got milk!

when i was pregnant with e, i longed to be a breastfeeding momma. but like most things in my my inital attempts at mommy hood, i fell short. we just never got into a good rhythm and after two bouts with mastitis i threw in the towel. i could write for days about my regret at not succeeding with e and the breastfeeding situation, but today's post is not about failure.

somewhere in the middle of my pregnancy with d i realized that i wanted to try breastfeeding again. it was at that time that i realized that of my own strength, i would never succeed. i enlisted the help of lots of praying mommas. i asked everyone that i knew who was into knee-mail to pray for d and i to succeed at breastfeeding. God answered my prayers and the prayers of those around me that would commit to this. i set a goal of six months. i would not quit feeding d at the breast until i had given it six months. there were many times that i wanted to throw in the towel, many nights that weakness crept in and i pleaded with God to let my babe take a bottle so that i could get a break- just for one feeding. but God knew my heart and he knew my desire to succeed at this task. He knew it so well that he neglected my pleading in moments of weakness and answered the prayer path i had set out on. i'd like to report that today marks six months, no bottles, one bout with mastitis and a very "juicy" babe to show as evidence that God answered those prayers.

i'd also like to report that i don't think God really cares how we feed his wee ones, but that he cares immensely for the people that call him "Father". He knew that i carried the feeling of failure from e and didn't want me to repeat that feeling with d. i'd also like to thank those of you that can share this triumph with me, for it was not of my own doing that i achieved this success. so for those that prayed on my behalf, you rock right along with God! i am surrounded by such a cool community of women, and for that i am grateful forever!

the long and short of it

naming babies is a very personal matter. it is difficult. there are lots of things to consider. there is compromise between parents. there is negotiation. there is weigh-in from people other than the parents. there is the interjection of opinions from strangers. it is a heavy responsibility.

and then there is the nickname. in our case, the nicknames were given little thought and just seemed to slide off of our tongues as we got to know our babes. i have been calling elisabeth "peanut" since the day she came on the scene. i know, it's not too original, but it is what she was to me. she was my little peanut. scott became attracted to the nickname, "pooper". i think it was his way of coming to terms with the ugly side of his new role in life. nobody likes to change diapers, but if you make light of it, it makes it a bit more bearable.

delaney's nickname is rather unusual and can't really be explained. i'm not sure how it happened, but she has become "d-bugs, the baby of the world". cute, not really. but it has stuck and e and i call her that a lot.

and so as i get strange looks, when i call for "d-bugs the baby of the world", it has made me curious. what nicknames do you have for those that you love?

btw- the first picture is of "pooper" at navy pier when she was almost 2. isn't she a "peanut" if you ever saw one? the second was taken on father's day of "d-bugs the baby of the world". she was practicing her new trick with her tongue.

green

i take great pride in my lawn. last year my grandmother generously gave each of her grandchildren a monetary gift. scott and i used our gift to have our yard taken care of. when we bought our house, the yard was in a serious state of disrepair. we didn't have much grass to speak of and pretty much despised our yard. as a stay at home mom, i decided to take on this home renovation project myself. i interviewed the landscapers, devised the plan and managed the project. it was completed at the end of august, so we didn't get to enjoy the finished results for long before it was covered by a blanket of leaves and then a blanket of snow. recently, i sat on our back porch and marveled at the bed of green. e & d seem to like it as well.

i also got a chance to marvel at my beautiful babes.

Job 5:25

You will know that your children will be many, and your descendants like the grass of the earth.

evidence

the first piece of evidence that i would like to present is the photo above. (i scanned it from e's scrapbook page.) i'd like you to meet libby rabbit. libby was my first baby. i bought her when i was teaching at kipp. during independent reading, and for most of the day, libby would have free reign of my classroom. mostly, she liked to eat books. the kids would find a cozy spot to relax and read. and while they read, libby would hop around the room visiting the kids. i loved libby rabbit. she ate my overhead projector power cord, nibbled on my prada handbag, took chunks out of my favorite books, and escaped down the hall a few times too many. but i loved her. the purpose of this evidence is to emphasize the fact that i love rabbits.

i even loved this bunny rabbit. he has lived under my neighbor's porch for the past year. anytime i have extra carrots, e and i leave them for him in our yard. the second piece of evidence that i would like to present suggests that he has been eating more than my extra carrots.

these are my recently ingested heads of lettuce. i would like to report that they were delicious- crisp, not bitter, enhanced by a little balsamic vinaigrette. but since i didn't ingest them, i can't make that report. you'll have to ask the rabbit. he ate all the heads of lettuce in my small plot of land... and the tops of all my beans, and my herbs and the tops of all my peas. i spent today digging out all of my freshly eaten plants, sowing new seeds, and attaching a fence. call me naive, but i really thought that my bunny friends would know that i had a history with rabbits and that they would be kind to me. and now, the poor hungry bunnies can watch my new garden grow from the other side of the fence.

farmer's market

e, d and i walked to the farmer's market today. and while it made me long for our former csa membership and weekly trips to green city market in lincoln park, it was still a refreshing supply of locally grown goodness.

ikea

e, d and i made the pilgrimage to ikea today. i've been needing some storage solutions and an additional shelf for our "billy bookcase".

ikea leaves me with mixed feelings, but i came to some conclusions about the interesting mega-store today. out of all the stores that i have been to lately, they are the most eco-friendly out there. here are some ways in which they are doing things right:

they have little to no packaging on most of their merchandise, causing a huge reduction in waste.

their restaurant is all washable items, rather that consumables.

they label their trash bins (located throughout the store) "landfill waste" and "recyclables"- crazy how just the word landfill made me stop and take note of how consumable we are and that i should think twice before putting something into that bin.

they charge $.50 per plastic bag, causing the penny pincher in each of us to resist the use of those plastic bags that are ruining our planet.

if you live near an ikea, i'd like to encourage you to shop there. i think that the more we can support eco-responsible stores, like this one, the more other stores will catch on to the trend. i'd also encourage you to translate this into your daily life. i'm thinking about putting the label, "landfill waste", on my own trash cans at home. it would be a good reminder for me on a daily basis of where all that stuff is going.

my many mothers

as i watch my children grow up, like most mothers, i am recording their milestones. i take out the baby books frequently and fill in the important accomplishments. and while i've been doing this, i've also been spending a lot of time wondering about myself as a baby. questions like

when did i get my first teeth?

how old was i when i first slept through the night?

did i cry a lot?

was i a curious baby?

what made me laugh?



when my mother was eight months pregnant with me, she suffered from a severe brain aneurysm. upon arrival to the hospital, they knew that the only way to save her life was to get me out of her belly. they preformed an emergency c-section, but didn't know if the unborn baby (me) had suffered any trauma from the aneurysm(i didn't). after taking me out, they went on to try and save my mom's life. from what i understand, they weren't certain if she would make it. being a mother of two children already, saving her was the priority. after a series of surgeries, it was determined that she would live. the extent of her injuries was somewhat unknown and after some time, they discovered that she suffered from paralysis on her left side. because she endured brain surgery, her mental state was altered a bit. people that knew her before her stroke, knew a different woman. i long to know that version of my mother.

because of my mother's hospitalization, my dad had to make some tough decisions regarding the care of newborn tasha. my aunt pam became my surrogate mother for the first few months of my life. she cared for me from november until april of the first year in my life. and although i don't remember this time period, i have always felt a special bond with her and her family. when i was in high school, i was giving her a hug goodbye and noticed something strange. my aunt pam is a back patter. when she hugs you, she pats your back with her hands. i, too, am a back patter and nobody else in my household is. i found it sweet that while i don't remember our time together, i have a distinct part of her mothering left deep within me. silly? yes. meaningful to me? yes. it is part of my history. and since my own mother can't tell me stories of "when you were a baby", it matters to me deeply.

when i returned home to my family it was clear that they would need help in caring for me. at the time, my mother was using a wheel chair and undergoing some serious physical therapy to regain use of her left arm and leg. diaper changing and chasing after a newly mobile babe was out of the question. somehow, my aunt sharon stepped up to the plate and moved into our basement for a couple of months. again, being just a baby, i have no memory of this experience.

last weekend, my sisters and i met my aunt sharon and grandpa paul for lunch. we haven't seen each other in many years. i don't really know how the time elapsed between visits and am uncertain as to the circumstances behind the distance. all i know is that in many ways, to my adult mind, i didn't really feel like i knew them. the last time i had seen them, i had been a mere teenager. what i do know is that when the opportunity to reconnect with presented itself, i felt a stirring within that made me know we HAD to get together.

i am not sure if words can describe the experience that we had over a simple lunch. my sisters and i walked into the restaurant and met my aunt sharon, her husband larry and my grandpa paul in the lobby. i gave each person a hug and when i hugged my aunt sharon, this amazing and curious feeling swept over me. her embrace felt like home. and while we sat there and had some deep conversations over lunch, i saw the smile of a mother in her eyes whenever our eyes would meet. she held my baby girl for a little while and i saw it in the way that she looked at d too. it was the same look that a mother has when meeting their grand babies, that connection of knowing them already combined with nostalgia as they are transported back to holding their own wee ones.


and it was in those moments, that i realized she was another one of my many mothers. i felt it in that hug and i saw it in her eyes. and while i can't explain why i needed that, i can simply say that it felt good. i realized in those moments that God's divine providence in my life is very real. i'll never know why my mother suffered from such a terribly, life changing stroke, but in the pain their was a gift. God granted me many mothers and for that, i am thankful.

rock stars!

in my former life, i was part of opening a new school. i had the pleasure of embarking on that journey with some of the most talented women that i have ever met. one of the girls, in particular stuck out to me. in my naivety, i always worried that working in such challenging conditions would cause her early burn out. it terrified me, because she had something in her that i knew our inner city babies needed. at that time, i could never have imagined the greatness that she would achieve, especially in just a few short years.

she decided that she was going to take a stance and commit herself to changing the face of urban education. lakita is now the founding principal of fraisure prep. i had the honor of visiting her school for the first time yesterday and was struck by the work her staff has accomplished in these kids. two of these women were also part of the school opening that i had been a part of. it was so awesome to see the fruits of their labor.

the performance was a way to showcase their learning for the semester. from pre-k babies to 5th grade hipsters, these kids have clearly absorbed some rich information. they demonstrated a knowledge of various components of american history- the erie canal, buffalo soldiers, the pony express, the industrial revolution etc. my favorite part of the show came when a kindergarten class when down the line and shared their hope for the future. each one of these babies said what they wanted to be when they grew up and why- and i should mention that the auditorium was packed. i couldn't believe the courage they showed by speaking into that big scary microphone. and i was in awe at the hope these little ones spoke of.

i want to be a teacher to teach kids to read.

i want to be a preacher to tell people about the love of Jesus.

i want to be a soldier to keep people free.

i want to be a pediatrician to help kids feel better.

(i know, those babies went deep, didn't they! i'm not making this stuff up.)

i know with leaders/teachers like lakita, melanie and camia in their lives these babies can accomplish anything. these dreams can be a reality.

outstretched hands

i have this picture sitting on a table in my family room. i look at it often and think of what a great father scott is. he is gentle, kind, patient. he is so many things that i am not. and when e is with him, she feels safe. she knows that he adores her and that he will protect her at all costs.

on friday evening at the conference this weekend, one of the speakers spoke about walking with God. she suggested that each day, when you wake up, that you make a choice to reach out your hand to Jesus and to ask Him where He wanted you to walk with Him today.

it made me think of the picture of e taking her daddy's hand.

and in the extension of your arm to heaven, God will meet you. He will lead you through your day and offer you the safety of never having to go it alone. you don't need your tom-tom, He'll be the great navigator.

and so on saturday morning, as we were headed back to the conference, we took the picture you see below. each of us making a choice to extend our hand out to The Father and let Him reach down and carry us for the day.

the metaphor of my garden

this post is long, but i promise it has a lot of significant points.

so a few too many posts back, i told you that my garden was ready for planting. after putting that into print I became a little overwhelmed with the garden itself. you see, i liked the tidy little bed, freshly laid soil, newly mulched border etc. i wasn't so sure how i felt about the actual growing process itself. i mean, putting plants into that bed felt like taking a huge risk.

i've been keeping a secret. i planted the seeds a few weeks ago. i made a conscious decision to withhold that from you because i wanted to be certain that my seeds took. i was going to wait a while and see what happened and then take a tidy little picture when my garden looked the way it should, with nicely organized rows of new plants that had taken root. if the seeds didn't take, i was going to try again, wait and take the picture when it looked the way it should. i'm not kidding!

pretty quickly, i started to see growth. i went out there every day to water and tend to the plants. they were doing well. i felt confident and successful... and proud.

a few days after i began to see growth, we had a little situation. you see, my neighbor backed his car right into the frame of my garden. i had been sitting on the back deck in the dark and heard a thump and then heard him get out of the car and walk into his house. at the time, i had no idea that the thump was my garden bed frame cracking. i had no idea that several of my plants had been sacrificed in the process. the next day the discovery of this made me a little bit devastated- i had put my hope into that garden bed. scott had poured hours into laying the foundation and framing it. my nurturing had been disrupted and the result was a whole strip of ruined plants. and the worst part was that he hadn't even come to tell me about it! he was my neighbor! i was going to have to share a property line with someone that was considering hiding from the truth.

i called scott and shared my disappointment with him. we concluded that the neighborly thing to do was to wait and give them time. they might come to us with this, and if they did, we wanted to be willing to forgive them. but my heart went to the "what if they don't" right away.

i went away to a woman's retreat this past weekend with my sisters, step-mom, aunt, and grandmother. while i was gone, chicago was rained on quite a bit. i came home to an interesting sight in my garden. the plants had skyrocketed... and so had the weeds. the neighbor also decided to confess, sort of. you see next door to me is a man who lives with his mom. next door to them is the man's sister. i saw and heard the incident take place, so i knew it was the man who did it. somehow, the sister ended up taking the blame for it. she came to our door and confessed that she had done it and that she would repair it.

today i went out to my garden to tend to the weeds, the broken board, and also to the growing healthy plants. and while out there God spoke right into my heart.

you see, the hiding of planting the seeds is so like me in my relationship with God. i tend to hide things from people all of the time. God might speak and start planting a seed in my heart, but i don't tell people about it until i see the growth- i don't want you to know that the seed might not take root. i don't want to share my failures with the world because then you would know my imperfections. i hide behind the image of being put together, successful, talented...

and then i thought about the seeds themselves. when God plants a truth in our hearts, it is going to grow. He is God! He is the best gardener there is. my hiding the planting of the seeds demonstrated a lack of faith. i didn't have faith in my gardening skills, so i wanted to hide it. with Christ, i often lack faith that He can do what He has said He would do. and so i hide it. and in hiding it, i take away some of the hope that others might have in being a part of the planting. when God plants things, He is faithful. if i'd let people see the planting, they would also be able to see the goodness of my Father.

the pride that i felt when the seeds took root was meaningful, too. when pride creeps into our walk with The Father, it becomes more about me and less about Him. He is the gardener of my soul and He is the one who deserves the credit. i am just a vessel- the garden bed, if you will.

and then we get to my neighbor. probably the biggest teaching tool for the entire experience. i crash all the time. i try to steer my heart where it is supposed to go. i try to keep my eyes on the road and yet i crash everyday...

in the way that i parent

in the way that i treat scott

in my friendships

in my stewardship

and most importantly, in my walk with Christ.

those crashes leave an impact. they hurt and disrupt the order. and yet, God, the greatest gardener of all can fix them. He can nail back the board to perfect the vessel, He can add some more soil through His Word, and He can replant the seed.

the fact that my neighbor's sister took the blame. well, that's just like Jesus. He took the blame for me. He knew that I alone could not handle all of my sin and so He took the responsibility for me on the cross. just like this neighbor, if often try to hide my sin and shortcomings from my Father. but He knows. and He is waiting patiently for me to come knock on His door and confess. and He'll offer to help me fix it.

and while i was weeding today, a few people walked by and made comments on my gardening. isn't that just like the life God wants for us? He doesn't leave us out there all alone. He designed us to live in community and to walk through the process together. one of the people that walked by celebrated the growth- an encourager. another person pointed out a few weeds that i had missed- a teacher. and the last person commented on the crashed corner. it was the sister who had taken the blame- the great Physician who can restore any mess that we make.

d's big swim

scott was giving delaney a bath tonight. he called me in because he wanted me to see the olympic gold medal potential we have. check this girl out. is that the butterfly that she is working on???

it's raining, it's pouring

i've been feeling frustrated recently. it's complicated and many things have been getting me down. i feel like i am constantly being pulled in thousands of different directions and well, with the laws of physics, that sometimes leaves you standing in the same place at the end of the day. i don't want to be standing in this place. i want to be free of this frustration and feel productive again.

rewind to last week. i was talking to my sister about something way more important than what i am going to share with you, but our conversation reminded me of this activity that i used to do with my kids at the end of each school year. it went something like this: on the last day of school i would have all of my kids make a list of all their frustrations. all of their "i cant's" in life that hold them back and get in the way of their emotional well being and physical progress. after a few minutes of list making all the kids would put their piece of paper into a shoe box. we'd then march out to a corner of the school yard and bury the box that contained their "i can't" list. i'd end the activity with a eulogy of sorts. i'd tell the class that their "i cant's" were dead. that the frustrations in life don't have to act as stop signs. we don't have to let them impede our progress. we can leave them behind and move forward with all of our "i can's". it was one of those left brain activities that stick with you for years to come (please know that i stole this idea from a wiser woman than myself and take no claims at inventing the activity). i did the activity for the benefit of my students. i wanted to end the year with them feeling built up and free. but i did it for myself, too. i'd make a list right along with the kids and bury that list deep under the dirt right there with them. i, too, experience "i cant's" and i needed to figuratively remove the bind they had on my progress.

stick with me. i know this is long, but i swear i have a point.

after telling my sister about this, i longed for this experience again. my brain had begun to swirl with "i cant's" and i desperately needed to "bury" them.

i can't function on this limited amount of sleep.
i can't find contentment in my new surroundings
i can't balance all of my responsibilities.
i can't!
i can't!
i can't!

the list was swirling in my head and i was getting heavier and heavier with the weight of it all. remember, i was already in this funk and already feeling frustrated.

fast forward to today. i'm going out of town on thursday and i have TONS to get done before i go. my friend holly is back in town visiting and all i really want to do is hang out with her. e was at school and i was running around like a crazy women trying to get it all done. eleven thirty crept up and it was time to pick up e. i had one more thing on my list and it was all the way across town. and then it began to rain. and then the rain gave way to pouring. and then the pouring turned into a faucet from the sky. it slowed me down because i couldn't see the road ahead. we got to the last stop, and the rain had not let up at all. to say that i was annoyed is an understatement. i was angry. and in my anger my heart yelled out to God, "enough, God. i've had enough."

e, d and i jumped out of the car to run into the store. we were soaked. water was dripping from every part of our bodies. d had a puddle in her car seat carrier. e's pony tail was dripping. we were a sight to see. and as we stood their in line waiting to pay for our purchase, e started to giggle because we were such a mess. and whenever e giggles, d usually follows. so there we stood, both of my girls giggling, and a wave of joy washed over me. we made our purchase and headed back into the rain.

and i swear as i walked through the doors into the rain, i felt the lord whisper "you can" in my ear. and with that whisper, i felt the "i cant's" wash away with the rain as it soaked me again.

the Lord is good. the song nothing but the blood popped into my head and i drove home worshiping a faithful God. and i suddenly realized that my tangled list of frustrations is never bigger than Him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvg5_V3cUlc&feature=related