life could be about to change, but you also know that it might not... kind of like when you take a pregnancy test. anyways, they called me back and scott and i got up. as we headed through the door the nurse told scott he couldn't come. my heart sank. they had me change into a fancy purple shirt and then sat me in the second waiting room. i was sitting with three women. they were all over the age of 40 and they all looked equally as anxious. one by one, each of them were called. more women joined me in the waiting station, and one by one, each of them were called. i'm not kidding, i watched 14 different women go through that room while i just sat there. and as i sat there, i became more anxious. as i sat there i also started to think about something else. those 14 women, some of them have had cancer and were there to see if it was back. some of those women might be finding out for the first time today that their lump is malignant. and yes, some of them might be greeted with good news. it was odd. i started to pray for those women.

i'll never know the story that each of them possesses. i'll never know their journey or the outcome of their journey. but i do know that sitting in that room was not comfortable. and for many of them, that was just the tip of the iceberg.

after the 14th person came and went, a kind nurse asked me if i was the one waiting for an ultrasound. i suppose the others were having mammograms based on what i saw. they would go into a room with a technician and then she would walk out of the room and go to what looked like the printing room. she'd grab their film and place it up on the wall and study it. they'd then go back into the room with the patient.

suddenly i was called. she ran the ultrasound wand over my breast and tried to make small talk. the whole while i wanted to pray, but she kept asking me questions. after a few minutes she turned the screen to me and showed me that my lump was absolutely liquid. she can't be sure what kind, suspects milk, but was able to report with certainty that it is nothing to be worried about. praise God! i meet with the surgeon on friday to see what he wants to do. he may choose to drain it, or he may choose to just let it sit.

i went back to get dressed, met scott back in the first waiting room and headed out the door. it was odd. we both felt strange. we had been sort of gearing up for whatever was to come, so to hear i was fine felt strange. a good strange, don't get me wrong, but strange none-the-less.

when he got home from work we talked about it and both still felt the same way. we are thankful, but the joy that i would have imagined sweeping over me hasn't hit yet. i guess the best way i can describe it is going 90 miles an hour and then suddenly slowing down to 10. the emotion of it all was deeper than i thought it would be. and i can't seem to get those other women out of mind. i am rejoicing that i don't have to walk down a scary road, but i feel overwhelmed for those women that do. i've thought of each one of them, walking out into the world. some of them with changed lives, going through their day with the world around them remaining totally the same.

i'm not sure what to do with it all. i'm sure i'll have more to say later, but it is all very fresh. i can say that i will continue to pray for those 14 strangers. and while i am singing praise to my God for letting me walk out of there with wonderful news, my heart is heavy for those that didn't get the same diagnosis.

a little chat with Jesus, cont'd

hi all! i have never really had to do much thinking when it came to my previous postings, but today my mind is full of thought. i hesitate to write this entry for so many reasons. i committed to letting you peek into the window into my life several months ago, and since then, i have tried to let you see it all. i've attempted to share the good, the bad and the ugly; in spite of the vulnerable place that it puts me, the writer, in. you have been gracious and for that i thank you.

last week i shared a cryptic chat that i had with my Father. today, i would like to explain the details.

a week ago today i had an appointment with my mid-wife. i wanted her to check my thyroid because i was feeling a bit out of whack. at the appointment she decided that i needed a full exam. i was a little annoyed because i had waited in the waiting room for longer than i would have liked and delaney was becoming less than thrilled with her stroller. but who am i to argue with my doctor? so we went forward with the exam.

as she checked my breasts, she discovered a sizable lump. for the past week, she had me treat it as if it were a breastfeeding related infection, to rule out that possibility. today, i went back for a follow-up appointment, hoping that the lump had decreased in size. a decrease in size would indicate that it was just a "caked duct" and not worth pursuing further. unfortunately, the size was the same as last week. she ordered an ultra-sound and an appointment with a surgeon to get to the bottom of things.

i didn't want to write about any of this, but felt like God really wanted me to share my walk with you. it is most likely nothing. and yet, it feels a little daunting. regardless of one's diagnosis, it effects you. i feel very confident that God is in this journey with me. i trust him completely and know that nothing is bigger than He is. and while my tendency in dealing with medical situations is to assume the worst, today i stand confident that my Father is with me.

i contemplated fear today and questioned myself. tasha, are you afraid? the answer is a mighty no. it is a no for so many reasons. first, i have no diagnosis at this point. my appointments next week could easily reveal that there is no cause for concern. secondly, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the God that i worship is bigger than any diagnosis. He does not cause bad things to happen to us and He loves me so much that He will walk me through any challenge i face.

and so i write about it this today because i do not value secret keeping. it limits God. by choosing to keep things under wraps until i have an answer suggests that i can protect you, me and God from wherever this journey goes. i learned this valuable lesson from my friend kristie and am so thankful to her for her teaching it to me. my God wants me to walk through life and for me to let you in. and so that is where i am today. will you walk with me? you've walked with me through so much so far- my growing girls, my relationship with my Father, my struggles with my somewhat new suburban life, and even my wee little garden. will you walk with me through this, too? will you understand my need for full disclosure? will you pray? and while you're at it, will you do a self-breast exam? you'd think i would have found this myself since they are the feeding device for d, but these things are easy to miss if you aren't intentionally looking.

and please, don't worry about me. God has that part covered. you and i, well, we don't have reason for worry in our life. it's easy to let anxiety take root, but it isn't very productive. i'm not worried, as i said, i just value total honesty with the people that fill my life.

oh, and the reason my midwife wanted to do the exam was because prior to my pregnancy with d, i was showing pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. she was uneasy because we had never followed up. the tests are not very conclusive when you are pregnant. the results were back today, showing a healthy cervix. (i know, this all feels like too much information:)

one hit wonder, part II

and tonight, we had this:
grilled pesto pizza with tomatoes and fresh mozzarella. deee-lish!
and d had this... apparently her eye hand coordination and pincher skills are not quite as honed her momma thought they were.

and while i was making that tasty dinner above, e did this:

one hit wonder

at the risk of ruining my readership and turning my blog into the "diary of an 8 x 12 gardener", i am going to talk about my garden again:) i know, i know, i'm bobby mcferrin (one hit wonder from the 89's) these days. but i had a bad day today. my girls, both of them, were not on their best behavior. they weren't even on their kinda ok behavior. daddy has had to work really late for the past two nights and the girls and i, well, let's just say we were ready to call it a day. after tucking their pretty little heads into their pretty little beds, i had this to look forward to.

my first b.l.t. of the season with the most scrumptious tomatoes from my garden, toasted challah bread, locally grown organic lettuce and local hormone/antibiotic free bacon. heavenly!
oh, and this is what i harvested yesterday. not bad for a days work!

pga update

to sumarize our weekend: much ado about nothing:) i made it through the gates without incident. we met some friends at the golf tournament and had a lovely day, in spite of the rain in the afternoon. we walked a few holes, sat in the stands at hole 12, watched some of our favorites on hole 1 and got a little bit wet.

the volunteers at the first aid station were quite comical. apparently there weren't any "real" medical emergencies on saturday, so this pumping momma had quite the pumping station. when i arrived to pump, a few of the male volunteers were a wee bit shocked and slightly uncomfortable at this mommas need for "first aid". overall, mission accomplished.

one of the friends we went to the tournament with is known to have a wild side. he and some other unnamed michigan graduates have an innocent history with dropping their pants at holiday parties, weddings etc. they have never given the full monty (thankfully), but have been known to show off their boxers on occasion. the joke of the day was that he would drop his pants and streak across a green wearing only his boxers and (drum roll please) my breast pump. thankfully, the rains came before that happened:)

memory map

my hubby is a huge fan of maps. he sold his car last week, and as he was about to hand over the keys, he found one of his coveted maps in the glove compartment. it was a map of chicago. he laid it out on the floor and started showing things to e. e, who loves anything that daddy loves, was engrossed completely. i walked in and found them all together, huddled over the map, taking it all in.



suddenly, e shouted, "look momma, it's buckingham fountain!" up until a few months ago, when i discovered a shortcut on lower wacker, we would pass buckingham fountain on our way into the city. i would point it out to her each time and ask her what it was. sometimes she'd remember, sometimes she'd forget. but today, as she saw it on the cover of the map, she recognized it, she knew its name and she was thrilled with her smarty pants self:) and so was her momma.

they continued looking at the map for a few minutes. i started to walk out of the room and as i left, i heard scott point something out to e.

s: look ellie, here's a note i wrote to your mom.

this piqued my curiosity, so i went back into the family room. and there in the middle of lake michigan was a note. it made my heart smile. right away, i remembered receiving the note on the map. it was during the summer between his second and third year of law school. scott lived in chicago while i was still in atlanta. i came to visit him quite frequently and on the days he had to work, i would tour the city. it was kind of like my courtship with chicago. if you know chicago, you know that it is the summer here that makes it worth it. there is something magical in the air during the months of june, july and august. the rest of the year, well, not so much. but those three beautiful months carry you through year after year.

and during that summer, i came to know that chicago would eventually be my home. and i came to know that the man God had for me, scott, was worth september through may.

and so he left me a love note on a map, with directions to my tourist destinations for the day. he signed it scooter, the name i've called him since we fell in love. to think, this little piece of history almost drove off in our old glove box! i'm so glad that he rescued it and i'm so glad for the memories of love and adoration that flooded into my heart. God picked a good man for me. scooter, i love you!

a little chat with Jesus

so i had a little situation today. and while i'm not ready to share the details yet, i want to share a little conversation that i had with my Father.

i went to my car and i sat there for a few quiet moments, before heading to pick up e from summer camp.

m: (whispering) Father, i'm a little scared.

G: i know. do you trust me?

m: yes, i trust you.

G: do you know i love you?

m: yes, Father, i know you love me.

G: will you walk with me? will you let me carry you? through anything?

m: i will, Father.

and so that is where i am today. there are a lot more details to this conversation, but i felt that God wanted me to share it... today... before i know where this journey will take me.

lactavist, cont'd

so i was just reflecting on my day and thinking through the whole pga debacle, hopefully solved and something very important came into my mind.

do you have friends that break into prayer mid conversation with you? i do:) i am blessed with an amazing friend, jen, who is a crazy prayer warrior. she's amazing. her life is one constant conversation with God about pretty much everything. and that's just the way my Abba wants it. she's a good example for me and often (probably without even knowing it) reminds me of what my relationship with The Father should look like. (i'm a work in progress.)

anyways, midway through today, she called me to catch up. i gave her the low down on my crazy battle with the pga. now mind you, this was before the channel 4 news call, before i knew what step was to be taken next. do you know what she did? she just broke out in prayer. that's right! she lifted it up to God. now i'd been prayin' alright, but it was more about keeping control, showing love, and not letting 'em have it. her prayer- well it was about getting a "yes". she even thanked our God for caring about little things like a nice day at the pga with my hubby.

as i was reflecting on my (???) accomplishment, i realized that it wasn't mine at all. it is totally His! He made the "no" turn into a "yes". He cares about ME that much! wow! He cares about me THAT MUCH!

do you know that? do you feel that God cares about the details in your life in such a special way- even when it doesn't really seem to matter in the grand scheme of The Kingdom? well, He does. He loves you and He is totally in the details. thanks Jen, for praying for me and for reminding me that my Father wants me to talk to Him always, about everything. and when we do, well, do you know who gets the glory? not this little lactavist, but Him!

1 Peter 5:7 cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

lactavist in the making

so today's entry is a little bit different than my usual postings, but relevant to this suburban momma. on saturday i am scheduled to attend the PGA championship in michigan. i bought these tickets for my hubby for valentine's day. we arranged childcare with scott's mom and have been looking forward to it for months.

last week, we started thinking through the logistics. at this time, it dawned on me that over the course of the day, i will need to pump several times. no problem, thought i, i'll just bring my handy pump with a battery pack. another option, i'll plug my handy pump into my car lighter. a few quick trips to the car throughout the day and i'd be good to go. my hubby, being the detail oriented man that he can be, decided to look at the PGA policy page to make sure one of these options would work. well, neither does. there is a no re admittance policy and a no electronic device policy. we were left scratching our heads. could it be possible that i just can't go????

scott took matters into his own hands and emailed the contact people for the tournament. he was kind, he was concise spelling out the issue and he even proposed some really easy solutions. after a few days passed, we heard back. the official standpoint from the PGA was "sorry charlie". you can come, you can't leave and return after pumping in your car, and oh, by the way, please don't bring your pump because it isn't allowed. again, hmmm???

i have never been an activist for anything. i have never participated in a sit-in or a march, i've never written a letter on behalf of a policy i disagreed with, but this just didn't sit right in my little mind. it stirred something in me. i called detroit chanel 4 news. they were very interested. they wanted to do an interview right away. before agreeing to this, i decided to give the PGA one last chance to make it right.

a quick call to headquarters, an explanation of my situation, an explanation of possible solutions and a quick (but very kind) mention of chanel 4 news, and voila. the head of the tournament called me back immediately and said that there would be no problem. she apologized for her earlier "NO" and said that they would be happy to accommodate my need. she reassured me that the gate attendant would admit me and that i can leave my pump at the first-aid station. when necessary, i can report to my pump, pump away and then go on about my day at my leisure.

will that prove to be the case, i don't know. it's too soon to tell. but i am hopeful. i never raised my voice, i was calm and polite throughout, and i prayed a lot (because i really did want to yell and pound my fists).

it all made me think. are we so rigid and focused on our task at hand to see past humanity? is it possible that we don't see the needs of those around us because we are so busy with everything else? people are unique. so are their situations. are we willing to "bend the rules" to be kind, fair and inclusive?

chanel 4 is holding out hope that the PGA denies me access. they were a little bummed when they found out i didn't need their camera crew after all. i've been told that i should call them immediately if i am denied admittance on the day of. but as for me, i'm glad to see that the PGA decided to make it right. i hope they stick to their end of the bargain. but if not, this lactavist is not going to take it lying down:) i'll keep you posted.